Friday jokes

[5150]

Where do ya get one of them gumbikes?

Are you due for new set of tires again?

[5150]

Just home from the World Blindfold Wanking Championship. No idea where I came.

[roogazza]

[YellowDog]

Just like a virgin

[roogazza]

[YellowDog]

In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer
was sent to a South African bush outpost to relieve the retiring
colonel. After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual
courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches, etc.) which protocol
decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant,
Captain Smithers, he's my right-hand man and is really the strength
of this office. His talent is simply boundless".

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was
surprised to meet a hunchbacked, one eyed, toothless, hairless,
scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly
unattractive man less than three feet tall."

Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

''Well, sir, I played cricket for England, graduated with honours from
Sandhurst, won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions
behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian
events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight boxing division
of the Olympics. I have researched the history of . . . "

At that point, the colonel interrupted.

"Yes, yes, never mind all that Smithers, he can find all that in your file.
Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to fuck off."

[YellowDog]

A circus owner runs an advertisement for 'Lion Tamer Wanted' and two people showed up......

One is a retired golfer in his late-sixties and the other is a drop-dead, gorgeous brunette with a killer body in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, I'm not going to sugar coat it - this is one ferocious lion . . . . he ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history."

Here's your equipment - a chair, a whip and a gun ..... who wants to try out first?"

The gorgeous brunette says, "I'll go first."

She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the cage.

The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her.

As he gets close, the gorgeous brunette throws open her coat revealing her beautiful, perfect naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles.

He continues to lick every inch of her body for several minutes, then lays down and rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor, and says "That's quite amazing - I've never seen anything like that in my life!"

He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"

The old golfer replies, "Possibly ... but you've got to get that lion out of there first."

[Daffyd]

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, Sally found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let her wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down she asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

[Daffyd]

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

[Daffyd]

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast?'

[Swoop]

Wasn't too sure about where to post this, but thought of "crossing the road" so it must fall into the jokes section.

[husaberg]

[Swoop]

I answered the door earlier to find a police officer standing there. He informed me that my dog had chased somebody on a bike.

"Get lost," I told him. "My dog doesn't even own a bike."

[husaberg]

[YellowDog]

'Say, what's your name?' the bartender asked the first duck.

'Huey,' was the reply.

'How's your day been, Huey?'
‘

Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?' said Huey.

'Oh. That's nice,' said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, 'Hi, and what's your name?'

'Dewey,' came the answer from duck number two.

'So how's your day been, Dewey! ?' he asked.

'Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?'

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, 'So, you must be Louie?'

'No,' she said, batting her eyelashes. 'My name is Puddles.'