Enigma
You'd never go hungry with Nigella Gaz.
If it weren't for flashbacks...I'd have no memory at all..
Anarchic Wild Child
Paddy and Mick are having a drink at the bar.
Paddy says: "I'm getting circumcised tomorrow."
Mich replies: "I had that done way back when I was only a baby."
Paddy asks : "How was it?"
Mick replies; "Couldn't walk for a year ..."
"So if you meet me, have some sympathy, have some courtesy, have some taste ..."
Anarchic Wild Child
I went to the supermarket today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes.
When I came out there was a cop writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Dick headed cop. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!
So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch cause he's so ugly.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!
This went on until he had placed 5 tickets on the winshield... the more I insulted him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.
"So if you meet me, have some sympathy, have some courtesy, have some taste ..."
Slightly Hardcore Biker
So I asked a mate for some advice on fixing a ding on my bike... the smart bastard sent me this video...
https://youtu.be/UB0eRYHtpYo
Slightly Hardcore Biker
.................
Enigma
You'd never go hungry with Nigella Gaz.
If it weren't for flashbacks...I'd have no memory at all..
Slightly Hardcore Biker
High miles, engine knock, rusty chrome, worn pegs...
Brakes as new
Anorak
Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken
Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
Breaking news: A lorry carrying 25 tons of Vicks Vapour Rub has overturned on SH1, near Auckland, spilling it's load onto the motorway.
The Police have said there will be no congestion for at least 12hrs.
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
BogOff-Cant you see I'm busy?
A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen
a ghost?"
About 40 students raised their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raise their hand.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
Three students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back,
Hamad
raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So,
Hamad
tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"
Hamad
replied, "Shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats."
Enigma
You'd never go hungry with Nigella Gaz.
If it weren't for flashbacks...I'd have no memory at all..
Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
Judge to biker; 'At your last appearance before me I told you I didn't want to see you in my court ever again!'
Biker to Judge; 'Yes yer 'onour - That's what I told the police officer'.
I was talking to a chap last night who is into self improvement and motivation. He told me there are no problems, only opportunities.
That's great news 'cos it means I have a serious drinking opportunity!
In a wee West Highland town there was no regular policeman but the local vet was a Special Constable.
His wife answered the phone one night and the caller asked for Hamish.
Do you need the vet or a policeman she asked.
"Both" came the reply. "I can't get my dog's mouth open and there's a burglar in it".
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
Anorak
Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken
BogOff-Cant you see I'm busy?
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”
Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”
BogOff-Cant you see I'm busy?
Can have serious repercussions
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