Friday jokes

[Swoop]

There's a new Barbie on the market. It comes with no shoes, no clothes, no make-up, no car, no food, no house, no farm and with Aids.

It's called Zimbarbie.

[crazyhorse]

While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there. A week after arriving back home in the States, he
wakes one morning to find his penis covered with
bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this
before, orders some tests and tells the man to
return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the
doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you, you've
contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and
almost unheard of here, we know very little
about it.'
The man looks a little perplexed and says, 'Well,
give me a shot or something and fix me up,
Doc.' The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.'
The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'
The doctor replies, 'Well, it's your choice. Go
ahead, if you want but surgery is your only
choice.'
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor,
figuring that he'll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and
proclaims, 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware
disease.'
The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already
know that but what can we do? My American doctor
wants to operate and amputate my penis!'
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs.
'Stupid American docttah, always want to
opawate. Make more money dat way. No need to
amputate!'
Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.
'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'wait two
weeks. Faw off by itself!'

[Banditbandit]

Man said to wife; "Alright you sexy thing ... bedroom now."

She looked at him and said, "Ooh, you kinky bastard."

He said, "No, seriously, the rugby's about to start ... fuck off!”

[DMNTD:Me]

A Muslim Has Been Shot In The Head, With A Starting Pistol,
Police Say Its Definitely Race Related..

[Swoop]

If vegetarians love animals so much, why do they eat all their food?

[crazyhorse]

They were determined to make this a real vacation
by not wearing anything that would identify them
as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed
for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts,
shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.



The next morning they went to the beach
dressed in their 'tourist' garb.
They were sitting on beach chairs,



enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a
'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini
came walking straight towards them..
They couldn't help but stare.



As the blonde passed them she smiled and said
'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,'
nodding and addressing each of them individually,
then she passed on by. They were both stunned.
How in the world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store
and bought even more outrageous outfits.



These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colour topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said



'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?'
'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?' She replied,



'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen.

[MSTRS:Me]

I recently came back from a tour of duty in Afghanistan. Having not seen my wife for several months, I was looking forward to a night of hot passionate sex with her. Unfortunately she came out of the shower with a towel wrapped round her head... so I shot her.

[Laava]

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of

cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were

looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday,

I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes,

and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers;

cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

...................................
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day,

'I don't know how you can be so stupid

and so beautiful all at the same time.
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

[Swoop]

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love
to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me... a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.'

'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed, 'but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began, 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car...

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days...

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the bolognese sauce I lovingly made for you last night, the sauce you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured it in moments...

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away...

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years but don't wear because you say they are too tight...

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because according to you, I don't have good taste...

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued, 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said...

'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

[MSTRS:Me]

A preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."

With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed.

He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week."

[Swoop]

My friend asked to borrow some money after losing his job at the local hospital as a Stool Sample analyst.

Of course I couldn't let him down,
Not after all the shit he's been through...

[Banditbandit]

Paddy was waiting at the bus stop with his mate when a lorry went by loaded up with rolls of turf.

Paddy said, 'I gonna do that when I win lottery'

'What's dat," says his mate.

'Send me lawn away to be cut'.

[Banditbandit]

I met a fairy today who granted me one wish.

"I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that."

"Fine," I said, "I want to die when Rodney Hide becomes Prime Minister.

"You crafty little bastard!" said the fairy.

[Swoop]

Sean Connery came round my house to put some shelves up. They weren't level, so all my ornaments fell off.

He looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, "I'm ashamed of my shelf"

[one fast tl1ooo]

Why New Zealand is in Trouble



The population of this country is 4 million


2 million are retired

That leaves 2 million to do the work

There are 1.5 million in school

Leaving 500,000 to do the work

Of these, 450,000 are "employed" by the government

So there's only 50,000 to do the work

4000 are in the armed forces, busy trying to catch Osama Bin-Laden

Which leaves just 46,600 to do the work

Take from that total the 10,000 unemployed people

Leaving just 36,600 left to do the work

At any given time there are 18,800 people in hospitals

Leaving 17,800 to do the work

Currently we have 17,798 people in prisons

That leaves just two people to do the work

You and me


And there you are

Sitting on your ass

At the computer, reading jokes

Nice..... Real nice.