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Thread: Friday jokes

  1. #451
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    Blah

    I have to admit folks this one made me really laugh its just delightful !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



    The art of lying to the kids





    The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quick bout of love making' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the Street activities.

    He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

    'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted.

    'An ambulance just drove by!'

    'Looks like the Anderson 's have company,' he called out.

    'Matt's riding a new bike!'

    'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'

    'Jason is on his skate board!

    After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having a root!!'

    Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed!

    Dad cautiously called out,

    'How do you know that?'

    'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar'!!!
    WISDOM IS KNOWING KARMA REALLY CAN'T GET YOU.

    SPEED KILLS, BUT YOU GET THERE FASTER

    DILLIGAF = Does it look like I give a FUCK - Hell no!

  2. #452
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    Gary Glitter is in Chile now.
    The only place where you can slide a minor up and down your shaft and get applauded for it.
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  3. #453
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    After a long time trapped in terrible conditions and fearing no one cared at all, those brave souls will soon be home and their ordeal will be over... only one day left of the Commonwealth Games.
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  4. #454
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    Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, Orders three pints of Guinness & sits in the corner of the room,

    Drinking a sip out of each pint in turn. When he had finished all three, He went back to the bar & ordered three more.

    The barman says,"You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it
    .............................. Your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."

    Patrick replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America ; & de odder in Australia ; & here I am in Dublin .

    When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder."

    The barman admits that this is a nice custom & says no more.

    Patrick becomes a regular customer, & always drinks the same way ........ Ordering three pints & drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished.

    One day, he comes in & orders just two pints.

    All the other regulars in the bar notice & fall silent.

    When he goes back to the bar for the second round,

    The barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

    Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops & he starts to laugh, "Oh no," he says, "Bejesus, everyone is fine!


    Tis me
    ................ I've Quit Drinking!"
    WISDOM IS KNOWING KARMA REALLY CAN'T GET YOU.

    SPEED KILLS, BUT YOU GET THERE FASTER

    DILLIGAF = Does it look like I give a FUCK - Hell no!

  5. #455
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    BBC News: Miners released after the longest duration of time trapped underground ever recorded.

    Joseph Fritzl is said to be furious at his record being overlooked!
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  6. #456
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    Tight

    On the day of the Royal wedding, Sophie was getting dressed, surrounded by her family, when she suddenly realized she had
    forgotten to purchase shoes for the day. She panicked.
    Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day.
    Unfortunately, they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over, Sophie's feet were in agony.
    When she and Edward withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off.
    The rest of the Royal Family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they roughly heard what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream.
    Eventually they heard Edward say, "God, that was tight."
    "There," whispered the Queen. "I told you she was a virgin."
    Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say. "Right. Now for the other one," followed by more grunting and straining, and at last Edward said "My God. That was even tighter."
    "That's my boy," said the Duke. "Once a sailor, always a sailor."
    Suck, Squeeze, Bang, Blow aren’t just the 4 cycles of an engine

  7. #457
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    The Pope

    After getting all of Pope Benedicts luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesnt travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.
    Excuse me, Your Holiness, says the driver, Would you please take your seat so we can leave?
    Well, to tell you the truth, says the Pope, they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.
    Im sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen? protests the driver, wishing hed never gone to work that morning..
    Who's going to tell? says the Pope with a smile.
    Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kph.. (Remember, the Pope is German..)
    Please slow down, Your Holiness! pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
    Oh, dear God, Im going to lose my license -- and my job! moans the driver.
    The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
    I need to talk to the Chief, he says to the dispatcher.
    The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that hes stopped a limo going 205 kph.
    So bust him, says the Chief.
    I don't think we want to do that, he's really important, said the cop.
    The Chief exclaimed, All the more reason!
    No, I mean really important, said the cop with a bit of persistence.
    The Chief then asked, Who do you have there, the mayor?
    Cop: Bigger.
    Chief: A senator?
    Cop: Bigger.
    Chief: The Prime Minister?
    Cop: Bigger.
    Well, said the Chief, who is it?

    Cop: I think its God!

    The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, What makes you think its God?

    Cop: His chauffeur is the Pope!
    Suck, Squeeze, Bang, Blow aren’t just the 4 cycles of an engine

  8. #458
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    Senior Citizen (Merv)

    Yesterday my wife asked why I didn't do something useful with my time. She suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.
    I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a parachute club.
    She said "are you nuts? You're 72 years old and you're going to start jumping out of air planes?"
    I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.
    She said to me, "You idiot, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"
    I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do! I signed up for five jumps a week!


    Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier.
    Suck, Squeeze, Bang, Blow aren’t just the 4 cycles of an engine

  9. #459
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    There's a rumour about that Porirua NZ is planning a bid for the 2020 Olympics. The organisers of Porirua City's bid have already drawn up an itinerary and schedule of events. A copy has been leaked and is reproduced below.

    OPENING CEREMONY: The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the city (preferably from the Titahi Bay area), wearing the traditional tea cosy. The flame will be contained in a large chip van situated on the roof of the stadium.

    THE EVENTS: In previous Olympic games, Porirua competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.

    100 METRES SPRINT: Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

    100 METRES HURDLES: As above but with added obstacles (ie. car bonnets, hedges, gardens, fences, walls etc.).

    SHOOTING: A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securitas style wages delivery man.

    BOXING: Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of Lion Brown while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.

    CYCLING TIME TRIALS: Competitors will be asked to break into the Mana College bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy from the country on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.

    MODERN PENTATHLON: Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding and arson.

    SWIMMING: Competitors will be thrown off the bridge over Paremata. The first three survivors back will decide the medals.

    MENS 50KM WALK: Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Cannons Creek.

    GYMNASTICS: Will now be held in Taylor Prestons meat works, and will include carcass vaulting and swinging from meat hooks.

    RHYTHMIC GYMNASTICS: All competitors will be graded on their ability to sway drunkenly to Metallica/Tupac.

    RELAY: Involves four competitors removing an appliance of their choice from a house in Tawa and getting back to Waitangirua using at least four stolen cars.

    DISCUS: Will be decided by which contestant can get a hubcap off a Holden and throw it to his mate the fastest.
    Do you realise how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?

  10. #460
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    Anger Management

    When you occasionally have a really bad day,
    And you just need to take it out on someone,
    Don't take it out on someone you know,
    Take it out on someone you don't know,
    But you know deserves it.

    I was sitting at my desk when I remembered
    A phone call I'd forgotten to make.

    I found the number and dialed it.

    A man answered, saying
    'Hello..'

    I politely said,
    'This is Chris.
    Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'

    Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear
    'Get the right f***ing number!'
    And the phone was slammed down on me.

    I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

    When I tracked down Robyn's correct number
    To call her,
    I found that I had accidentally transposed
    The last two digits.

    After hanging up with her,
    I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

    When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled
    'You're an asshole!'
    And hung up.

    I wrote his number down
    With the word 'asshole' next to it,
    And put it in my desk drawer.

    Every couple of weeks,
    When I was paying bills or had a really bad day,
    I'd call him up and yell,
    'You're an asshole!'

    It always cheered me up.

    When Caller ID was introduced,
    I thought my therapeutic 'asshole'
    Calling would have to stop.

    So, I called his number and said,
    'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company.
    I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our
    Caller ID Program?'

    He yelled
    'NO!'
    And slammed down the phone.

    I quickly called him back and said,
    'That's because you're an asshole!'
    And hung up.

    One day I was at the store,
    Getting ready to pull into a parking spot.

    Some guy in a black BMW
    Cut me off and pulled into the spot
    I had patiently waited for.

    I hit the horn and yelled
    That I'd been waiting for that spot, But the idiot ignored me.

    I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window,
    So I wrote down his number.

    A couple of days later,
    Right after calling the first asshole
    (I had his number on speed dial)
    I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.

    I said,
    'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'

    He said,
    'Yes, it is.'

    I then asked,
    'Can you tell me where I can see it?'

    He said,
    'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd. , in Fairfax
    It's a yellow ranch style house
    And the car's parked right out in front.'

    I asked,
    'What's your name?'

    He said,
    'My name is Don Hansen.'

    I asked,
    'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'

    He said,
    'I'm home every evening after five.'

    I said,
    'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'

    He said,
    'Yes?'

    I said,
    'Don, you're an asshole!'

    Then I hung up,
    And added his number to my speed dial, too.

    Now, when I had a problem,
    I had two assholes to call.

    Then I came up with an idea...

    I called asshole #1.

    He said,
    'Hello'

    I said,
    'You're an asshole!'
    (But I didn't hang up.)

    He asked,
    'Are you still there?'

    I said,
    'Yeah!'

    He screamed,
    'Stop calling me'

    I said, < BR>'Make me.'

    He asked,
    'Who are you?'

    I said,
    'My name is Don Hansen.'

    He said,
    'Yeah? Where do you live?'

    I said,
    'Asshole, I live at 34 oak tree Blvd., in Fairfax ,
    A yellow ranch style home and
    I have a black Beamer parked in front.'

    He said,
    'I'm coming over right now, Don.
    And you had better start saying your prayers.'

    I said,
    'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,'
    And hung up.

    Then I called Asshole #2.

    He said,
    'Hello?'

    I said,
    'Hello, asshole,'

    He yelled,
    'If I ever find out who you are...'

    I said,
    'You'll what?'

    He exclaimed,
    'I'll kick your ass'

    I answered,
    'Well, asshole, here's your chance.
    I'm coming over right now.'

    Then I hung up and immediately called the police,
    saying that I was on my way over to 34 oak tree Blvd, in Fairfax , to kill my gay lover.

    Then I called Channel 7 News
    about the gang war going down in oak tree Blvd in Fairfax .

    I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax .

    I got there just in time to watch two assholes
    beating the crap out of each other
    in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter
    and surrounded by a news crew.
    &nbs p;
    NOW I feel much better.

    Anger management really does work.
    WISDOM IS KNOWING KARMA REALLY CAN'T GET YOU.

    SPEED KILLS, BUT YOU GET THERE FASTER

    DILLIGAF = Does it look like I give a FUCK - Hell no!

  11. #461
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    You're lost and alone in the middle of a vast forest.. All you have with you
    is a soggy matchbox with a couple of broken matches left.

    You have no food, no shelter and no hope of rescue. Who do you call?




    The Pakistan cricket team. They fix matches!

  12. #462
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    I asked my wife to give me a 'Chilean Miner'.

    "Is that when I go to the bottom of your
    shaft and stay until Christmas?" she asked

    I confirmed this, but came sooner than expected.
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  13. #463
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    Chilean miner making love to his wife for first time since release:

    Miner: 'Can we switch the lights off?' . . .
    Wife: 'Of course honey' . . .

    Miner: 'Can I have you from behind?' . . .
    Wife: 'Anything you want my brave boy' . . .

    Miner: 'Can I call you Pedro? . . . . . '
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  14. #464
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    Gillette. The best a man can get.
    There's me thinking it was two hookers, some Jack Daniels and a bag of coke but no, you're right.
    Slicing my face with your over-priced blades can't be equalled.
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  15. #465
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    A womans mind is only cleaner than a mans because.......She changes it more often.
    No body move... I dropped my brain

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