Friday jokes

[husaberg]

[roogazza]

[Akzle]

[Daffyd]

One sunny day,Duncan was driving past a farm with his truck when he noticed a beautiful horse stood in one of the fields.

Hoping to buy the horse, Duncan stopped and offered the farmer 400 bucks for it.

The farmer said, “Sorry, that horse not for sale. He doesn’t look too good.”

Duncan said, “He looks just fine. Tell you what, I’ll give you 800 bucks for him.”

The farmer again said, “Sorry mate, he’s not for sale. He doesn’t look too good.”

Duncan now really wanted the horse and so increased his offer to 1,200 bucks.

The farmer said, “Well, he doesn’t look so good but if you really want him that much he’s yours.”

So Duncan bought the horse and took him home.

After one day Duncan returned to the farm, angrily. He shouted at the farmer, “Hey, you cheated me! You sold me a damn blind horse!”

The farmer calmly said, “I told you he didn’t look too good, didn’t I?”

[husaberg]

[Daffyd]

There once was Gary who was raising three daughters on his own. Gary was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered their late teens the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, Gary would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young boy knew who was boss.

The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the guy said, “Hi, my name’s Joe, I’m here for Flo. We’re going to the show, is she ready to go?” The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.

The next lad came and said, “My name’s Eddie, I’m here for Betty, we’re gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?” Gary felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.

The final young boy arrived and Gary opened the door. The boy started off, “Hi, my name’s Chuck, I am he–…” and Boom! Gary shot him.

[pete376403]

ten characters

[Bikkie]

I started my new job
today.My boss
handed me a fiver
and said,"First things
first.I need you to go
down to the shops
and buy me a glass
hammer,a skirting board ladder and a
bubble for a spirit
level."
I laughed and
said,"Do you really
think I'm that fucking
stupid?" "What do
you mean Dave?" He sniggered,Isaid,
"That lot is going to
cost more than a
fucking fiver."

[Bikkie]

An airplane was about to
crash.There were 4
passengers on board,but
only 3 parachutes.The first
passenger said,"I am Stephen
curry,the best NBA
basketball player.The
Warriors and my millions of
fans need me,and I cannot
afford to die. So he took
the 1st pack and left the
plane.The second
passenger,Donald Trump
said,"I am the newly
elected U.S.President,and I
am the smartest president
in American history,so my
people don't want me to
die." He took the 2nd pack
and jumped out of the
plane.The 3rd passenger,
the Pope,said to the 4th
passenger,a 10 year old
schoolboy,"My son,I am
old and don't have many
years left,you have more
years ahead so I will
sacrifice my life and let you
have the last parachute."
The little boy said,"That's
okay,your Holliness,there's
a parachute left for you.
America's smartest
president took my
schoolbag."

[Daffyd]

Veron comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle.

He’s got two large bags over his shoulders.

The guard stops him and says, “What’s in the bags?”

“Sand and pebbles,” answered Juan.

The guard says, “We’ll just see about that. Get off the bike!”

The guard takes the bags and rips them apart, he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand and pebbles.

He detains Veron overnight and has the sand and pebbles analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand and pebbles in two bags.

The guard releases Veron, puts the sand and pebbles into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

The next day, the same thing happens.

The guard asks, “What have you got?”

“Sand and pebbles,”replies Veron.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand and pebbles.

He gives the sand back to Veron, and Veron crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events is repeated every day for six months.

Finally, Veron doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.

“Hey, Buddy,” says the guard, “I know you are smuggling something. It makes me crazy. It’s all I think about… I can’t sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?”

Veron sips his tequila and says, “Bicycles.”

[Daffyd]

A man walks into his local butcher's shop and complains about the leg of lamb that he had previously bought, "when I cooked it the joint had shrunk so much it went from 12 inches long to only 4-inches".

The butcher said to the man "that’s funny my wife knitted me a sweater and when she washed it, it was also 4-inches in length".

"What’s your sweater got to do with my leg of lamb?" asked the man.

The butcher replied "well yer daft twat they both must have come from the same sheep."

[Daffyd]

Two old ladies are having a cigarette outside the old folks home and it starts to rain. One of them suddenly pulls a condom out of her handbag, unravels it and puts it over the cigarette so it doesnt get wet.
"Ooh, what"s that, Betty?" the other asks.
"It"s called a condom, they sell them at the chemist"s dear," she answers.
So the other goes to the chemist"s and, when asked for a condom by such an elderly lady and seeing an opportunity for mirth, the young oik behind the counter smirks and asks, "so what would you like, a ribbed one, a French tickler, flavoured?"
"Oh, I don"t mind, dear, as long as it fits a Camel."

[Daffyd]

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different.

The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.

Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene got pregnant once again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."

[Daffyd]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.

It' s only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2012 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "£90,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £950,000".

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of £900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand.

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

[Daffyd]

After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life, an old Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin.
In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it.
Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him. ‘How ’bout that!’ he exclaims, ‘Here’s a picture of me Fadder.’
He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn’t like his father, so he hung it in the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishin’, he would go there and look at it.
His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the shed.
So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the mirror..
As she looked into the glass, she fumed, ‘So that’s the ugly fookin' bitch he’s runnin’ around with.’