Friday jokes

[husaberg]

[roogazza]

[Swoop]

How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?

"The light bulb doesn't need changing, it's the system that needs to change."
None. Social workers never change anything.
None. They empower it to change itself!
None. The light bulb is not burnt out, it's just differently lit.
None. They set up a team to write a paper on coping with darkness.
Two. One to change the bulb and another to put your kids into care.
Five. One to screw it in, three to form the support group, and one to help with placement.

[YellowDog]

You'll get a cheaper rego on one of these

[Daffyd]

A lady went to the store to buy a parrot and asks the sales person, “how much is the parrot cost?” “twenty quid”, says the sales person.

“What’s so special about the parrot ?” she asks…

Sales person: “This parrot can talk”,

So the lady asks the parrot, “how do I look?”

The parrot replies, “you look like a f*cking Slut?”

The lady gets pissed off and tells the sales person that it’s a very rude parrot and she cannot buy it. The sales person tells her to please wait for 2 minutes.

The sales person takes the parrot to the back of the store and shoves the parrot into a bucket of water and when he pulls the parrot out he says, “if you disrespect the lady out there, I’ll soak you in water again” and takes the parrot back outside.

The sales person asked the lady to ask the parrot another question.

Lady: “If I come home with 1 man what would you think?”

Parrot: “He’s your husband”

Lady: “2 men”,

Parrot: “Your husband and his brother”,

Lady: “3 men”,

Parrot: “Your husband, his brother & your brother”

Lady: “4 men”,

Parrot: “Bring the f*cking bucket of water, I already told you she’s a slut!”

[Daffyd]

One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.”

His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only costs you $10.00.”

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

1. You have tennis elbow.

2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.

3. It will be better in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.

He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed it’s alights, and printed out the following analysis:

1. Your tap water is too hard.

2. Get a water softener.

3. Your dog has ringworm.

4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

5. Your daughter is using cocaine.

6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.

7. Your wife is pregnant … twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.

8. And if you don’t stop masturbating, your elbow will never get better

[roogazza]

[Daffyd]

Norman comes home utterly drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely angry.

“Where the hell have you been all night?” she demands.

“At this unbelievable new bar,” Norman says. “The Silver Night Bar. Everything there is silver. It’s got huge silver doors, a silver floor, the works – even the urinal’s silver!”

The wife still doesn’t believe her husband’s story, and the next day checks the internet, finding a place across town called The Silver Night Bar. She calls up the place to check her husband’s story.

“Is this The Silver Night Bar?” she asks when the barman answers the phone.

“Yes it is,” barman answers.

“Do you have huge silver doors?”

“Sure do.”

“Do you have silver floors?”

“Most certainly do.”

“What about silver urinals?”

There’s a long pause, then the woman hears the barman yelling, “Hey, Steve, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!”

[YellowDog]

40 years of marriage.

A married couple in their early 60s are celebrating their

40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic

little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.

She said, 'For being such an exemplary married

couple and for being loving to each other for

all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world

with my darling husband.'

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two

tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment:

'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again.

I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.!

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...

The husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story:

Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female .....

[Daffyd]

After having failed his exam, a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: “Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?”

Professor: “Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!”

Student: “Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you to give me an “A” for the Exam.”

Professor: “Okay, it’s a deal. So what is the question?”

Student: “What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?”

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an “A”, as agreed.

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.

He immediately answers:

“Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 17 Year old lover, which is logical but not legal.

The fact that you have given your wife’s lover an “A”, although he really should have failed, is neither legal nor logical.”

[roogazza]

[Daffyd]

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said the atheist. “How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?” as he smiled smugly.

“Okay,” she said. “Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?”

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”

To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don’t know shit?”

And then she went back to reading her book.

[Daffyd]

Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without s.x for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.

The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.

Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.

“Can of PAINT!” exclaimed the minister.

“Yeah,” said the newlywed man. “She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over.”

The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.

“That’s okay,” said the man. “We’re not welcome in Home Depot either.”

[husaberg]

My girlfriend and I were having sex the other day when she looked at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies."

So I fucked her in the ass, pulled out, and came all over her face and hair.

Judging by her reaction I guess we don't watch the same movies.

[roogazza]