Friday jokes

[pete376403]

Is that Melania in the first pic, and Trump without his hairpiece?

[husaberg]

...

[Swoop]

Just had a revelation of the perfect combination!

The motormower AND night vision goggles.
Just brilliant, and the drugged-up cunts over the road won't care!!!

[roogazza]

xxxxxx

[Daffyd]

Second grade teacher Sarah asked her students to, one by one, stand in front of the class and tell what their daddies do.

Kimberley went first,

“My dad is a heart surgeon and he saves people’s lives”

Sarah replies; “That’s wonderful Kimberley. Now how about you Bethany, what does your father do?”

“My dad is a criminal lawyer and he puts bad people in prison,” says Bethany

“Very good Bethany. Ok Kenneth, what does your father do?”

“My dad is dead” says Kenneth.

“Oh, I’m very sorry to hear that Kenneth,” said Sarah, “what did he do before he died?”

Kenneth answered; “He turned black and blue and shit on the carpet”

[Daffyd]

A Lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriff,s Deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy,s expense.

Deputy says, “License and registration, please.”

Lawyer says, “What for?”

Deputy says, “You didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign ”

Lawyer says, “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”

Deputy says, “You still didn’t come to a complete stop. License and registration, please.”

Lawyer says, “What’s the difference?”

Deputy says, “The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that’s the law. License and registration, please!”

Lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between “SLOW DOWN” and “STOP”, I’ll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket.”

Deputy says, “Exit your vehicle, sir.”

At this point, the Deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the Lawyer and says: “DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP OR JUST SLOW DOWN?

[Daffyd]

ix old retired guys are sat playing poker at Gary’s house one night when Rocco loses 600 bucks on a single hand. At the shock of this he clutches his chest and then drops dead from a heart attack.

Tony asks, “Who’s going to go and tell the situation to his wife?”

None of them want this horrible job so they finally decide to cut the pack, and lowest card loses and has to go tell her.

Ronald draws a three and loses so he’s the one who has to go and break the bad news. The others tell him to be discreet and gentle so as not to make a bad situation even worse.

Ronald says, “Discreet? I’m the most discreet person you’ll ever meet – discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me, not a problem.”

He drives over to Rocco’s house and knocks on the door. Rocco’s wife answers and asks Ronald what he wants.

Ronald replies, “I’m sorry to have to tell you this but your husband just lost 600 bucks playing cards and is afraid to come home. He’s asked me to come over here and apologize to you.”

Rocco’s wife goes crazy and screams, ” You tell him I said drop dead!”

Ronald doesn’t bat an eyelid and says, “Ok, I’ll go tell him.”

[Daffyd]

So this guy is in Rhode Island hunting for geese. He catches one and puts it in his bag with the other geese. Just as he closes the bag, a Hunting Inspector walks up.

“Sir, can I please see that bag?” he asks. “Sure,” says the hunter and hands the bag over.

The Inspector looks through the bag, pulls out one goose, and sticks his finger up its ass. He pulls it out, smells it and says, “This here’s a Virginia goose, and do you have a Virginia Hunting License?”

The hunter looks through his wallet and pulls out it and shows it to the inspector. The inspector nods and sticks his hand in the bag and pulls out another goose.

He sticks his finger up it’s ass and says, “This here’s a Maine goose, do you have a Maine Hunting License?”

The hunter looks again through his wallet, pulls out the card, and shows it to the inspector. He nods again, and pulls out the last goose. He does the routine and says, “This here is a Rhode Island goose, and do you have a Rhode Island Hunting License?”

The hunter fishes through his wallet, shows the card to the inspector and puts it back in.

“Boy,” you having all these licenses, where you from?” asks the Inspector.

The hunter pulls down his pants and asks, “Why don’t you find out?”

[YellowDog]

_______________________________

[Daffyd]

An airplane captain Zouma was helping a new flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip.

Upon their arrival, Zouma showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shopping, and stay overnight. The next morning as Zouma was preparing the crew for the day’s route, he noticed the new hostess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her.

The blonde hostess answered the phone, crying, and said, “I can’t get out of the room!” Zouma can’t believe what he heard and asks,

“You can’t get out of your room? Why you can’t ?”

The new hostess answers, “There are only three doors in here,” she sobbed, “One is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says ‘Do Not Disturb’!”

[Bikkie]

At the National Gallery
a husband and
wife were staring at a
potrait that had them
completely confused.
The painting depicted
three black men
totally naked sitting
on a park bench.Two
of the figures had
black penises,but the
one in the middle had
a pink penis.The
curator of the gallery
realized that they
were having trouble
interpreting the
painting and offered
his assessment.He
went on for over half
an hour explaining
how it depicted the
sexual amaculation
of black men in a
prelominately white,
patriarchal society."In
fact,"he pointed out,
"Some serious critics
believe that the pink
penis also reflects the
cultrual and
sociological
oppression
experienced by gay
men in comtemporary
society." After the
curator left,a man
approached the
couple and said,
"Would you like to
know what the
painting is really
about?"
"Now why
would you claim to be
more of an expert
than the curator of
the gallery?" asked
the couple."Because
I'm the man who
painted it," he replied."In fact,there
are no black men
depicted at all!"
They're just three
Welsh coal miners,
The guy in the middle,
went home for lunch."

[husaberg]

[Daffyd]

An old blind guy goes for a job at a lumberyard. During the interview, the owner says, “You’re blind, how can you possibly tell one piece of wood from another?”

The blind guy responds that he can tell you everything you need to know about wood by its smell. So the owner decides to test him and sends a worker out to the yard for some lumber. They lay the first piece on the desk and the blind man walks over, sniffs it from one end to the other and says, “It’s cherry, a 1” x 4” that is 6’ long!”

All the employees are stunned. “You’re right,” says the owner. They get another one and the same thing happens with the blind announcing it’s an 8’ piece of cedar. And again, he’s right.

The owner pulls an employee aside and tells him to go get the secretary, have her take her clothes off and lay on the desk.

Once she is settled in the blind guy starts at one end and sniffs the length of her. He looks stumped, so he asks to have the wood turned over, and she does. Again he sniffs top to bottom and starts to scratch his head.

The owner is getting excited because he thinks he’s fooled the old guy. Then suddenly the old guy responds, “Wait a minute, I’ve got it. It’s the shithouse door off a tuna boat!”

[Banditbandit]

In breaking news - Four athletes at the para-Olympics in Korea have tested positive for WD-40.

[Daffyd]

One day while Adam was walking on Earth, The God came to Adam to transmit some news. “I’ve got some good news and some bad news, Adam.” The God said.

Adam looked at The God and said, “Well, please give me the good news first.”

The God smiles and explains, “I’ve got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to explore new things, fix problems, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a p***s. It will give you great physical pleasure and allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate the Earth. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children.”

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, “These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great news?

“The God looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, “You will never be able to use these two great organs at the same time.”