Friday jokes

[Banditbandit]

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart

Dear Mrs. Woolf,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of chips.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.

And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in
here.' One of the Staff passed out.

[Bikkie]

A recently widowed Jewish lady named Sarah,was sitting on a beach towel
at Brighton.She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up,placed
his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.Smiling she attemped to
strike up a conversation
with him."Hello sir,how are you?" "Fine thank you," he responded,and turned
back to his book."I love the beach,Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away last year." he replied and again turned
back to his book."Do you live around here?" she asked "Yes I live over in Hove."
he answered and then resumed reading.Trying to find a topic of common interest,
Sarah persisted "Do you like pussycats?" with that the man threw his book down
jumped off his blanket onto hers tore off both their swimsuits and gave the
most torrid fuck of her life!
As the cloud of sand began to settle,Sarah gasped and asked the man,"How did you
know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied,"How did you know my name was Katz?"

[Ocean1]

Dear Mr Addison, I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more-than-prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise.

I will address them, as ever, in order.

Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we, at the Inland Revenue, have always, for reasons of accuracy, traditionally referred to such documents.

Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer, I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised.

In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.

Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores", whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking facade of a university system".

A couple of technical points arising from direct queries: 1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system; 2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrows of those with nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.

I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India" you would still owe us the money. Please forward it by Friday. Yours sincerely, H J Lee, Customer Relations.

[Daffyd]

The following is a letter from a son at boarding school to his father!

Dear Dad,

$chool is ace. I have made lot$ of new friends – $imon, $tephen and $tanley. I really can’t think of any $tuff that I need just now. If it i$ okay with you though, $end me a note or letter a$ it would be $o $o nice to hear from you!

Your loving $on!

The reply came:

Hello Son,

I kNOw that EcoNOmics, oceaNOgraphy and AstrNOmy are more than eNOugh to keep you busy. The pursuit of kNOwlege is a NOble and hoNOurable task so you can never do eNOugh studying.

Take care. Hope you have enjoyed receiving my NOte!

Love Dad!

[Daffyd]

My dad is 67 years old. One day we went to the mall with him. Suddenly I noticed he is staring at a teenage girl with Iroquois and bright yellow, green and purple hair on her head. The girl noticed his unwavering gaze and asked him, “What’s up creaker? Haven’t you ever done anything crazy?”

My dad replied immediately: “Once upon a time, I was drunk and stoned and I had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering what if you are my daughter.”

[husaberg]

Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans.

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, "First offender?" She says, "No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!”

How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad? A frog says, "Ribbit, ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, rub it.”

What's the best part about living in Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

[husaberg]

Aussie cricket unveil their new wet weather uniforms using a unique 3M material

[Akzle]

[Daffyd]

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, covered in fresh blood, and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep. However, the bats persisted until finally he gave in.

“OK, follow me,” he said, and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally, he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

“Now, do you see that tree over there?” he asked.

“Yes, yes, yes!” the bats all screamed in a hungry frenzy.

“Good,” said the first bat tiredly, “Because I didn’t!”

[Daffyd]

Married Joe and Betty are waiting at the bus stop with their eight children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it loaded and only Betty and the eight kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So Joe and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, Joe gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, “Why don’t you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is making me mad.”

The blind man replies, “If you would have put a rubber at the end of your stick, we’d be riding the bus."

[roogazza]

[Daffyd]

Two men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke. He asks the other guy if he has a lighter.

The other guy replies, “Yes I do.” And hands him a 10 inch BIC lighter.

Surprised, he asks, “Where did you get this?”

The other guy replies, “Oh, I have a personal genie.”

“Really? Can I make a wish?”

“Sure,” says the man, “but speak clearly because he is hard of hearing.”

“Okay, I will.” He says. “I want a million bucks.”

The genie says, “Okay,” and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly overhead.

And the guy says to the other, “You weren’t kidding. Your genie really is hard of hearing, isn’t he?”

“I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC?”

[Daffyd]

Two paramedics arrived at the scene of a car crash. The driver of the car was sitting in his seat, screaming hysterically.

One of the paramedics tried to calm him. “Take deep breaths and pull yourself together. Be thankful that at least you haven’t gone through the windshield like your passenger,” and he pointed at a girl lying unconscious by the side of the road. “She looks in a really bad state.”

Still crying uncontrollably, the driver yelled: “You haven’t seen what’s in her mouth!”

[Banditbandit]

[Banditbandit]