Friday jokes

[YellowDog]

SERIOUS PARKING FAIL

http://www.bbc.com/news/av/embed/p065npwc/43940803

[husaberg]

Pickle Slicer

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day and confessed to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed.
He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen.
His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh, she got fired too."

[Bikkie]

IRISH PHILOSOPHY

There are only two things to worry about
either you are well or you are sick

If you are well,

then there is nothing to worry about.


If you are sick,

then there are two things to worry about.
Either you will get well or you will die.

If you get well,

there is nothing to worry about.

If you die,

there are two things to worry about.
Either you will go to heaven or hell.

If you go to heaven,

there is nothing to worry about.

But if you go to hell.

You'll be so damn busy shaking hands
with your friends
You won't have time to worry!!

[roogazza]

[george formby]

Mick and Dave fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money. Added together, all they had was a staggering 50 pence. Mick said, "Hang on I've got an idea" went into the next butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Dave said, "Are you crazy? Now we haven't got any money at all!"

Mick replied, "Don't worry, just follow me" and went into the next pub where he immediately ordered two pints and two large Jack Daniels.

Dave said, "Now you really have lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in, we haven't any money?"

Mick said, "Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!"

After their drinks Mick said, "OK, I will now stick the sausage through my zip, you will go on your knees and put it in your mouth."

The landlord noticed them performing this act, went berserk and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Dave said, "Mate, I don't think I can continue this any longer. I am pissed and my knees are killing me."

Mick replied, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub!"

[slofox]

Two outback dudes had been on the trail for a "coupla mumfs or so (close to 7 actually)." They were filthy and stank to hell and their clothes were falling off with rot and sunscorth. Skin and bone - hadn't eaten much recently.

And lo, they came upon some kind of farm place and lo again - there were two sheilas sittin' on the gate, wavin' their feet slowly back and forth in the stinkin' heat with the buzz of the bugs keepin' time. First dude goes right up to the first sheila and says "wanna root?"

She sits motionless for a bit then turns slowly round to face him and mumbles "...well I diddin wanna at first...but ya talked me into it ya silver tongued bastard..."

[Akzle]

i thought of sideshow bob.

[Bikkie]

Food for thought!!!!!


Robbers entered a bank in a small town.
One of them shouted: "Don't move! The money belongs to the bank. Your lives belong to you..
Immediately all the people in the bank laid on the floor quietly and without panic.
This is an example of how the correct wording of a sentence can make everyone change their view of the world.

One woman laid on the floor in a provocative manner.
The robber approached her saying, Ma'am, this is a robbery not a rape.
Please behave accordingly."
This is an example of how to behave professionally, and focus on the goal.

While running from the bank the youngest robber, who had a college degree, said to the oldest robber, who had barely finished elementary school: "Hey, maybe we should count how much we stole.?? The older man replied: "Don't be stupid. It's a lot of money so let's wait for the news on TV to find out how much money was taken from the bank."
This is an example of how life experience is more important than a degree.

After the robbery, the manager of the bank said to his accountant: "Let's call the cops and tell them how much has been stolen?. "Wait, said the Accountant, "before we do that, let's add the $800,000 we took for ourselves a few months ago and just say that it was stolen as part of today?s robbery."
This is an example of taking advantage of an opportunity.

The following day it was reported in the news that the bank was robbed of $3 million. The robbers then counted the money, but they found only $1 million so they started to grumble. "We risked our lives for $1 million, while the bank's management robbed two million dollars without blinking? Maybe it?s better to learn how to work the system, instead of being a simple robber."
This is an example of how knowledge can be more useful than power.

Moral: Give a person a gun, and he can rob a bank. Give a person a bank, and he can rob everyone.

[Daffyd]

The other day a local mosque opened its doors and invited non-Muslims to visit in the spirit of their faith's willingness to be open and welcoming, so I too decided to go to the local mosque in Lakemba for the first time to see what it was all about:
Lakemba has a large Muslim population and the Lakemba Mosque is one of Australia's largest.

At the time I was limping a little. I sat down and the Imam came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said:

"By the will of Allah and the prophet Mohammed - you will walk today."

I told him I wasn't paralyzed, I only had a small bunion on my left foot.

He came back and laid his hands on me and looking skywards, earnestly repeated his mantra:

"By the will of Allah and the prophet Mohammed - you WILL walk today."

Once again, I told him there was nothing wrong with me.

After prayers I stepped outside, and bugger me, he was right,

MY CAR WAS GONE!!!

[Honest Andy]

[roogazza]

[roogazza]

[Daffyd]

Two ladies are chatting over coffee,

-‘That was nice of you to set up a blind date for your ex-boyfriend.’

-‘I know, but I don’t hold any grudges.’

-‘I’m surprised he trusted you enough to agree to go out with her.’

-‘Well, I had to swear to him she’s Jennifer Lopez’s double.’

-‘Wow! Is that true?’

-‘I wouldn’t lie. She’s twice her weight and twice her age.’

[roogazza]

Nymphomaniac Convention
A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him. "Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States ......." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded," I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.." "Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?" "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish." Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!" "Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

[Banditbandit]

A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his un-holstered pistol and yelled, "I have a 45 caliber Colt 1911 with a seven
round magazine plus one in the chamber and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife."


A voice from the back of the room called out "You need more ammo.”