Friday jokes

[Bikkie]

A lawyer married a woman who had
previously divorced ten husbands.On
their wedding night,she told her new
husband,"Please be gentle,I'm still a
virgin." "What?" said the puzzled
groom."How can that be if you've
been married ten times?" "Well,
Husband 1 was a sales
respresentative.He kept telling me how
great it was going to be.Husband 2
was in software services.He was never
really sure how it was supposed to
function,but he said he'd look into it
and get back to me.Husband 3 was
from field services.He said everything
checked out diagnostically,but he just
couldn't get the system up.Husband 4
was in telemarketing.Even though
he knew he had the order,he didn't
know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband 5 was an engineer.He
understood the basic process,but
wanted three years to research,
implement,and design a new
sate-of-the-art method.Husband 6
was from finance and administration.
He thought he knew how;but he
wasn't sure whether it was his job or
not.Husband 7 was in marketing.
Although he had a nice product,he was
never sure how to position it.
Husband 8 was a psychologist.All he ever did
was talk about it.Husband 9 was a
gynecologist.All he did was look at it.
Husband 10 was a stamp collector.
All he ever did was...God I miss him!
But now that I've married you,I'm
really excited!" "Good" said the new
husband."But why?" "You're a
lawyer.This time I know I'm going to
get really screwed."

[roogazza]

[Daffyd]

Paddy, had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It appeared that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.
On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's 18th birthday came 'round he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat . . . And nearly drowned!

Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother.

'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said,

"Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in August, ya dip shit.

[YellowDog]

Reliability issues now sorted

[roogazza]

[roogazza]

Dave and his wife, Anne, were driving home one very cold night in Wisconsin, when Anne yells at him to stop the car.

Anne jumps out and picks up a little bundle that was laying in the road.

She brings it back to the car and it turns out it was a baby skunk. It was barely alive, but very cold.

Anne says, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

Dave says, "Okay, get in the car with it."

Anne asks, "Where shall I put it to keep it warm?

Dave says, "Put it between your legs. It ought to be nice and warm there."

Anne says, "But what about the smell?"

Dave says, "Just hold his little nose."

Dave is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

[YellowDog]

Save the whales

[husaberg]

https://www.thebeaverton.com/2018/06...-eat-mexicans/

https://www.newyorker.com/humor/boro...ational-anthem

[roogazza]

[seattle smitty]

Fella is driving around the big city in the evening, late for some event and desperately trying to find a parking space. He drives up one street and down the next, but there are no parking spots and no one is leaving. Finally he pulls up at a stop sign, throws his hands skyward, and pleads, "Lord, if you would just find me a parking space soon, I promise to cut back on my drinking and gambling and hanging out in bars, and I'll start going to church on Sunday mornings and be a good boy!!"

He then takes a right at the intersection, and immediately there's an empty parking space . . . and as he quickly pulls into it he says, "Oh, never mind, Lord, I just found one myself!!"

[YellowDog]

Some are waaay too sensitive

[Moi]

A bloke walks into a brothel and says, “I'm a bit kinky, how much for total humiliation?”

The madam replies, “$300 for the lot".

He says, “Wow, what do I get for that?”

She says, “A baggy green cap and a Wallabies T-shirt".

[roogazza]

: MISSING WIFE

Was in Kmart the other day, and accidentally bumped into a young man.



Me. “Sorry mate, wasn’t watching where I was going. Looking for my wife. She’s in here somewhere”

Young Man. “That’s OK, I’ve lost my wife in here too”



Me, “Oh, what’s your wife look like?”

Young man, “She’s tall, slim build, long blonde hair, big boobs, wearing bikini top and brief shorts. What does your wife look like?”



Me, “Don’t worry about her, I’ll help you find yours”

[Bikkie]

A priest kept chickens at
his village.One evening the
cock went missing.At the
church mass prayer
gathering,the priest asked,
"Who has a cock?" All
the men got up.' "No I
meant who has seen a
cock?"...All the women got
up."No,No,who has seen
a cock that isn't theirs?"...
Half the women got up."Oh,
for Heaven's sake,who has
seen my cock?"...All the
nuns got up...
( Technical Difference )

[roogazza]