Friday jokes

[husaberg]

The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they always take things literally.?

I?m on a whiskey diet?I?ve lost three days already.?

My ex girlfriend had this really weird fetish. She used to like to dress up like herself, and act like a fucking bitch all the time.?

[Swoop]

I told the missus I was going for a piss. I came back 40mins later and she asked me what the fuck I?d been up to. I told her I?d had a ?builder?s quote?.
When she asked me what the fuck?s that, I explained it was all about ?an intended task having an outcome far larger and more involved than originally planned?.

I also advised her to leave it for 10 or 15mins.

[husaberg]

[Swoop]

Why do laxatives have a best before date?.

If they go off, what's the worst that can happen?.

[YellowDog]

Just hope it's not too hairy

[YellowDog]

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied

[husaberg]

[Dadpole]

.......... Reading fail. Carry on without me.

[Swoop]

I said to my fat wife, "you've actually managed to reduce your environmental footprint by 50 % last week!"

She was not happy though; she's still miserable after losing one of her legs to diabetes.

[Swoop]

I met a drunk ventriloquist who said she wanted to sleep with me.
I didn't know whether it was her or the beer talking.





My neighbour just walked past with two dogs.
I said to him, "I didn't know you had any dogs."
He replied, "They're not my dogs, they're my sisters."
I said, "Wow, your sisters are really fucking ugly."

[Swoop]

Me and my flat chested wife went to see a marriage counsellor today. The counsellor asked us; "What seems to be the problem?"
"Well," I said, "Dolly Parton here thinks I'm too sarcastic."

[Swoop]

Happy 7th of April to all our American members.

[husaberg]

https://www.thebeaverton.com/2019/06...to-her-family/

https://www.thebeaverton.com/2019/06...ntration-camp/

https://www.thebeaverton.com/2019/05...orst-canadian/

https://www.thebeaverton.com/2019/05...in-superfries/

[Swoop]

I gave my dog to customs & immigration as he had a nose for finding drugs like cannabis and cocaine.

I got a call today to say he had found 3 ounces of weed and 4 grams of coke on his 1st day but unfortunately had eaten the lot ...

I said "yes I know, that's why I got rid of the little bastard."

[husaberg]