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Thread: Friday jokes

  1. #4861
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    "Well Paddy, thanks for bringing your plate to the Antiques Roadshow... Unfortunately it's not Ming Dynasty as you'd hoped but, the good news is, it's Microwave and Dishwasher Safe."
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  2. #4862
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    Only a Rat can win a Rat Race!

  3. #4863
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    My nephew has been diagnosed with ADHD... Or "being a snot-nosed little cunt" as we called it in the 70s.
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  4. #4864
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    ”People who fabricate quotes by famous people are the lowest scum of the Earth arseholes to breath air on this fucking planet. Fucking cunts the lot of them” -Stephen Hawking.
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  5. #4865
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    The Indian space agency has not received a response from the moon lander. Here's an idea. Contact it pretending to be from the benefits office, saying it is owed money. It'll soon respond.





    I've decided to show my support for Vegans.
    From now on, I'll only wear leather from cows fed on grass.
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  6. #4866
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    Only a Rat can win a Rat Race!

  7. #4867
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    12th September 2004 - 17:40
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    You'd never go hungry with Nigella Gaz.
    If it weren't for flashbacks...I'd have no memory at all..

  8. #4868
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    A psychoanalyst shows a patient an inkblot and asks him what he sees. The patient says: “A man and woman making love.”

    The psychoanalyst shows him a second inkblot, and the patient says: “That’s also a man and woman making love.”

    The psychoanalyst says: “You are obsessed with sex.”

    The patient says: “What do you mean I’m obsessed? You’re the one with all the dirty pictures.”
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  9. #4869
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    Two old men, one Italian and one Greek, were arguing about history and the splendours of Athens and Rome.

    The Greek man said "Look, all I'm saying is that the Greeks invented everything the Romans get credit for!"

    The Italian said "Yes, maybe, but the Romans improved it and made it useful!"

    The Greek man said "We invented Democracy!"

    The Italian said "We realized the challenge of direct elections and the benefit of the legislature, and therefore created the Republic!"

    The Greek man said "Yes, but we created beautiful architecture like the Parthenon!"

    The Italian said "And we improved your building techniques, and used them to create aqueducts and structures that have stood for centuries longer!"

    The Greek man, frustrated, finally said "Ah, and of course the Greeks INVENTED sex!"

    The Italian man said "That may be true, but we introduced it to women."
    Only a Rat can win a Rat Race!

  10. #4870
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    Subject: FW: Sex After Death

    A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all. After a long life together, Frank was the first to die and, true to his word, he made the first contact.

    "Kris, Kris, can you hear me?"

    "Is that you, Frank?"

    "Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

    "That's wonderful! What's it like?"

    "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course" I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (and Kris, you'd be proud -- lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

    "Oh, Frank! Are you in Heaven?"

    "No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in Arizona ."

    You'd never go hungry with Nigella Gaz.
    If it weren't for flashbacks...I'd have no memory at all..

  11. #4871
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    Paris Zoo unveils the 'blob', an organism with no brain and 720 sexes.

    So, basically just a Labour voter.
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  12. #4872
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    That interview with Prince Andrew was the second worst car crash that the royal family has organised...
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  13. #4873
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    You'd never go hungry with Nigella Gaz.
    If it weren't for flashbacks...I'd have no memory at all..

  14. #4874
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    The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.”
    He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?” I said, “No, she’s an optician.”
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  15. #4875
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    Smile Sick Text Joke

    Thank fuck it's Black
    Friday tomorrow,can't
    wait to buy myself a
    new slave.

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