A very joyous week. A week where the whole world was watching a bunch of men trying to climb out of a hole they dug themselves... but enough about the labour party conference, let's talk about those Chilean miners.
Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
A very joyous week. A week where the whole world was watching a bunch of men trying to climb out of a hole they dug themselves... but enough about the labour party conference, let's talk about those Chilean miners.
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
The instructions are simple...
A nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"
First a little girl says, "The sky is definitely blue."
The teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can sometimes be gray, or black."
A second little boy says,"Trees are definitely green."
"Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."
Then little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks, "Does a fart have lumps?"
The teacher looks horrified and says, "Johnny! Of course not!!!"
"OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants!"
Do you realise how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?
Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
If a woman says she's wrong, is she still wrong?
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
His Excellency
I know a girl who is in love with two bags.
She's bi satchel.
Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
The iPad: Because the iPhone was too small for other people to notice you.
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
Missing my buddy Morepower
Garage Door
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I
saw was an old mini van with two flat tires..
Dickens Cider
By far the best engine in the world is the 'fanny"..............it pulls anything, it takes any size piston, it is self lubricating, starts with
one finger & every 4 weeks does it's own oil change......... It's just a pity the engine management system is so fucking temperamental.
No body move... I dropped my brain
troglodytam extraordinaire
And have you seen it play ping pong??Originally Posted by Stirts
Has left the building
The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about that raise. She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a
pay increase?'
Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wan an increase.The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Jor husband say so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Jor husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh..'
Maria: 'The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in bed.'
Wife: (really furious now) 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No Señora...the gardener did.
Wife: 'So, how much do you want?'
DILLIGAF
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.
Some doctor on television this morning said that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a choclets.
Yu haf no idr how bludy guod I feel rite now.
Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr paece.
WISDOM IS KNOWING KARMA REALLY CAN'T GET YOU.
SPEED KILLS, BUT YOU GET THERE FASTER
DILLIGAF = Does it look like I give a FUCK - Hell no!
Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
My wife was gang raped by a troupe of mime artists.
They performed unspeakable acts on her.
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
Missing my buddy Morepower
This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.
>
>
>
> Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion.
> Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and
> shivelling shot.
> At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters
> were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was
> called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers;they had
> fetty sweet and fatty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to
> the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.
>
>
> Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared.
> Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She
> turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with
> six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and digbicks. The gairy
> fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there
> would be a cucking falamity.
> At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when
> suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said
> Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks,so dropping
> her slass glipper.
>
>
> The very next day, the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door
> and the sugly isters let him in.. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her
> leg and let off a fig bart.. "Who'sfust jarted?" asked the prandsome
> hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.
> When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper
> on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.
> Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a
> knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge
> halls and
> a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted
> pucking ferfectly..
> Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince
> lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a
> follen swanny
Missing my buddy Morepower
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.
Three women, an American, a Kiwi and a Australian woman, were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The American woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?' The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The Kiwi woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?' The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The Australian woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been f**k*d?' The man broke into a big smile and said, 'No.'
She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.'
Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
Sliced bread.
The best thing since ripped up bread.
Bread Knives.
The best thing before sliced bread!
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
The metal is always nude.
A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.
"I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time," the doctor says.
"Oh no, that's terrible. How long have I got?" the man asks.
"10..." says the doctor.
"10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks desperately.
"10...9...8...7..."
"...you meet the weirdest people riding a Guzzi !!..."
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