Friday jokes

[YellowDog]

COVID-19
Now the lockdown has been lifted, there's a gang going through our town systematically shoplifting clothes in size order.

Police believe they are still at LARGE

[roogazza]

[Bikkie]

A guy settles into
first class on a plane
waiting to take off.
An Entourage of Cardinals
and Bishops get on the
plane with the pope.
The pope takes a seat
beside the guy and pulls
out a crossword puzzle
he starts working on it.
The guy is thinking wow
am I ever lucky to be
sitting by the pope,maybe
he'll get stuck on a word
and I can give him a hand.
Sure enough the pope starts
scraching his head and looks
up at him and asks,"Do you
know a 4 letter word that
ends with UNT and it describes
a cetain type of woman?"
After a few seconds the guy
ansewrs,"...aunt."
The pope smiles and thanks
him,looks down at the puzzle
and back up again..."You don't
happen to have an eraser on
you do you?"

[Bikkie]

Leroy got a job delivering
Cadbury Cream Eggs.
He was so excited that he
oversped and lost control
of the van on a curve.
The van plunged into a
feild,eggs spreading all
around,Leroy was thrown
out and knocked unconscious.
Soon a car arrived on the
scene.
The driver ran to the field
and started to stomp the
eggs frantically.
"Quick! come help me!",he
shouted to onlookers.
"One of them has already
hatched!"

[roogazza]

xxxxxxxxx

[Bikkie]

An asian man reversed into me at a
roundabout and claimed I'd hit him from
behind then claimed for whiplash...as did his
4 passengers which oddly I didn't see at the
time and must have been imbued with super
powers of invisibility from the trauma of the
high impact crash.
Later I found out the same passengers had
also appeared miraculously in 3 other cars on
the same day with 3 other drivers who also
had accidents and they had suffered
whiplash in each bump again and again.

You'd have thought they'd be more wary after
the 1st accident,it obviously wasn't their
lucky day.

[Swoop]

Not seen this much trouble because of one knee, since the Mills/McCartney divorce.

[YellowDog]

Great.... We have yet another new word to learn:

[YellowDog]

______________________________________________

[Swoop]

A company has produced soft furnishings with the Angel of Death pictured on them.
There's bound to be Reaper Cushions.

[Bikkie]

Kim Jong Un decided to write president
Trump a hand written letter to let him
know he was still alive....
Trump opened the letter and written was a
coded message that simply read
____370HSSV 0773H___
Trump,baffled emailed the letter to his aides
who also had no idea so they sent the letter
to the FBI...
The FBI also couldn't deceiver the code so
they posted it onto the CIA...
The CIA got to work with some of the
brightest minds in America trying to figure
out Kim Jong Uns secret code but to no
success...Defeated...The CIA contacted
the Ministers of state security in china to see
if they had any ideas...Approximately 20
minutes later the CIA had a reply!!!!....
"Tell your president he held the message
upside down."

[gjm]

_.,-=~+"^'`*`'^"+~=-,._

[Bikkie]

A little girl asks her mum,"mummy how was I
born?"

Her mother smiled and replied "Once upon a
time your daddy and I decided to plant a
wonderful tiny seed.
Your daddy planted it in the earth and I took
care of it every single day.
After a while the seed germinated and grew
tall with many leaves until it became a lovely
healthy plant.
Then we dried it and smoked it and got so
high we forgot to use a condom."

[sidecar bob]

Im building a special out of a couple of old beaters we had lying around

[Bikkie]

You are doing a good job on that special bob.