Friday jokes

[Swoop]

Following the 41 gun salute in Wellington this afternoon, the French Ambassador has phoned Cindy to surrender... just in case.

[YellowDog]

_____________________________

[Swoop]

Interviewer: "so you don't object to us contacting your previous employer just to make sure you're going to fit in here?"

Me: "not not at all, as long as I can speak to your previous employees so I can know why they left".

[roogazza]

[Swoop]

"May I help you?"

"I can't see a toilet for my gender identity, only for men and women."

"Here's a tampon for you."

"But I don't have a vagina."

"Gents it is, then."

[YellowDog]

A Russian Jew named Jacob was finally allowed to emigrate to Israel. At the Moscow airport, a customs inspector found a statue of Lenin in his luggage. "What is this?" Jacob replied,
"Wrong question, comrade. You should have asked 'Who is this?' This is Comrade Lenin. He laid the foundations of Socialism and created the future prosperity of the Russian people. I am taking it with me as a memory of our dear hero." The Russian customs official sent him on his way.

At Tel Aviv airport, the Israeli customs official also asked "What is this?"
"Wrong question, sir. You should be asking 'Who is this?' This, my friend, is Lenin, the bastard who caused me, a Jew, to leave Russia. I take this statue as a reminder to curse him every day." The Israeli official sent him on his way.

When he settled in his new home, Jacob placed the statue on a table. The following evening, he invited friends and relatives to dinner. Spotting the statue, one of his cousins asked, "Who is this?" Jacob replied,
"Wrong question. You should have asked 'What is this?' This is five kilograms of solid gold that I managed to bring with me without having to pay any customs duty or tax."

Finally, a clear definition for Politics: Politics is when you can tell the same shit in different ways to fool different people and come out smelling like a rose.

[slofox]

As I get older, I find it harder to play those old computer games that I have played for many years and usually solved with my eyes shut. Bad thing?

Well, actually, no.

It saves money! It means I don't have to buy any new games. All the ones I play are totally new to me every time I play them.

Count your blessings

(just in case you are wondering, this is kinda true for me these days...)

[YellowDog]

________________________________

[roogazza]

[Laava]

Finally I found my wifes G spot!
Her sister had it all along!

[Swoop]

Allegations of corruption have been leaked from the Professional Referees Association.

Authorities are trying to identify the whistle-blower.

[R650R]

Jacinda walks into a Bank to cash a cheque. As she approaches the cashier she says, "Good morning, Ms could you please cash this cheque for me?"

Cashier:"It would be my pleasure Sister. Could you please show me your ID?"

Jacinda:"Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am jacinda Adern, leader of the labour Party and prime minister of New Zealand !!!!"

Cashier:"Yes Sister, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."

Jacinda : Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier: "I am sorry, Ms Adern, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Jacinda :"Come on please, I am urging you, please cash this cheque."

Cashier: "Look ms Adern, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque."

"Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque. So, ms Adern, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you?"

Jacinda stands there thinking and thinking and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do. I don't have a clue."

Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes , Ms Adern?

[mcshaz]

Remind anyone of some KB threads?

Sent from my Mi Note 10 Pro using Tapatalk

[Swoop]

Kids today don't know how well off they are..

I was orphaned at a young age and raised by a pack of hyenas.

No toys, no posh house, facing starvation scouring for food, but boy, did we have some laughs!

[Piper]

A pastor entered his
donkey in a race and it
won.

The pastor was so
pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the
race again and it won
again.

The local paper read:
PASTOR ASS OUT
FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset
with this kind of publicity
that he ordered the pastor
not to enter the donkey in
Another race.

The next day the local
paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES
PASTOR ASS.

This was too much for the
Bishop so he ordered the
pastor to get
rid of the donkey.

The pastor decided to
give it to a Nun in a nearby
convent.

The local paper, hearing
of the news, posted the
following headline the
next day: NUN HAS BEST
ASS IN TOWN.

Then Bishop fainted

He informed the Nun that
she would have to get rid
of the donkey so she sold
it to a farm for $10.

The next day the paper
read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR
$10.

This was too much for
the Bishop so he ordered
the Nun to buy back the
donkey and lead it to the
Plains where it could run
wild.

The next day the headlines
read: NUN ANNOUNCES
HER ASS IS WILD AND
FREE.

"MORAL OF THE
STORY"... being
concerned about public
opinion can bring you
much grief and misery and
even shorten your life

So be yourself and enjoy
life stop worrying about
Everyone else's ass and
just cover your own!!!
You'll be a lot happier and
live longer!