Kate Middleton must be laughing. Marrying a prince and no mother in law!
Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
Kate Middleton must be laughing. Marrying a prince and no mother in law!
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
Anarchic Wild Child
A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, 'I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?'
The blonde said, 'No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.'
The milkman asked, 'Do you want it pasteurised?'
The blonde said, 'No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my eyes.'
"So if you meet me, have some sympathy, have some courtesy, have some taste ..."
Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
Kate Middleton, the first person to squeeze into Diana's ring since Dodi Al Fayed.
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
Anarchic Wild Child
Two aliens landed on the Salisbury plain near a petrol station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the petrol pump and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The petrol pump, of course, didn't respond.
Annoyed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!"
The older alien warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.'
'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away.
'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He nearly killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'
"So if you meet me, have some sympathy, have some courtesy, have some taste ..."
Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
Scientists ran tests on a bowl of peanuts off a pub bar, and discovered traces of urine.
Further tests revealed it was actually steinlager.
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
Anarchic Wild Child
A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons.
The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
"So if you meet me, have some sympathy, have some courtesy, have some taste ..."
Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
Dear Mum and Dad,
Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the
flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2
sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because
we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't
write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue
Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it
hadn't been for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without
telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so
he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire,
the gas will blow up?
The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our
clothes.
Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It
wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left.
Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect
something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.
We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if
it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot
with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the
trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In
fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where
there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out
to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and
Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because
we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was
great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.
Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get
mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the
bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew
dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet
works.
Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food
poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way
with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our
scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better
while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?
I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy
some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and
tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
Anarchic Wild Child
Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his Willie today at the playground !"
Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked, "Really small, was it?"
Sally replied, "No... Salty."
Mum fainted.
"So if you meet me, have some sympathy, have some courtesy, have some taste ..."
Hardcore Biker
What goes in long and hard and comes out soft and sticky?
Chewing gum.
Never in the field of human conflict has so much been owed to so few by so many cheese eating surrender monkeys.
(Winston Churchill on the French.)
The instructions are simple...
God was tired and worn out. So he spoke to St. Peter. "You know, I need a vacation. Got any suggestions where I should go?" St. Peter, thinking, nodded his head and said "How about Jupiter? It's nice and warm there this time of the year." God shook His head before saying, "No, too much gravity. You know how that hurts my back." "Hmmm," St. Peter reflected. "Well, how about Mercury?" "No way!" God muttered. "It's way too hot there!" "I've got it," St. Peter said, his face lighting up. "How about going down to Earth for your vacation?" Chuckling, God remarked, "Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went there and banged some Jewish girl... they're STILL talking about it!"
Do you realise how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?
Grumpy Old Bastard
There were more in the email but even KB has its limits I reckon...
Got caught wanking while sniffing my mate's sister's knickers yesterday...
Wouldn't have been so bad but she was still wearing them at the time.
He went ballistic!
Made the rest of her funeral very awkward for the both of us.
Scientists found that many women develop " Hoover 's Disease" after a year of marriage.
They make a continuous fucking whining noise and don't suck anymore.
Just watched "antiques road show".
This old lady placed a used tampon on the table and said "There you go you clever cunt, tell me what period that’s from"
. “No pleasure is worth giving up for two more years in a rest home.” Kingsley Amis
The instructions are simple...
Surely he jests....Originally Posted by slofox
Do you realise how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?
Grumpy Old Bastard
Probably more like my own limits actually...
. “No pleasure is worth giving up for two more years in a rest home.” Kingsley Amis
Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
I see the Catholic Church is finally moving with the times by allowing condoms to be used. I suppose forensics are getting pretty advanced these days...
So the Pope has said it's now OK to wear condoms?
In a totally unrelated story, Durex have announced 300 new jobs at their Italy and Ireland factories to cope with fresh demand...
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
Anarchic Wild Child
A Blonde has been unemployed for a while, so she decides to go around the neighbourhood to see if anyone has small jobs they might paty her for.
She knocks on the door of the richest looking house in the street, a man opens the door and the blonde explains what she is there for.
The man says the porch needs painting, and asks her how much she would charge.
"$50," the Blonde says.
"That's great," says the man. "You'll find paint, brushes and a step ladder in the garage."
An hour later the Blonde knocks ont he door and a woman opens it. The Blonde explains she has finished the painting job. The woman calls her husband, who says "That was quick."
"Yes'" replies the blonde. "And there was enough paint to give it two coats as well."
The man is impressed and reaching into his pocket pulls out $50. As he hands it to her, the blonde says "Oh, by the way - it's not a porch ... it s a Ferrari ..."
"So if you meet me, have some sympathy, have some courtesy, have some taste ..."
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