Friday jokes

[crazyhorse]

You don't even have to be a mother to enjoy this one...

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of the platonic relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?'

Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:

__________________________________________________ ________

Dear Mom,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Brian
__________________________________________________ ________

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:
__________________________________________________ __

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom

LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER

[crazyhorse]

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large,
trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.


"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"

[doc]

MURDER AT WOOLWORTHS





Tired of constantly
being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.




A 'friend of a friend'
put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.



The
husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside.
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.



A few
days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Woolworths Supermarket store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.



However,
unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave
the store.



Under intense
questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.


The next day in the
newspaper, the headline declared...




(You're
going to hate me for this...)



'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ WOOLWORTHS

[Swoop]

Sell a man a fish, he'll eat for a day.

Teach a man to fish and you've ruined a perfect business opportunity.

[Banditbandit]

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son..

He gives the young boy three penny coins to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face....

The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back..

The boy coughs up 2 of the penny coins but is still choking.

Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.. tighter and tighter !!!

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the coins', which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

'No,' the woman replied.

I'm with the Inland Revenue..'

[Swoop]

New Transport Security Agency bumper stickers...

[Swoop]

Anyone else noticed Ireland ran out of money when the Pope said condoms were okay?

[Banditbandit]

Sell a man a fish, he'll eat for a day.

Teach a man to fish and you've ruined a perfect business opportunity.

Give a man a fish - feed him for a day ...

Teach him to use the intrnet and he won't bother you for weeks ...

[Swoop]

Give a man a fish - feed him for a day ...

Teach him to use the intrnet and he won't bother you for weeks ...

I really thought it was "give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day, teach a man to fish and hell sit in a boat drinking beer for days!".

[crazyhorse]

The other day I was in an empty pub having a quiet beer by myself. The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on.

She was 5'10'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top.

I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.

After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer.

No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and sitting down.

She said 'Hi' and I said 'Hi' in return

She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down.

'So, does that make you feel good ?' she asked.

'I'll bet you feel good,' she continued. 'In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before.'

'Well, I have,' I corrected her. 'You see, when I was 18, I was picked to play for the school 1st. XV in the Public School Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good.'

I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go but she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast.

'How do you feel now,' she purred. 'OK' I replied. Again, she said, 'I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!'

Unbelievably I heard myself saying 'Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The Opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it... I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, handed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback, regathered and scored a Try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds 'till full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal with which to win the match and........ '

"Ahhh...." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt. My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton and she was wet !!!! She whispered, 'Well tell me this, Mr. Rugby Man, have you ever felt such a perfect c^^t?'

'I certainly have,' I answered, 'I missed the kick.'

[Swoop]

How the world lines up if it all kicks off with Korea:

CHINA - Will probably stick up for North Korea. Why do you think they try this shit in the first place?

UNITED STATES - US soldiers will be desperate to fight for a country full of horny Asian girls in mini-skirts.

BRITAIN - Korea was probably part of the British Empire at some point, so England will be duty bound to help America commit savage war crimes.

GERMANY - God knows, but lets hope it's on our side.

ITALY - God knows, but let's hope it's on their side.

BRAZIL - We're not sure if Brazil has an army, but if it does, it's probably gay.

INDIA - Will favour the South due to the North's competing inexplicable space programme.

JAPAN - The Japanese have long coveted North Korea as a place to stack their rubbish.

FRANCE - Don't seem to be answering their phone at the moment. How odd

[crazyhorse]

In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point. The question was where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, it's Africa .

One of the other questions was to name two things commonly found in cells. It appears that Maori's & Islanders is not the correct answer.

I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.

My wife told me I was no longer romantic, so I booked a table for the two of us on Valentine's Night. Problem was she sucks at snooker & darts.

There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in Mangere, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets.

You can say lots of bad things about paedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.

A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems. "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor. "Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair."

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a moustache."

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche & mentioned it on Facebook. I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know 4000 f....g Muslims have added me as a friend !!

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard.”

The FBI have discovered how to weave Muslim prayer mats out of plastic explosives ....... Apparently prophets are going through the roof !!

The red cross have just knocked at our door and ask if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan . I said we would love to, but our hose pipe only reaches the bottom of the garden.

[kevfromcoro]

Whats. black and red,yellow and orange , white and blue.
And smells like fish ??


Clitorus allsorts...

[kevfromcoro]

When walking in these woods..
Be extremly carefull of Bears..
They are very dangreous and should not be aproached..
the black bear feeds on , leaves. berries/ and it very fond of squirels..
It is a good idea to wear bells, whistles and carry a can of Pepper spray...To warn the bears that you are in the area...
Look for signs of bears pooh.....
The black bears pooh will have signs of . leaves, berries and squirels fur
The grizzly bears pooh will be a lot larger..
It will have signs of bells, whistles. and smell like pepper spray....

[Swoop]

The biggest trouble causers in this country are the police. Have you seen how many protests they attend?









I just poured superglue into a non-stick pan.
Somebody is going to be wrong.