Major tsunami warning alert! All Maoris report 2 the nearest beach urgently 2 protect your fucking foreshore !
Has left the building
Major tsunami warning alert! All Maoris report 2 the nearest beach urgently 2 protect your fucking foreshore !
Anarchic Wild Child
Last Tuesday Prime Minister John Key got out of a taxi at the Beehive carrying a baby piglet under each arm.
The security guard at the door snapped to attention, saluted and said: "Nice pigs, sir."
The John Key replied: "These are not pigs. These are authentic KuniKuni Razorback Hogs. I got one for Hone Harawira from the Maori party and one for Chris Carter from the Labour Party."
The squared-away guard again snapped to attention, salutes and said;
"Excellent trade, sir."
"So if you meet me, have some sympathy, have some courtesy, have some taste ..."
Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
International Rugby Board (IRB) Rugby World Cup 2011.
Following complaints to the IRB about the All Blacks being allowed to motivate themselves by performing the 'Hakka' before their games, other nations were asked to suggest pre-match rituals of their own. The IRB Rugby World Cup 2011 organizing committee has now agreed to the following pre-match displays.
1. The England team will chat about the weather, wave hankies in the air and attach bells to their ankles, before moaning about how they invented the game and gave it to the world, but no-one appreciates them.
2. The Scotland team will chant "You looking' at me, Jimmy?" before each of them smash a bottle of beer over their opponents' heads.
3. The Ireland team will split into two, with the Southern half perfoming a Riverdance, while the Northerners march the traditional route from their dressing room to the pitch via their opponents' dressing room.
4. Unfortunately the committee was unable to sanction the Welsh proposal to form a choir and sing Tom Jones' "The Green Green Grass of Home".
5. Argentina will unexpectedly invade a small part of opposition territory, claim it as their own "Las In-Goal-Areas", and have to be forcibly removed by the match stewards.
6. Two members of the South African team will claim to be more important than the other 13, whom they will imprison between the posts. These two will then go about selecting the best parts of the pitch to settle on and claim they have been there for centuries.
7. The Americans will not attend until almost full time. In future years they will amend the records to show that they were, in fact, the most important team in the tournament, and Hollywood will produce a blockbuster film called "Saving Flanker Ryan".
8. Five of the Canadian team will sing "Le Marseillaise" and hold the rest of the team to ransom.
9. The Italian team will arrive in Armani gear, sexually harass the female officials, and then prepare pasta dishes, which they will then flog to the crowd for a fortune.
10. The Japanese will shock fans by demonstrating how to capture a whale for scientific research by harpooning an opposition prop.
11. The French won't have a pre-match display and will simply hide in fear in the dressing room for the whole match.
12. The Australians will have a barbecue on their side of the field and invite the opposition over before the game. The food and alcohol will be in abundance and, by the start of the game, no-one will remember what they came to the stadium for. After some streaking, the singing of dirty songs and the occasional chunder, everyone will go home thoroughly convinced it was a bloody good night.
13. The Moroccan team will quietly pray during the first half and then launch suicide attacks against the opposition after the break. Unfortunately, this strategy works well for the first game only, after which Morocco is forced to withdraw from the tournament due to lack of players.
14. Samoa will prepare a huge feast in the middle of the pitch by digging a large hole and filling it with burning embers. They will invite the opposition over by saying "We'd like to have you for dinner." Only when the opposition arrive at the pit will they realise that there is no meat and that they are, in fact, the main course.
Hopefully, with these policies now in place, further problems in this area should cease to exist.
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
Missing my buddy Morepower
Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.
The first woman said, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job."
The second woman responded, "Oh, that's nothing. I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!"
"Whoa," replied the first woman. "I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"
Has left the building
In 1872 the Arabs invented the condom,using a goat's lower intestine .In 1873 the Poms somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.
Que?
Young Rangi comes home late one saturday night and tells his dad;
"I just shagged that pakeha sheilah down the road, dad"
Rangi's father replied;
"That's choice, Rangi. I sure hope you remembered our talk and wore something!"
Rangi proudly exclaimed;
"I sure did dad. I wore your balaclava!"
Has left the building
Caught the wife watching a cookery program today.
I said to her "But you cant cook" to which she replied "You watch porn"
Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
I have ADHD. It's like ADD except the picture quality is phenomenal.
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
Anarchic Wild Child
Yesterday morning, I saw a radical Muslim, ranting on about Western aggression in the peace loving Islamic paradise of Afghanistan ..
He suddenly lost his footing and fell into the Brisbane River .
Being a responsible citizen, I notified the emergency services. By noon today, they still hadn't arrived.
I'm beginning to think I've wasted a frigging stamp!
"So if you meet me, have some sympathy, have some courtesy, have some taste ..."
Anarchic Wild Child
As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport, President Obama strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.
They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.
Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.
The Queen turns to President Obama, " Mr. President, please accept my regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."
Obama, always trying to be "Presidential," replied: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought... Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."
"So if you meet me, have some sympathy, have some courtesy, have some taste ..."
Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
When Muslim parents have to use the, "Open wide, here comes the air-plane!" technique, do they just smash it in their face and make explosive noises?
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
Missing my buddy Morepower
Little Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?
Little Johnny answered:
Drin-king, smo-king and bon-king.
Has left the building
A study conducted by Sydney University's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest with a cricket bat up his arse while he is on fire.
No further studies are expected on this subject.
Has left the building
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quick bout of love making' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the Street activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted.
'An ambulance just drove by!'
'Looks like the Anderson 's have company,' he called out.
'Matt's riding a new bike!'
'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'
'Jason is on his skate board!
After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having a root!!'
Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed!
Dad cautiously called out,
'How do you know that?'
'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar'!!!
Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
Just found out Phil Goff's incontinent.... I read it on dickileaks.
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)
Posting Permissions
Reply With Quote
Bookmarks