Friday jokes

[Laava]

This time of the year always makes me think about Santa and what a cool life he’s got. I mean who else do you know that gets to do the following:

1) Only dress in red
2) Sneak in and out of home’s at night
3) Has helpers to do all the hard work for them
4) Always has ready access to untraceable goods
5) And best of all who else only gets to works one day a year

What a life! You’d think more people would cotton onto it.



Oh look here comes Santa now …..

[tigertim20]

baaahahahahahahahahaha awesome

[DMNTD:Me]

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something "Christmassy".

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.

The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of panties.

Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"

The third man answered "They're Carol's."

[Banditbandit]

Two mates, Terry and Bob are out fishing and enjoying a quite beer or three.

Terry says quietly, so as not to disturb trhe fish: "I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in two months."

Bob has a couple of swallows and replies: "I'd think twice about that mate - a woman like that is hard to find ..."

[Swoop]

A defendant was on trial for murder in South Auckland. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."

He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

Answered the jury foreman: "Oh, we did look. But your client didn't".

[crazyhorse]

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.

Some doctor on television this morning said that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.� So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a choclets.


Yu haf no idr how bludy guod I feel rite now.

Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr paece.

[Swoop]

ONE NEWS:


Burglars Look To Target Empty Homes At Xmas.
Now I knew burglars were stupid, but not that fucking stupid.

[pete376403]

With the christmas party season fast approaching, a timely message:

IMPORTANT HEALTH ADVICE FOR WOMEN.

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

Do you suffer from shyness?

Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Sauvignon Blanc.

Sauvignon Blanc is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Sauvignon Blanc almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.

Stop hiding and start living.

Sauvignon Blanc may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include: dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister!

WARNINGS: -

* The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

* The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

* The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may cause you to think you can sing.

* The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

* The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

PS:

Please feel free to share this important information with as many women as you feel may benefit!

Now Just Imagine What You Could Achieve With a Good Dry Merlot!!!

[Hinny]

--- A truly touching story...truly touching!


I met a girl in the park the other evening.


There was an instant spark between us

and she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on the grass at my feet.

As we lay making love, I thought

"These taser guns are well worth the money."

[Swoop]

I've just renamed my wifi network to "Police Surveillance Van #02".

That should keep my neighbours on their toes for a while.

[Swoop]

The dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the patient a shot.

'No way! No needles. I hate needles" the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects.

"I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!"

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.

"No objection," the patient says. ''I'm fine with pills."

The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra."

The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"

"It doesn't" said the dentist, "but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth".

[Swoop]

It's getting close to the time of year again when that fat bastard with the beard brings presents round for the kids.

Or, as my wife likes to call her, "Mum".

[crazyhorse]

Bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants.
>
> "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between
> your tits" he says.
>
> "You dirty bastard!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my
> husband."
>
> The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe.
>
> The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants.
>
> "I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of
> your
> arse and lick it all off."
>
> She says, "You dirty filthy pervert! You're banned. Get out!!"
>
> Again, the bloke apologizes and swears never ever to do it again.
>
> "One more chance," says the barmaid, "Now - what do you want?"
>
> "I want to turn you upside down, tear your knickers off and fill your
> pussy
> with Guinness, and then drink every last drop from the hairy cup."
>
> The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to
> fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly.
>
> "What's up love?" he asks.
>
> "There's a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head between my tits
> and
> lick the sweat off", she says.
>
> "I'll kill him. Where is he?" storms the Husband.
>
> "Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks and
> lick
> it off" she screams.
>
> "Right. He's dead!" says the husband, reaching for a baseball bat.
>
> "Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny with
> Guinness
> and then drink it all" she cries!
>
> The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and switches
> the
> telly back on.
>
> "Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically.
>
> "Look love, I'm not messing with any bloke who can drink 15 pints of
> Guinness..."
>

[Swoop]

What is the height of optimism?

An Australian batsman applying sun cream...

[crazyhorse]

I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world.

I told them to F**k off. Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving.