Friday jokes

**crazyhorse** · 4th January 2011, 11:14

A guy is 75 years old and loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say,

'Pick me up.'

He looked around and couldn't see anyone.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,

'Pick me up.'

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.'

Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman

you have ever seen.

I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because

I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time,

reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.

The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?

I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'

With age comes wisdom.

**sfordnz** · 6th January 2011, 20:30

Mr Muscle - Loves the jobs you hate !
What a load of bollox, I bought a bottle yesterday and it still hasn't shagged the missus ...

**blackdog** · 6th January 2011, 20:33

Originally Posted by sfordnz

Mr Muscle - Loves the jobs you hate !
What a load of bollox, I bought a bottle yesterday and it still hasn't shagged the missus ...

shit, that reminds me its my wedding anniversary tommorrow

**kevfromcoro** · 9th January 2011, 20:08

2 blokes were out hunting. and came accross a massive hole in the ground.
look at that says one,,, wonder how deep it is...
tell you what.. lets chuck something down it and see how long it takes to get to the bottom.
ok.. theres and old auto transmission. over there. lets biff it down.
so off they go.
a few minutes a goat comes flying out of the bushes. at a hundred miles an hour. and straight down the hole.
a few moments latter a farmer turns up. and says.. you havent seen my goat have you?.
yeah the hunters say.. he just came roaring out of the bushes. and jumped down that hole..
thats imposible says the farmer..
he was chained to that auto transmission....

**Swoop** · 11th January 2011, 08:01

SKY News: David and Victoria Beckham expecting fourth child!
Oh wait, no, she's just eaten an apple.

**Banditbandit** · 11th January 2011, 09:34

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?' Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms.. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his question he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions..'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms.. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Fire truck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...'

**HenryDorsetCase** · 11th January 2011, 11:12

Whats got 9 arms, and sucks?

Def Leppard.

**MSTRS:Me** · 12th January 2011, 09:15

One time, I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.
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I was in a card store and they had cards that said 'Get Well Soon.' Fuck that -- get well now.

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I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away.

**MSTRS:Me** · 14th January 2011, 08:44

Beware the vindictive and ill tempered Wife.
My wife asked me, "How many women have you slept with?"
I proudly replied, "Only you, Darling. With all the others, I was awake."
Hospital Visiting Hours are 10 AM to 8 PM.

**Banditbandit** · 14th January 2011, 11:33

Q. What do you call an Aussie with a bottle of champagne?

A. A waiter

Q. What do you call an Aussie who can hold a catch?

A. A fisherman

Q. Why can no one drink wine in Australia at the moment?

A. They don't have any openers

Q. What's the difference between Cinderella and the Aussies?

A. Cinderella knew when to leave the ball

Q. What do you call a world class Australian cricketer?

A. Retired

Ring Ring.....

"Hello - Australian team dressing room"

"Hello mate...Can I speak to Ricky Ponting please?"

"Sorry mate - he's just gone out to bat..."

"It's OK - I'll hold...."

Q. What is the height of optimism?
A. An Australian batsman putting on sunscreen.

Q. What would Jimmy Anderson be if he was Australian?
A. An all rounder.

Q. What is the main function of the Australian coach?
A. To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.

Q. Why don't Australian fielders need pre tour travel injections?
A. Because they never catch anything.

Q. What's the Australian version of LBW?
A. Lost, Beaten and Walloped.

Q. What do you call an Australian with 100 runs against his name?
A. A bowler.

Q. What's the most proficient form of footwork displayed by Ponting?
A. The walk back to the pavilion.

Q. Who has the easiest job in the Australian squad?
A. The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.

Q. What do Australian batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.

Q. Why are Australian cricketers cleverer than Houdini?
A. Because they can get out without even trying.

Q. What does Steve Smith put in his hands to make sure the next ball almost always takes a wicket?
A. A bat

A bloke walks into a brothel and says: "I'm a bit kinky, how much for total humiliation?"

The madam replies $60.

"Wow, what do I get for that?" he says.

She says: "A baggy green cap and an Australia cricket shirt".

**YellowDog** · 14th January 2011, 12:32

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite – All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary

Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action!
So I sent her my ironing. That’ll keep the lazy woman busy.

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn’t what they had in mind.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman.- That’s when he realised he had made it home safely.

Paddy says to Mick, “Christmas is on Friday this year”. Mick said, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th then.”

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.

Came home today to find all my doors and windows smashed in and everything gone. What sort of sick person does that to someone’s Advent calendar…

I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, “Never mind son, maybe next year you’ll get a speaking part.”

Just had my water bill of $175 drop on my mat. That’s a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just $2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

**Swoop** · 15th January 2011, 09:56

My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will pick on him because of his name.

I said, "Don't be silly, Someoneyourownsize, why would anyone pick on you?"

**crazyhorse** · 16th January 2011, 06:46

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other toilet saying:
'Hi, how are you?'

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
'Doin' just fine!'

And the other person says:
'So what are you up to?'

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
'Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!'

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
'Can I come over?'

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them
'No..I'm a little busy right now!!!'

Then I hear the person say nervously...

'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other toilet who keeps answering all my questions.'

Mobile phones, don't you just love them!

**Swoop** · 17th January 2011, 12:02

What has 400 legs, but no pubic hair?

The front row of Justin Bieber concert.

**crazyhorse** · 17th January 2011, 20:03

An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company. So, off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. None of the pets seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.

He whispered, 'I'M SO LONELY, TOO. BUY ME AND TAKE ME HOME.. YOU WON'T EVER BE SORRY.'

The old lady figured, what the heck! She hadn't found anything else. So, she bought the frog. She placed him in the car on the front seat beside her.
As she was slowly driving down the road, the frog whispered to her "KISS ME AND YOU WON'T BE SORRY"..!

So! The old lady figured, WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.

IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, young, handsome prince.

THE PRINCE THEN RETURNED THE OLD LADY'S KISS.

SUDDENLY THE OLD LADY FELT HERSELF TRANSFORMING FROM HIS KISS. NOW, CAN YOU GUESS WHAT THE OLD LADY TURNED INTO?

COME ON GUESS!

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She turned into the first Holiday Inn she could find!

She's old...... NOT DEAD!!!!!
OLD LADIES ROCK