Best selling shoe in Brisbane
Dickens Cider
Best selling shoe in Brisbane
No body move... I dropped my brain
Missing my buddy Morepower
A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.
The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said:
"Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."
So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked:
"Do you shave?"
"No," replied the girl.. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.....very generously indeed.
The girl finished her bath and went to bed.
Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?"
"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."
"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."
"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!"
Grumpy Old Bastard
Originally Posted by crazyhorse
"You must spread the..yaddayaddayadda..."
. “No pleasure is worth giving up for two more years in a rest home.” Kingsley Amis
Anarchic Wild Child
Little Billy is having a bath with his Mum. He points between her legs and asks "What's that hairy thing?"
"Oh, that's my sponge," his mother replies.
"Cool," says little Billy. "The baby sitter has one. I've seen Dad wash his face with it."
"So if you meet me, have some sympathy, have some courtesy, have some taste ..."
Missing my buddy Morepower
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time.
She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.
Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist Dr. Chang.
So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said 'OK take off all your crose.'
The woman did as she was told.
'Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.'
Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.' So she did.
Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said, 'Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary disease.
Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.'
Worried the woman asked anxiously, 'Oh my God Dr.Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease?'
Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, 'Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your arse.'
Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
I'd like to thank the person who looked at a buzzing Bee-hive and thought: "Those bastards are hiding something delicious in there I know it."
How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?
Who cares, they never get the house anyway
My granddad has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from Auckland zoo.
Goths. Save money on black nail varnish by hitting your fingernails with a claw hammer.
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
Missing my buddy Morepower
“Dad, Dad, I auditioned and I got a part in the school play!!!”
“Well done son.”
“Yeah, I’m playing the part of a man who’s been married for 25 years.”
“Never mind son, next time you might get a speaking part.”
Missing my buddy Morepower
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists
found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the
conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more
than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Brit's, in the weeks that followed, an American
archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story
published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding
traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors
already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years
earlier than the British".
One week later, the New Zealand Herald, reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Onerahi, Bill Paku
a self-taught archaeologist and avid Motorhomer reported that he
found absolutely f--- all. Paku has therefore concluded that 250 years
ago, New Zealand had already gone wireless."
Just makes you bloody proud to be a Kiwi!
The instructions are simple...
An 18-year-old suicide bomber blew himself up and appeared before Allah. He said, "Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, but I have a request. Since I'm only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I never was with a woman. So, instead of 72 virgins, who also won't know what to do sexually, can I have 72 whores?"
Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, "Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because assholes like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you're here to service them. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous; and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty."
The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?" Allah replied, "Who said they are women?"
Do you realise how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?
Missing my buddy Morepower
Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living.
All the typical Answers came out, fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy,
But Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club, and takes off all his Clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."
The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true.
"No" said Billy,
"He plays cricket for Australia but I was just too embarrassed to say."
Anarchic Wild Child
Dave was staring sadly into his pint and sighed heavily.
“What’s up Dave” asked the Landlord… “It’s not like you to be so down in the mouth”
“It’s my four year old son…” the man replied.
“Don’t tell me, he’s in trouble for fighting in school? – my lad’s just the same – forget about it, it happens to boys that age” said the landlord, sympathetically.
“I only wish it was that” continued the customer, “ but it’s far worse than that. The little bastard has got our gorgeous 18 year old next-door-neighbour pregnant.”
“Get away, that’s impossible!” gasped the landlord
“It’s not” said the man…“the little sod stuck a pin in all my condoms”
"So if you meet me, have some sympathy, have some courtesy, have some taste ..."
Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Wally! - The 'Where's Wally' audiobook.
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
Missing my buddy Morepower
...the new policy on sexual harassment included a photo of me.
...the Security guard made a complete inventory of my work area.
...my assistant began responding to my memos with, "Yeah, whatever."
...I got a "It's for you loser" wav receiving e-mail, & not a chime.
...my new Pentium was replaced with an 386sx-16 last weekend.
...the Human Resources Dept requested an update of my arrest record.
...the Boss asked if I still had a copy of my 5 year contract.
...I noticed co-workers measuring my office when I arrived at work.
...my parking spot was relocated next to the dumpster.
...my secretary says things like "Get the phone, my nails aren't dry."
...three people began helping me write a "desk manual" for my job.
...the LAN suddenly began backing-up my computer every 10 minutes.
...a large paper recycling box was placed next to my file cabinets.
Forum whore
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.
It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where's the money?
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido where's the money?.
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about" The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him.." Guido signs back, "OK.!!!! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
You don't get to be an old dog without learning a few tricks.
Shorai Powersports batteries are very trick!
Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
As I looked down at my son in his coffin, I thought, 'Why can't the little Emo cunt sleep in a bed like normal teenagers?'
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
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