Friday jokes

[Swoop]

A kid gave his teacher a blank piece of paper.
Teacher: What is this?
Kid: It's a drawing of a cow eating grass.
Teacher: (looked at the paper) Where's the grass?
Kid: The cow ate all of it.
...Teacher: (looked at the paper again)Then, where's the cow?
Kid: It left because there was no more grass.

[DMNTD:Me]

A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops. "What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So, she does.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, that's a real talent you are wasting you could be famous, why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

[Smifffy]

I asked a friend's daughter what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be Prime Minister some day. Both her parents, Labour supporters, were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were Prime Minister what would be the first thing you would do?"

She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people."

Her parents beamed, and said, "Welcome to the Labour Party!"

"Wow...what a worthy goal!" I told her.

I continued, "But you don't have to wait until you're Prime Minister to do that. You can come over to my house, mow the lawn, pull up the weeds, sweep my drive and I'll pay you $35.

Then I'll take you over to the shop where the homeless bloke sits outside. You can give him the $35 to use toward food."

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless bloke come over and do the work and you can just pay him the $35?"

I smiled and said, "Welcome to the National Party."

Her parents still aren't speaking to me............

[Swoop]

Why are hurricanes and cyclones always given non threatening names, like Wilma and George?

Surely, 'hurricane run like fuck' or 'cyclone bastard' would be more appropriate?







Calling out your ex-girlfriend's name during sex is a nice way to show your current girlfriend that you won't forget her either after you leave her!

[Usarka]

Man went to the zoo. It only had one dog.

It was a Chitzu!

[Swoop]

Dear 2010,
So, I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!
Sincerely, 1985


Dear J.K. Rowling,
Your books are entirely unrealistic. I mean, a ginger kid with two friends? Come on now.
Sincerely, Anonymous.


Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say "I don't know, let's Yahoo it!" Just sayin'...
Sincerely, Google


Dear Skin-Colored Band Aids:
Please make one for every skin color.
Sincerely, Black people


Dear America,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely, Canada


Dear Asians,
At least wear name tags or something...
Sincerely, The Rest Of The World


Dear Michael Jackson,
You really should have become a Catholic Priest. The pay isn't great, but the benefits....
Sincerely, The Pope


Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about global warming. Karma's a bitch.
Sincerely, The Titanic


Dear jf;ldsfa/kvsmmklnn,
Please lknvfdmv.xvn.
Sincerely, Stevie Wonder


Dear Nickleback,
That's enough.
Sincerely, The World


Dear Scissors,
I feel your pain.....no one wants to run with me either.
Sincerely, Sarah Palin


Dear Mary,
Just admit that you slept with someone else. This is getting out of hand.
Sincerely, Joseph


Dear Osama Bin Laden,
Marco....
Sincerely, United States

Dear Nazis,
You did what?!?!?! I said I hate JUICE!!
Sincerely, Adolph Hitler


Dear World of Warcraft,
Thank you for ensuring my son's virginity.
Sincerely, Parents Everywhere


Dear Anne Frank,
Two can play this game....
Sincerely, Waldo


Dear Batman,
What was your power again?
Sincerely, Superman


Dear Customers,
Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.
Sincerely, Nail Salon Ladies


Dear Americans,
I'm sorry, did you just insult us? I couldn't hear you over my health care benefits.
Sincerely, Canadians


Dear Global Warming,
You're the best imaginary friend ever!
Sincerely, Al Gore


Dear Santa,
How did you get away with the kids sitting on your lap trick?
Sincerely, Michael Jackson


Dear Ugly People,
You're welcome.
Sincerely, Alcohol


Dear Mr. Gump
WTF are you talking about? There's a little diagram on the lid that tells you EXACTLY what you're gonna get....
Sincerely, Jenny


Dear Katy Perry,
I liked the kiss too.
Sincerely, Justin Beiber


Dear Haiti,
Is it too early to ask what's shakin'?
Sincerely, Seriously Going To Hell


Dear Martin Luther King Jr.
I have a dream within a dream within a dream within another dream.... What now?
Sincerely, Leonardo DiCaprio


Dear World,
Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars end there because some Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy ok?
Sincerely, The Mayans


Dear Snooki,
GET BACK TO WORK!
Sincerely, Willy Wonka


Dear White People,
Don't you just hate immigrants?
Sincerely, Native Americans


Dear Twihards,
If he sparkles, he's probably one of ours
Sincerely, Gay Men Of America


Dear iPhone,
Please stop spellchecking all of my rude words into nice words. You piece of shut.
Sincerely, Every iPhone User


Dear Giant Spider On The Wall,
Please die. Please die. Please die. Please die. CRAP! Where did you go?
Sincerely, Terrified


Dear Trash,
At least you get picked up...
Sincerely, The Girls of South Auckland.


Dear Man,
It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?
Sincerely, Elephant


Dear Dr. Phil,
Look man, there's only room for one fake doctor in this world and I was here first.
Sincerely, Dr. Pepper


Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely, Unicorns


Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection. Enjoy fantasizing about that.

Sincerely, Logic


Dear Boyfriend,
I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can.
Sincerely, Spiders


Dear Windshield Wipers,
Can't touch this.
Sincerely, That Little Triangle


Dear Soccer Fans,
B B B B B B Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z!
Sincerely, Vuvuzelas


Dear Santa,
Please tell me how you managed to stop at three Ho'. s
Sincerely, Tiger Woods

Dear Toaster,
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn?
Sincerely, Toast

Dear Romeo,
My death isn't the only thing I've been faking...
Sincerely, Juliet

[one fast tl1ooo]

Subject: Blonde on a horse
>A blonde tries to go horseback riding even though she has had no
lessons or prior experience.

>>> > >
>>> > >She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse, immediately springs
>>> > >
>>> > >into action.
>>> > >
>>> > >It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to
>>> > >
>>> > >lose her grip and starts to slide in the saddle.
>>> > >
>>> > >In terror, she grabs for the mane but can't seem to get a firm grip.
>>> > >
>>> > >She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides
>>> > >
>>> > >down the side of the horse anyway.
>>> > >
>>> > >The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to it's slipping rider.
>>> > >
>>> > >Unfortunately, the blondes foot has become entangled in the stirrup.
>>> > >
>>> > >She is now at the mercy of the hooves as her head is struck against
>>> > >
>>> > >the ground over and over again.
>>> > >
>>> > >As her head is battered against the ground she is moments away from
>>> > >
>>> > >losing consciousness when, to her great fortune, the Woolworths
>>> > >
>>> > >manager sees her and unplugs the horse.

[one fast tl1ooo]

My Dog

I went down to Work and Income this morning to sign up my Dog.
The woman said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw benefit". I explained to her that my Dog is black, unemployed, idle, can't speak English and has no clue who his dad is. She looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.

He gets his first cheque on Friday.

Damn this is a great country.

[Swoop]

I have CDO, which is like OCD but the letters are in alphabetical order.

[crazyhorse]

One dark night in the small town of Woopwoop, W.A, a fire
started inside the local sausage factory. In a blink the building was engulfed in
flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.


When the first volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the
sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, 'All of our secret
sausage recipes are in the vault in the center of the plant. They have to
be saved, so I will donate $50,000 to the fire company that brings them
out and delivers them to me.'


But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire
departments had to be called in because the situation became desperate.
As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer to
extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000 to the fire department
that could save them.

Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck
came into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Baringa
volunteer fire department composed mainly of Aboriginal firefighters over the age
of 65.


To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by
these Aboriginal firefighters, passed the fire engines parked outside
the plant, and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside,
the other firemen watched in amazement as the Aboriginal old timers jumped
off and began to fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their own
lives.. Within a short time, the Baringa old timers had extinguished
the fire and saved the secret recipes.


The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such
a superhuman accomplishment he was raising the reward to $200,000, and
walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Aboriginal
firefighters.


A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The 'on
camera reporter asked the Aboriginal fire chief, 'What are you going to do
with all that money?'
'Well,' said Chief Billy Cokebottle, the 70-year-old fire chief, 'de
furst ting we gonnna do is fix dem brakes on dat bloody fire truck!!'

[Swoop]

Who named Trojan condoms?

The Trojan horse entered through the city gates, broke open and loads of little guys came out and fucked everyone's day up.

Doesn't fill me with confidence!

[crazyhorse]

While suturing up a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand had been caught in the gate while working his cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Hone Hawariwa and how he got to be an MP.
The old farmer said, "Well, ya know, Hone is just a Post Tortoise."

Now not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked,

What's a "Post Tortoise?"

The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a Tortoise balanced on top, that's a post Tortoise."

The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he sure as hell isn't goin' anywhere, and you just wonder what kind of dumb bastard put him there in the first place."

[Banditbandit]

During the recent Brisbane flood, a young girl was perched on top of a house with a little boy. As they sat watching things float by in the water, they noticed an old hat go past.

Suddenly, the hat turned and came back, then turned around and went downstream. After it had gone some distance, again it turned and came back. They watched as it did this a number of times.

"Do you see that hat?" said the girl in amazement. "First it goes downstream, then turns around and comes back, then it goes back downstream and then it comes back again."

"Oh, don't worry............... it's only my dad," replied the boy. "This morning my Mum said that come hell or high water, he had to mow the lawn today."

[Swoop]

Some USB devices...

[Banditbandit]

An Irishman, is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk shouts, 'Yes, oi am.'

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'

The drunk replies, 'No, oi haven't found Jesus.'

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus me brother?'

The drunk again answers, 'No, oi I haven't found Jesus.'

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found Jesus yet.?'


Are you ready for this?



The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, 'Are ya sure dis is where he fell in?'