Friday jokes

[crazyhorse]

Mums in group therapy

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young Mothers and their small children.

You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third Mom, Kathy: 'Your obsession is alcohol.
This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered,
'Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Lets pick Willy up from school and go home.

[crazyhorse]

The Male Cycle



When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.

[Swoop]

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Sí."
"Ja."

[Hinny]

A man is sitting at home, with his wife, on the verandah, drinking a beer.
He says, "I Love you",
She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking"?
He replies, "It's me talking, to the beer".

[Swoop]

If you watch Mr. Bean without the laugh track it's a very moving drama about a man with severe learning difficulties who struggles to cope with simple everyday tasks.

[Swoop]

What's annoying as fuck and builds dams?


Justin beaver.

[yachtie10]

Had to laugh at this

[crazyhorse]

CONFUCIUS DIDN'T SAY


Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tyred, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Finally CONFUCIUS SAY. .. .

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"

[Usarka]

What happened to Gentle Annie?

Kelvinator.

[Swoop]

It must be weird for Prince Harry going to his brothers stag do. Sitting next to him while they both tuck pictures of their nan into the strippers thong.

[Swoop]

My mother always told me that a good man is hard to find.

By that logic Bin Laden is the finest man to have ever lived!





A Muslim kid lost his mum in the supermarket. The manager asked him what she looked like. The kid said "Fucked if I know".

[Swoop]

I can't help but think that if Jesus had smartened himself up for the trial, things could have turned out differently.

[Laava]

A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen." "That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?" "No," she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore I chose "Carmen". "What's your name?" she asked. He answered "B.J. Titsengolf."

[Laava]

INTERNATIONAL TERRORIST THREAT LEVEL RESPONSES

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats, and have therefore raised their security level from 'Miffed' to 'Peeved'. Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to 'Irritated' or even 'A Bit Cross'. The English have not been 'A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from 'Tiresome' to 'A Bloody Nuisance'. The last time the British issued a 'Bloody Nuisance' warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from '****ed Off' to 'Let's get the Bastards'. They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from 'Run' to 'Hide'. The only two higher levels in France are 'Collaborate' and 'Surrender'. The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from 'Shout Loudly and Excitedly' to 'Elaborate Military Posturing'. Two more levels remain: 'Ineffective Combat Operations' and 'Change Sides'.

The Germans have increased their alert state from 'Disdainful Arrogance' to 'Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs'. They also have two higher levels: 'Invade a Neighbor' and 'Lose'.

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual. The only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile, and as usual, are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies 'just in case'.

Canada doesn't have any alert levels.

New Zealand has raised its security levels - from 'baaa' to 'BAAAA'. Due to continuing defense cutbacks, New Zealand has only one more level of escalation, which is 'I hope Australia will come and rescue us'.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from 'No worries' to 'She'll be right, mate'. Three more escalation levels remain 'Crikey!', 'I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend', and 'The barbie is cancelled'. So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation levels.

[Laava]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.

As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking ever more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wipe your nose and then shudder violently. Are you OK?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. " I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded, "Pepper."