Friday jokes

[crazyhorse]

An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company. So, off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched.
None
of the pets seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.

He whispered, I'M SO LONELY, TOO . BUY ME AND TAKE ME HOME. YOU WON 'T EVER BE SORRY.

The old lady figured, what the heck! She hadn't found anything else. So, she bought the frog. She placed him in the car, on the front seat beside her. As she was slowly driving down the road, the frog whispered to her KISS ME AND YOU WON 'T BE SORRY!

So! The old lady figured, WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.

IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, young, handsome prince.

THE PRINCE THEN RETURNED THE OLD LADY'S KISS.

SUDDENLY THE OLD LADY FELT HERSELF TRANSFORMING FROM HIS KISS. NOW CAN
YOU
GUESS WHAT THE OLD LADY TURNED INTO?


COME ON GUESS!



*

*

*

*

*

*


SHE TURNED INTO THE FIRST HOLIDAY INN SHE COULD FIND!!

She's old..... NOT DEAD!!!


OLD LADIES ROCK

[crazyhorse]

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients

and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much

he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt

and sense of betrayal were overwhelming.

But every now and then he'd hear an internal

reassuring voice in his head that said:

"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first

medical practitioner to sleep with one of their
patients and you won't be the last.

And you're single. Just let it go."

But invariably another voice in his head

would bring him back to reality.

Whispering......
Dave............


Dave .............


Dave........


Dave........


.......... you're a vet.

[Bounce001]

A husband and wife were driving in the car in silence following a huge argument. As they drive through the country side, they pass a paddock full of pigs.

The husband turns and looks at his wife and says, "Relatives of yours are they?" pointing to the pigs.

"Yes", the wife replies. "In-laws".

[HenryDorsetCase]

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0L1hD5OlPtw[/youtube]

power rangers dance to "Little Green Bag"

[Stirts]

It's not Friday yet people!!!

[crazyhorse]

It's not Friday yet people!!!

no its not, but only 7 hours and 20 minutes to go......

[Stirts]

no its not, but only 7 hours and 20 minutes to go......

Well in 7 hours and 17 minutes you can post in this thread Fecking tease!!

[crazyhorse]

Well in 7 hours and 17 minutes you can post in this thread Fecking tease!!

Ok, but just to keep things going, heres another one

Boy walks in on dad fucking mum.
Dad winks and keeps going.
Next day, dad walks in on boy fucking grandma.
The boy winks and says
"not so funny when its your mum aye!"

[Bass]

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless knickers in a bid to spice up her sex life...
She puts them on with a short skirt and sits on the lounge settee opposite her husband..
At strategic moments she crosses her legs till she gets her husbands attention....
"Are you wearing crotchless knickers" he asks....
"Y-e-s " she answers with a seductive smile...
"Thank Christ for that " he says "I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa"................

[Swoop]

I've written the funniest joke ever about Bono's death. The only problem is that it makes no sense at the moment because the cunt is still alive.

I'm quite prepared to bide my time for a few decades until his life comes to a natural end, but if anyone wants to hear the joke now, and it really is the funniest joke ever, you know what you have to do....




A bloke and a woman are in a car in the middle of nowhere. Just as they are about to have sex, the woman says "look, I'm a prostitute, and it's going to cost you $50-". Reluctantly, the guy pays. After the sex, the guy just sits, smoking a cigartette. The prostitute asks, "why aren't you driving"? The guy says, "I forgot to tell you, I'm a taxi driver, and it's going to cost you $90- to get back into town".

[crazyhorse]

It was time for Father John's
Saturday night bath and the
Young nun, Sister Magdalene,
Had prepared the bath water
And towels just the way the
Old nun had instructed.

Sister Magdalene was also
Instructed not to look at Father
John's nakedness if she could
Help it, do whatever he told her
To do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun
Asked Sister Magdalene how the
Saturday night bath had gone.

'Oh, sister,' said the young nun�
Dreamily, 'I've been saved.'
'Saved? And how did that come
About?' asked the old nun.
'Well, when Father John was
Soaking in the tub, he asked me
To wash him, and while I was
Washing him he guided my hand
Down between his legs where he
Said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.'
'Did he now?' said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued,
'And Father John said that if the Key
To Heaven fit my lock, the portals
Of Heaven would be opened to me
And I would be assured salvation
And eternal peace. And then Father
John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.'
'Is that a fact?' said the old nun even more evenly.
'At first it hurt terribly, but Father
John said the pathway to salvation
Was often painful and that the glory
Of God would soon swell my heart
With ecstasy. And it did, it felt so
Good being saved.'
'That wicked old bastard, said the
Old nun. 'He told me it was Gabriel's Horn,
And I've been blowing it for 40 years!

[MSTRS:Me]

Kids know far too much these days. This morning whilst in the doctors waiting room, I saw a little girl playing with her Barbie & Ken dolls imitating the doggy position. I bent down and told her, "You'll end up with little baby dolls if you keep doing that". She replied, "I don't think so. He's doing her up the arse!"

[MSTRS:Me]

An Englishman's wife steps up to the first tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any," she replied.The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers! Why not?" "I can't afford any on the money you give me" she protests. He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's a 10. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. "Sweet Mudder, Maggie! Where the fook are yer drawers?" She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any!" The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says "Well, fer the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."

[<G>]

A farmer buys several sheep hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant and phones the vet for help.
The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn’t have the slightest idea what this means but not wanting to display his ignorance only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.
The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.
The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.
So he loads the sheep onto his Land Rover and drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them home and goes to bed.
Next morning he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are still standing around he deduces that the first try didn’t take and loads them into the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed exhausted.
Next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. “Try again” he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drives out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home he falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.
“No”, she says, “they’re all in the Land Rover and one of them is beeping the horn”.

[crazyhorse]

A priest decided to
do something a little different.
He said
'Today, in church, I am going
to say a single word
and you are going to
help me preach.
Whatever single word I say,
I want you to sing whatever
hymn that comes to your mind --
the pastor shouted out
'CROSS.'

Immediately
the congregation started singing in unison,
'THE OLD RUGGED CROSS.'

The pastor hollered out 'GRACE.' The congregation began
to sing 'AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound.'

The pastor said 'POWER.'
The congregation sang 'THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD.'

The Pastor said 'SEX'
The congregation fell into total silence.

Everyone was in shock.
They all nervously began to look around at each other
afraid to say anything.

Then all of a sudden,
way from in the back of the church,
a little old 87 year old grandmother
stood up and began to sing
'MEMORIES.'