Friday jokes

[Swoop]

My wife rang me on my mobile today and said, "Where the hell are you?"

"Can you remember that jewellery shop we looked in on Saturday?" I asked. "The one that had those earrings you really liked in the window."

"Yes," she said, in a much more cheerful tone.

"Well, I'm in the pub next door."








The lady of the house was just sitting down to eat at a large dinner party when she accidentally breaks wind, she turns to the butler and says "Jeeves! Stop that"

the butler replies "Certainly Ma'am, which way did it go?".

[Swoop]

I've just emailed "This is a robbery!" to my online bank support.

Will they just put the money in my account or do I have to wait for an email back?

[Swoop]

Last night I came out of a nightclub and was approached by a Thai woman.

She gave me a cheeky wink and said, "Blowjob, $40?"

I said, "Yeah alright" and lead her into the alley.

I soon realised my mistake when she handed me two $20 notes and started pulling up her skirt.

[Hinny]

God visited a man and told him he must give up smoking, drinking and sex
If he wants to get into heaven.....
The man said he would try his best.
God visited the man a week later to see how he was getting on.
"Not bad" said the man, "I've given up smoking and drinking but when the
Wife bent over the lounge suite
And I caught sight of her long slender legs, I pull her skirt up,
Pulled her knickers to one side
And made love to her right then and there. ".
"They don't like that in heaven", said God...
The man replied "They're not too happy about it in Harvey Norman either!"

[crazyhorse]

TAX TIME


A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."

He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks "What's your occupation ?"

"I'm a prostitute" she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says "Let's try to rephrase that.."

The woman says "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute;

then the woman says "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute ?"

"Well, I managed to raise a thousand little cocks last year."


"Chicken Farmer it is."

[Laava]

God visited a man and told him he must give up smoking, drinking and sex
If he wants to get into heaven.....
The man said he would try his best.
God visited the man a week later to see how he was getting on.
"Not bad" said the man, "I've given up smoking and drinking but when the
Wife bent over the lounge suite
And I caught sight of her long slender legs, I pull her skirt up,
Pulled her knickers to one side
And made love to her right then and there. ".
"They don't like that in heaven", said God...
The man replied "They're not too happy about it in Harvey Norman either!"

Nice one!............

[Stirts]

These Germans think they've got it bad?

I've got to explain how I got E.coli up my arse.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Patients with E.Coli are being treated with laughing gas. Its all shits and giggles

[Stirts]

ATD - At the Doctor's

BFF - Best Friends Funeral

BTW - Bring the Wheelchair

CBM - Covered by Medicare

CUATSC - See You at the Senior Centre

DWI - Driving While Incontinent

FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers

FWIW - Forgot Where I Was

FYI - Found Your Insulin

GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

GHA - Got Heartburn Again

HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement

IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?

LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out

OMMR - On My Massage Recliner

OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas

ROFL...CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!

TTYL - Talk to You Louder

WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?

WTFA - Wet the Furniture Again

WTP - Where's the Prunes

WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil

GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kickin in!

[YellowDog]

A lawyer died. At the same moment, the Pope also died. They arrived at the gates of heaven at the same moment. They spend the day in orientation, and as they're getting their heavenly vestments, the Pope gets a plain white toga and wings, like everyone else, and the lawyer gets much finer apparel, made of gold thread, and Gucci shoes.

Then, they get to see where they're going to live. The Pope gets what everyone else gets, a replica of a Holiday Inn room, and the lawyer gets an 18-room mansion with servants and a swimming pool.

At dinnertime, the Pope receives the standard meal, a kosher TV dinner, but the lawyer receives a five-course meal including caviar, prime rib and chocolate truffles.

By this time, the lawyer is beginning to suspect that an error has been made, so he asks one of the angels in charge,

"Has there been some kind of mistake? This guy was the Pope, and he gets what everyone else gets, and I'm just a lawyer and I'm getting the finest of everything?"

The angel replied, "No mistake, sir. We've had lots of Popes here, but you're the first lawyer we've ever had."

[crazyhorse]

The 1st Affair:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."

"You lying bastard!

You've been playing golf!"






The 2nd Affair:

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"






The 3rd Affair:

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

"I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"






The 4th Affair:

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue." she replied.. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a bloody thing."






The 5th Affair:

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."

"One Cent?" the man thought.

He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied,

"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."






The 6th Affair:

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to," his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."

[FJRider]

I went to visit a mate of mine last night ... they had a new baby. His wife asked me if I wanted to wind it ... I thought that a bit harsh, so I just gave it a dead-leg instead ...

[Swoop]

During some excavation work, a team of Israeli archaeologists discovered a previously undetected cave. They were very excited because the following five symbols were carved on one wall of the cave:

A woman
A donkey
A shovel
A fish
A Star of David

The archaeologists declared this a unique find. The carvings were thought to be at least three thousand years old. They carefully cut out the piece of stone holding the symbols and sent it in to the Tel Aviv Museum. Soon, archaeologists from all over the world were invited to discuss the meaning of the markings.

The chairman opened the meeting by pointing to the first symbol and saying:

"We can judge from the first symbol that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell that they were smart enough to train donkeys to help them till the soil. The shovel symbol means they had tools to work with. Their intelligence is highlighted by the fish, which means that when their crops failed, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol means they were evidently Hebrew."

The audience applauded enthusiastically. Suddenly, a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said,

"Idiots! Hebrew is read from right to left. This is what it says: 'Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on that Woman.' "

[Swoop]

I've had a productive week, got a new kidney and managed to get rid of a faulty iPad.

[Swoop]

Leonardo Di Caprio didnt die in the Titanic. They just showed him go underwater. In inception he wakes up on a beach.

It's like a movie within a movie.







I got kicked out of the Whitcoulls today. Apparently I wasn't allowed to move Kate McCann's book into the murder mystery section.

[Swoop]

You can look at some people and instantly know they're only going to get two awards in life.

A birth and a death certificate.