My son asked me today "What's the difference between a crow and a blackbird?" I told him crows have somewhat heavier beaks and fan shaped tails whereas a blackbird has big rubbery lips, fuzzy hair and a massive arse.
The instructions are simple...
My son asked me today "What's the difference between a crow and a blackbird?" I told him crows have somewhat heavier beaks and fan shaped tails whereas a blackbird has big rubbery lips, fuzzy hair and a massive arse.
Do you realise how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?
Bevelhead Dinosaur
Planning to get a tattoo of a yeti on my stomach, it'll be my Abdominal Snowman
=mjc=
.
Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
I used to supply Filofaxes to the Mafia. It was very organised crime.
Don't be racist - be like Mario!
He's an Italian plumber, created by the Japs, who speaks English, runs like a Jamaican, jumps like an African-American, and collects coins like a Jew.
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
Bevelhead Dinosaur
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar, one says, I think I've lost an electron! the second says "are you sure?" the first responds, "yes! I'm positive!"
A sql query walks into a bar, saunters up to a couple of tables and says " May I join you?"
There are 10 types of people in this world, those that understand binary and those that don't.
Two strings walk into a bar, the first walks up to the bartender and says "I'll have a gin and tonic@#$@#$@ihoenaoekdaoea" the second says "Excuse my friend, he's not null terminated"
Artificial intelligence is no match, for natural stupidity!
Got a new computer the other day, said "Requires windows vista or better" so I installed linux.
My computer beat me at chess the other day, its still no match for me at kickboxing though!
The difference between e-mail and regular mail is that computers handle e-mail, and computers never decide to come to work one day and shoot all the other computers
Remember folks, RAM disk is NOT an instruction!!!
=mjc=
.
Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
If you're ever in Africa and come face to face with a lion, take one step sideways and then one step back.
Repeating this process lets you move obliquely away from the lion...
and prevents you from standing in your own shit.
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
I bet Jehovah's Witnesses have some good "knock knock" jokes...
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
Dickens Cider
Dam Busters dog to be renamed for movie remake:
As The N-Word is deemed inappropriate for modern audiences...
The Dog will be renamed Black Cunt instead.
No body move... I dropped my brain
Dickens Cider
Why are there no Jehovah's witnesses in heaven?
Because God and Saint Peter are behind the gates saying, "Sssshhhhhh! pretend we are not in!!"
No body move... I dropped my brain
Missing my buddy Morepower
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
"You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!"
Missing my buddy Morepower
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
"I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"
Missing my buddy Morepower
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue." she replied.. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a bloody thing."
Missing my buddy Morepower
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man thought.
He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied,
"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
111000101000100010011110
Bit of a repost there crazyhorse, in fact you posted the same stuff on the previous page, not quite two weeks ago
"A shark on whiskey is mighty risky, but a shark on beer is a beer engineer" - Tad Ghostal
Dickens Cider
That's just crazy
No body move... I dropped my brain
Grumpy Old Bastard
Hmmmm...memory a bit flaky crazyhorse..? I thought I was the only one with that problem hereabouts...Originally Posted by bogan
Bit of a repost there crazyhorse, in fact you posted the same stuff on the previous page, not quite two weeks ago
. “No pleasure is worth giving up for two more years in a rest home.” Kingsley Amis
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