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Thread: Friday jokes

  1. #61
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    Never Assume

    A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.

    Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. one of them was
    washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response
    on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and
    sure enough, there was definite movement.

    They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling
    him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little '0ral sex' will do the
    trick & bring her out of the coma.'

    The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they
    would close the curtains for privacy.... The husband finally agreed
    and went into his wife's room.

    After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse,
    no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?'
    they cried.
    The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'

    NEVER ASSUME THAT MEN UNDERSTAND.

  2. #62
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    Darren marries the girl of his dreams, and they go on their honeymoon. On their first night, Darren leaves the hotel room to get a pack of cigarettes in the lobby. When he gets back, his bride is lying on the bed naked fucking one of the bellhops. Another one is under her, pumping her in the ass. She’s sucking off the desk clerk, and she’s jerking off a cab driver and the dishwasher at the same time. Darren screams, “What the fuck are all these jerk-offs doing in here?” She says, “Well, you always knew I was a flirt.”
    WISDOM IS KNOWING KARMA REALLY CAN'T GET YOU.

    SPEED KILLS, BUT YOU GET THERE FASTER

    DILLIGAF = Does it look like I give a FUCK - Hell no!

  3. #63
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    Right in the middle of lovemaking, the husband dies of a heart attack. As the funeral arrangements are being made, the mortician informs the widow that he cannot get rid of her dead husband’s rigor mortis hard-on which is sticking straight up in the air and if they don’t do something, it will look odd in the coffin at the funeral.

    The widow tells the guy to cut it off and stick it up her dear departed’s asshole. The mortician can’t believe his ears but the widow is adamant, so he proceeds. During the funeral, friends and relatives of the dead man were concerned to see a tear in the corner of his eye, but the widow assured them that there was no cause to be alarmed.

    Just before the casket is closed, the widow leans in and whispers in the dead man’s ear, “It HURTS, doesn’t it?”
    WISDOM IS KNOWING KARMA REALLY CAN'T GET YOU.

    SPEED KILLS, BUT YOU GET THERE FASTER

    DILLIGAF = Does it look like I give a FUCK - Hell no!

  4. #64
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    a woman walks into a bar, sits down and orders 10 bourbon and cokes.

    one after another, she downs them, passes out, and falls off the stool.

    the barman, unable to pass up the opportunity, takes her to the dunnys and screws her. he then gets the bouncers, the waiters, and the managers, and they screw her too. they then bundle her into a taxi and send her home.

    the next nite, the woman comes back in and orders 10 bourbon and cokes.

    one after another, she downs them, passes out, and falls off the stool.

    the barman, unable to pass up the opportunity, takes her to the dunnys and screws her. he then gets the bouncers, the waiters, and the managers, and they screw her too. they then bundle her into a taxi and send her home.

    the next nite, the woman comes back in and orders 10 vodka and oranges.

    the barman says "hang on, i thought u drank bourbon and coke?"

    she replies "yea, i did, but it makes my pussy sore!"
    Quote Originally Posted by James Deuce View Post
    Don't argue with the pigs, man. They'll tap your phones and steal your weed and make your old lady do things she won't do for you.
    Quote Originally Posted by Hitcher View Post
    Sexually transmitted diseases are one thing, sexually affected carnage is something else entirely. Ladies, if his cock's that small that he's prepared to put you at risk for a root, look elsewhere. Seriously.

  5. #65
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    A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes and bows in prayer.

    His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."

    The man then replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
    WISDOM IS KNOWING KARMA REALLY CAN'T GET YOU.

    SPEED KILLS, BUT YOU GET THERE FASTER

    DILLIGAF = Does it look like I give a FUCK - Hell no!

  6. #66
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    Why do blokes refer to getting their cock sucked as a blowjob?

    Because women will always do the exact opposite of what you tell them.




    So it turns out the G7 has wiped Haiti's debt.

    I can't be the only one who's thinking 'insurance scam' ...
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  7. #67
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    A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the
    Boy asks,
    'What are these, Dad?'
    To which the man matter-of-factly replies,
    'Those are called condoms, son.
    Men use them to have safe sex.''
    Oh I see,' replied the boy.' Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school.'
    He looks over the display and picks up a Package of 3 and asks,
    'Why are there 3 in this package?'
    The dad replies,
    'Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one For Sunday.
    'Cool' says the boy.
    He notices a 6 pack and asks,
    'Then who are these for?'
    Those are for college men,' the dad answers,
    'TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday and TWO for Sunday.'
    'WOW!' exclaimed the boy,
    'then who uses THESE?'
    he asks, picking up a 12 Pack.
    With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,
    'Those are for Married men. One for January, one for February, one for March........'

  8. #68
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    25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER

    1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
    "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

    2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
    "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

    3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
    "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

    4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
    " Because I said so, that's why."

    5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
    "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.."

    6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
    "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

    7. My mother taught me IRONY
    "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

    8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
    "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

    9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
    "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

    10. My mother taught me about STAMINA..
    "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

    11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
    "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

    12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
    "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

    13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
    "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

    14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
    "Stop acting like your father!"

    15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
    "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

    16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
    "Just wait until we get home."

    17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
    "You are going to get it when you get home!"

    18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE..
    "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

    19. My mother taught me ESP.
    "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

    20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
    "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

    21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
    "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

    22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
    "You're just like your father."

    23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
    "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

    24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
    "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

    25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE
    "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.

  9. #69
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    The Maori alphabet....
    acc, dpb, kfc, and db, tab, dic, winz.....
    now I know my abc I want to claim the whole country

  10. #70
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    Blog Entries
    1
    A man and his wife go on a second honeymoon to the same hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

    The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f
    Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

    He replied, "I was thinking, it looks as if I did a pretty good job."
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50



    Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer
    After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks.

    Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
    After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each sack.

    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Doctor’s Office
    There’s nothing worse than a snotty doctor’s receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this guy handled it.

    A 61 year old man walked into a crowded doctor’s office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said,
    - "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

    - "There’s something wrong with my dick," he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said,

    - "You shouldn’t come into a crowded office and say things like that."

    - "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

    The receptionist replied,
    - "You’ve obviously caused some embarrassment in this roomful of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

    The man replied,
    - "Well you shouldn’t ask people things in a room full of others if the answer could embarrass anyone."

    The man walked out, waited several minutes and then reentered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked,
    - "Yes?"

    - "There’s something wrong with my ear," he stated.

    The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.

    - "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

    - "I can’t piss out of it," the man replied.

    The doctor’s office erupted in laughter.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems. "Can you describe the symptoms to me ?" asked the doctor. "Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair."
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Ode to the Spell Checker!

    Eye halve a spelling checker
    It came with my pea sea
    It plainly marcs four my revue
    Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

    Eye strike a key and type a word
    And weight four it two say
    Weather eye am wrong oar write
    It shows me strait a weigh.

    As soon as a mist ache is maid
    It nose bee fore two long
    And eye can put the error rite
    Its rare lea ever wrong.

    Eye have run this poem threw it
    I am shore your pleased two no
    Its letter perfect awl the weigh
    My checker tolled me sew.
    __________________
    FARM KID in the ARMY

    Dear Ma and Pa,

    I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Army beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

    I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

    Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

    We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

    The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

    This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges They come in boxes.

    Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once.. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.

    Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

    Your loving daughter,

    Alice.
    Only a Rat can win a Rat Race!

  11. #71
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    A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.

    She finally overtook him at the checkout, And she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

    He answered, "That's okay."

    "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, It would make me feel so happy."

    She then went through the checkout, And as she was on her way out of the store, The man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."
    The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.

    Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine Into someone's day, he went to pay for his Groceries.

    "That comes to $121.85," said the clerk...

    "How come so much ... I only bought 5 items.."

    The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said
    You'd be paying for her things, too."

  12. #72
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    APARTMENT for RENT

    A businessman met this beautiful girl, and agreed to spend the night,
    with her, for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left,
    he told her that he did not have any cash with him,
    but he'd have his secretary write a cheque and mail it to her,
    calling the payment 'RENT for APARTMENT.'

    On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done,
    realizing that the whole event hadn't been worth the price.
    So he had his secretary send a cheque for $250,
    and enclose the following typed note:

    'Dear Madam :-

    Enclosed find a cheque for $250 ...
    for rent of your apartment.I am not sending
    the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place,
    I was under the impression that:

    #1 - it had never been occupied;
    #2 - there was plenty of heat; and
    #3 - it was small enough to make me feel at home.

    However, I found out that:

    #1 - it had been previously occupied,
    #2 - there wasn't any heat, and
    #3 - it was entirely too large.'

    Upon receipt of the note
    the girl immediately returned the cheque for $250,
    with the following note:

    'Dear Sir:
    #1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a
    beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
    #2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you
    know how to turn it on.
    #3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of
    regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture
    to fill it, please do not blame the management.

    So, Please send the rent in full, or ..
    we'll be forced to contact your present Landlady.’

  13. #73
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    Bracelet at tiffany's

    [yeah, I know its not Friday!]
    A lady walks into Tiffany's. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts..
    Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little 'whoops' and prays that a sales person wasn't anywhere near. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her and he's good looking as well.
    Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Tiffany's. He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'
    Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'Sir what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'
    He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price ."

  14. #74
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    Confucius Says:

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
    Man who run in
    Front of car get tired.
    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
    Man who run behind
    Car get exhausted.
    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
    Man with one
    Chopstick go hungry.
    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
    Man who scratch butt
    Should not bite fingernails.
    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
    Man who eat many
    Prunes get good run for money.
    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
    War does not
    Determine who is right, war
    determine who is Left.
    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
    Wife who put
    Husband in doghouse soon find
    him in Cathouse.
    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
    Man who drive like
    Hell, bound to get there.
    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
    Man who live in
    Glass house should change clothes
    in Basement.
    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
    Man who fish in
    Other man's well often catch crabs.
    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
    Crowded elevator
    Smell different to midget.
    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
    Person who deletes this has no
    humor!!!
    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
    Now send it to 1
    Or more people.
    Nothing will
    Happen but 1 or more people laughing

  15. #75
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    A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat and sits at the bar. The bartender walks over to them and says, "What can I get for you?"

    The man says "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says, "OK, that will be $3.87."

    The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. About an hour later the bartender goes back over to them and says, "What'll you guys have?"

    The man says, "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." The bartender gets them their beer and says "That'll be $3.87."

    The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. A couple of days later they come back into the bar and the bartender walks over and asks "What do you guys want today?"

    The man says, "I'll have a scotch", the ostrich says, "I'll have a bourbon", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says "OK, that will be $7.53." The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him.

    The bartender's curiosity got the best of him and he asks, "Why is it that every time I tell you the amount you owe you always have the exact change in you pocket?"

    The man said, "I found a bottle with a genie in it and she granted me 3 wishes. My first wish was that I always have the exact change in my pocket for anything I buy."

    The bartender says, "That's a great wish...better than asking for a million dollars. A million dollars will run out but that never will. What were your other 2 wishes?"

    The man says, "That's where I screwed up. I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."
    WISDOM IS KNOWING KARMA REALLY CAN'T GET YOU.

    SPEED KILLS, BUT YOU GET THERE FASTER

    DILLIGAF = Does it look like I give a FUCK - Hell no!

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