I said to my girlfriend the other day, "I've nicknamed your clitoris 'Nemo'."
"Because you find it so hard to find?" she quipped.
"No," I laughed, "because it smells like fish."
Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
I said to my girlfriend the other day, "I've nicknamed your clitoris 'Nemo'."
"Because you find it so hard to find?" she quipped.
"No," I laughed, "because it smells like fish."
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
Missing my buddy Morepower
A redneck was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.
"Twenty dollars", she whispers.
Bubba had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the heck, it's only twenty bucks, so they hide in the bushes.
They're in there for only a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It's a police officer.
"What's going on here people"?, asks the officer.
"I'm making love to my wife", Bubba answers, sounding annoyed.
"Oh, I'm sorry", says the cop, "I didn't know".
Bubba says, "Well, neither did I, till you shined that light in her face".
The instructions are simple...
An Israeli sense of humour at the UN set the record straight. An ingenious example of speech and politics occurred recently in the United Nations Assembly and made the world community smile.
A representative from Israel began "Before beginning my talk I want to tell you something about Moses: When he struck the rock and it brought forth water he thought 'What a good opportunity to have a bath!' Moses removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water. When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had vanished. A Palestinian had stolen them!"
The Palestinian representative at the UN jumped up furiously and shouted "What are you talking about? The Palestinians weren't even there then. The Israeli representative smiled and said "And now that we have made that clear, I will begin my speech..."
Do you realise how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?
Rolling Italian Orchestra
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse..
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:
Dear Mrs. Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking..
2.. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3.. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least:
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
L'arte italiana cammina su due rotelle!
DILLIGAF
A Lawyer And A Senior
A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.
So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.
The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun...."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.
This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"
The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.
He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.
He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
You know you're going to send this one on.
Don't mess with old farts!
WISDOM IS KNOWING KARMA REALLY CAN'T GET YOU.
SPEED KILLS, BUT YOU GET THERE FASTER
DILLIGAF = Does it look like I give a FUCK - Hell no!
Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
The price of owning a faulty Jetpack is going through the roof!
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though my wife reckons it's weird.
I don't see how, I think it makes a great hat!
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
Anarchic Wild Child
A woman from Auckland , who was a tree hugger, Greens supporter, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of bush land near Coromandel.
There was a large Kauri tree on one of the highest points on the block. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree.
As she neared the top she encountered a mynah bird that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.
In considerable pain, she hurried to Thames Hospital to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a Greenie, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"
He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Department of Conservation, Resource Management Act, County Council, Regional Authority and Iwi before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down."
God save NZ !
"So if you meet me, have some sympathy, have some courtesy, have some taste ..."
Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.
After 10 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it.
The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.
Then he decided to look through the window.
He shouted, "Do you think I'm stupid?" " I can see you in there sir, open the door".
I said, "You're not coming in mate!"
He said, "I don't want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car".
Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"
He winked at me and said, "Well, I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
Dickens Cider
Dogs are man's best friend,
Unless of course the man is a Metropolitan Police Officer, then dogs just think your a cunt.
No body move... I dropped my brain
Dickens Cider
Today I watched Cinderella backwards and realised it is about a woman who learns her place.
No body move... I dropped my brain
DILLIGAF
Paddy and Mick are working at the local sawmill.
One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench
saw.
Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the
local hospital.
Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick.
The nurse says, Oh he's out in Rehab exercising'.
Paddy couldn't believe it, but here's Mick out the back exercising his now
re-attached arm.
The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.
A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another
bloody big saw.
So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to
hospital.
Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse
replies, 'He's out in the Rehab again exercising'.
And sure enough, here's Mick out there doing some serious work on the
treadmill.
And very soon Mick comes back to work.
But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs
his head.
Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick
to hospital.
Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down
and cries and says, 'He's dead.'
Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. 'I suppose the saw finally did him
in.'
'No', says the nurse.
'Some dopey bastard put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated'.
SPEED KILLS, BUT YOU GET THERE FASTER
DILLIGAF = Does it look like I give a FUCK - Hell no!
Forum whore
What has 8 legs and a black cunt?
The A-Team.
Forum whore
I tried to get on the bus this morning but the Pakistani driver put his hand up and said "I'm jam-packed full".
I told him I couldn't give a fuck what his name was, but he still wouldn't let me on.
The instructions are simple...
Two gay guys are going to the Zoo in Sydney. They come across a gorilla and notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection. The gay men are fascinated
One of the men just can't bear it any longer, and he reaches into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for two hours non-stop, while the zoo attendants helplessly stand by.
When he's done, the gorilla throws the man out of the cage. An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital.
A few days later, his friend visits him in the hospital and asks, "Are you hurt?"
"AM I HURT?" he shouts "Wouldn't you be...? He hasn't called... he hasn't written... nothing!!"
Do you realise how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?
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