Friday jokes

[Swoop]

My wife asked me to describe her the other day.

I said, "I think you're A B C D E F G H I J K"

She said, "What's that supposed to mean?"

I said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot."

She said, "Oh, that's so sweet. What about the I, J, K part?"

I said, "I'm Just Kidding".






In the news: Significant drop in drink driving deaths. That'll be because people can't afford both alcohol and petrol.

[YellowDog]

My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger!

It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles, that I realised she wanted to rent her spare room out!!

[Swoop]

So I hear Thailand has its first female Prime Minister.

Or has it...?

[Laava]

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, “Dad, why are you doing that?”His father replied, “Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.”Larry, looking worried, said, “Dad, I think the Milkman wants to buy Mom .......

[Laava]

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, “Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!”After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, “Do you think you're stupid, Larry?”“No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself

[Swoop]

Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 12.

One to screw it in,
one to excoriate men for creating the need for illumination,
one to blame men for inventing such a faulty means of illumination,
one to suggest the whole "screwing" bit to be too "rape-like",
one to deconstruct the lightbulb itself as being phallic,
one to blame men for not changing the bulb,
one to blame men for trying to change the bulb instead of letting a woman do it,
one to blame men for creating a society that discourages women from changing light bulbs,
one to blame men for creating a society where women change too many light bulbs,
one to advocate that lightbulb changers should have wage parity with electricians,
one to alert the media that women are now "out-lightbulbing" men,
and one to just sit there taking pictures for her blog for photo-evidence that men are unnecessary.

[Vacquer0]

My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."

Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week.

[mikeey01]

Womens lonely hearts ad
What they really mean:

Adventurous = Likes anal.
Athletic = no tits
30 something = 41+
Fun = Annoying
Wild = Gets pissed easily
Beautiful eyes = Face like a robbers dog
Seeks knight in shining armour = Ex husbands a fucking nutter
New Age = Hairy with a smelly fanny
Headstrong = Argumentative
Enjoys pubs and clubbing = Alcholic
Curvy = Fat
Cuddly = Fatter
Like eating out = Greedy fat cunt
Likes nights in = Lazy fat cunt

[Banditbandit]

A woman was sipping on a glass of wine, while sitting on the patio with her husband.

She says, "I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live without you"

Her husband asks, "Is that you, or the wine talking?"

She replies, "It's me...talking to the wine."

[Swoop]

"Victoriaaaaaaa, i fink i made a mistake luv, it was BLAKES seven i watched as a kid, not Harper"!



Victoria Beckham goes up to David and says: "I've just seen what's in the games room - why have you bought a coffin for me"?
He replies: "That's not your coffin, it's a case for my snooker cue".

[crazyhorse]

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'

'Go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,


> 'Please .... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?

[Vacquer0]

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the
lake.

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't
understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age;
we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the
Capitol.'

'Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one
to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake
the shit out of them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem.
You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish
shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an
asshole and a briefcase.

[oneofsix]

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complains, 'I've been a little sick to my stomach.'

The older doctor says, 'Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?'

As they left, the younger man said, 'You didn't even examine that woman? How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?'

'I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick.'

'Huh,' the younger doctor said. 'Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house.'

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman... She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, 'I'm feeling terribly run down lately.'

'You've probably been doing too much work for the Church,' the younger doctor told her. 'Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.'


As they left, the elder doctor said, 'I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?'

I did what you did at the last house.. I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the vicar under the bed.'

[Banditbandit]

A 2007 study found that the average New Zealander walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that the average New Zealander drinks 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means the average Kiwi gets about 41 miles per gallon.

Bloody good value that!

[Virago]

Victoria Beckham goes up to David and says: "I've just seen what's in the games room - why have you bought a coffin for me"?
He replies: "That's not your coffin, it's a case for my snooker cue".

What's the difference between Victoria Beckham and a counterfeit dollar?

One is a phoney buck...