Friday jokes

**Stirts** · 13th July 2011, 10:32

Petrol prices are going through the roof.
I went into a Petrol Station this morning and asked for $20 worth of gas.
The sales assistant farted and handed me a receipt.

**Swoop** · 13th July 2011, 13:27

I went to the bank today to ask for a loan.

"What do you need the money for sir?"

"It's for a car."

"Oh nice, what are you getting?"

"Just some unleaded."

**Stirts** · 13th July 2011, 13:50

1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance ...

The 5 stages of buying petrol.

**crazyhorse** · 13th July 2011, 15:06

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark
and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with
all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did..

When they were both gorged, the son asked,"Dad, why didn't we
just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around
them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the
shit inside!"

**_Shrek_** · 15th July 2011, 17:34

Hone Harawira was seated next to a little girl on an Air New
Zealand flight. He turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go
quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the MP smiling smugly, "how about global warming,
universal health care, or stimulus packages?"

"OK," she said. "those could be interesting topics, but let me ask you a
question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff: grass. Yet
a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse
produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

Hone looked visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about
it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
global warming, universal health care, or the economy, when you don't know
shit?"

She went back to reading her book.

**crazyhorse** · 16th July 2011, 08:46

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.

"Tarzan not know sex," he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said "Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will
show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.

"Here," she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable
Manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.

Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed,
"What did you do that for?"

Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."

**FJRider** · 16th July 2011, 10:35

Two elderly ladies were sitting on the front porch talking ... One old lady says to the other "do you still get horny ... ???" the other one says ... "oh sure I do." The first says "What do you do about it ... ???" The second says ... "I suck a lifesaver" ... after a few moments the first one asks ... "Who drives you to the beach ... ???"

**crazyhorse** · 16th July 2011, 16:08

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from the Gold Coast when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, 'Are you going to the Gold Coast?'

'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'do you need a lift?'

'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the Gold Coast Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day.

Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble..'

'I'd be happy to,' said the blonde.

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of the Gold Coast when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. 'What the heck are you doing here?' he demanded, 'I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.'

'Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde,' but we had money left over - so now we're going to SeaWorld

**Stirts** · 18th July 2011, 12:27

Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techo-geek.

"Hey, bud, how are ya?"

"I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!"

"Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!

"No way, how could that be?"

"Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right arse cheek, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!"

"Holy shit! You're kidding, right?"

"No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her"

So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"

The guy says, "Fuck! I forgot to tell him her arse is a pencil sharpener!"

**Swoop** · 18th July 2011, 13:26

Women fucking drivers! I was behind one on my way home from work and she indicated to turn left and what does she go and do? She actually turns left!

How am I supposed to prepare myself with these fucking mind games?

**Stirts** · 18th July 2011, 14:32

I tried to set up a website for woman drivers, but it just kept crashing

**Maha** · 18th July 2011, 15:47

Originally Posted by Stirts

I tried to set up a website for woman drivers, but it just kept crashing

..could have been the ''hard drive''?....

**Smokin** · 18th July 2011, 19:33

Last week, she checked into the caravan park in
Bundaberg Queensland in a cabin and was a bit
lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see
advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad
for a guy calling himself Tender Toby - a very handsome
man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo.
He had all the right muscles in all the right places,
thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six
pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a
sixpence off his well oiled bum.... You get the picture.

She figured, what the heck, I'll give him a call.

"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?" .. . . Oh
my, he sounded sooo sexy!

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated and she
rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great
massage, I'd like you to come to my room and give me
one.. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in
town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it
hard, I want it hot, and I want it now.. Bring
implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything
you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and
heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup
and whipped cream, anything and everything, baby. Now
how does that sound?"

He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you
need to press 9 for an outside line."

**_Shrek_** · 18th July 2011, 20:25

Ten Thoughts to Ponder for the Year!

Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions : Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich .

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

Number 6
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 5
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 4
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

Number 3
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Number 2
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

And The Number 1 Thought
- - - as someone recently said to me:
"Don't worry about old age - it doesn't last that long."

**Hinny** · 20th July 2011, 21:23

It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape.
He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow.
The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs"
... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.
Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."