Friday jokes

[DMNTD:Me]

An aeroplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.

The first passenger said, "I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first parachute and left the aircraft.


The second passenger, Hone Harawira, said, "I am the leader of the Mana party in Aotearoa and I am the smartest Maori in New Zealand history, so New Zealand's people don't want me to die." He took the second parachute and jumped out of the aircraft.

The third passenger, Russell Norman, said, "I'm the leader of the NZ Greens and the nation needs my guidance and my boyfriend would miss me." So he grabbed the parachute next to him and jumped

The fourth passenger, ex-PM Jim Bolger, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life, and served my country the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

The little girl said, "That's okay, Mr. Bolger. There's a parachute left for you. NZ’s smartest Maori took my schoolbag!"

[Hinny]

Confusing Genie

A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray and said, "And what will your third wish be?"

The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?"

"You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing; because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left."

"Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I wish I were irresistible to women."

"Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever. "That was your first wish, too!"

[Banditbandit]

Inner Peace:

If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat plain food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
.
.
.
.
.
Then you're probably the Family Dog

[Banditbandit]

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a young woman standing on the railing of a bridge and about to jump off so they stopped.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity so he asked: "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a
kiss?"

So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you're about to waste. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"


"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

[Maha]

Tag: The copy and paste thread.

[avgas]

I tried to set up a website for woman drivers, but it just kept crashing

I tried to set one up for motorcyclists.
They keep blaming the computer for their mistakes.

[YellowDog]

The missus asked if she pleased me in bed?
I said "yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth." . .. . "What trick?" she asked?
"The one where you shut it up and go to sleep!"

[YellowDog]

There was this man sitting at the bar staring at his beer when a large trouble-making young guy steps up next to him, grabs the drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as the man bursts into tears. "Come on, man," the kid says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a grown man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," he says. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a beer with the only spare change I have, drop a cyanide capsule in that my father had as a war memento, and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!

But enough about me, how's your day going?"

[Swoop]

I said to my two-year-old son, "Now, what noise does a cat make?"
"Miaow!"

"Good, but do you know what noise a dog makes?"
"Woof woof!"

"That's right! Now tell me what noise a cow makes?"
"Swoop, if you even think about going out riding to that fucking pub with your mates then you can forget about ever being let back in this house!"
That's my boy!

[Stirts]

Little Johnny is standing on a street corner swatting flies.

Every time he sees a fly he utters, "Fucking flies, fucking flies."

Just as the boy says it a shocked priest walks up and says, "You should not curse the flies because every one of God's creations has a purpose."

Little Johnny, unmoved by the priest's objection says, "Bullshit."

"Well tell me three things on this earth that God has made that have no use," says the priest.

Little Johnny looks at him with a grin and replies, "Tits on a nun, balls on a priest, and these fucking flies.."

[Smifffy]

One day, while going to the shop, I passed by a retirement village. On the front lawn were six old ladies,

Lying naked on the grass.

I thought this was really unusual, but continued on my way.

On my return trip, I passed the same retirement village with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn..

This time my curiosity got the better of me, and I went inside to talk to the retirement village Administrator,

And asked her, "Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?"

Yes,' she said, "aren't they darlings? They're retired prostitutes - they're having a garage sale."

[Swoop]

One day, Satan was out for a walk through Hell, making sure things were running smoothly. When he got to the Lake of Fire, he saw a man sitting by the lake, relaxing in a lawn chair, and not sweating or looking uncomfortable at all. Perplexed, Satan approached the man and asked:

"Young man, are you not hot or bothered by this heat?" The man replied, "Oh no, not at all. I lived in New Zealand and this weather is just like a typical February day." Satan thought that this was not a good sign, so he rushed back to his office and turned up the heat in Hell another 100 degrees. Satisfied with himself, he again returned to the Lake of Fire to check on the young man.

When he got there, the man was showing a few beads of sweat, but that was all. Again Satan asked the Kiwi, "Are you hot and uncomfortable yet?" The young man looked up and said, "No, the temperature is just like a hot March day in the far north. I'm coping it just fine."

Satan decided that he had to do something drastic to make this mans stay in Hell unpleasant. He went back to his office, turned the heat all the way down, and then turned up the air conditioning. The temperature in Hell quickly dropped well below zero. As he approached the Lake of Fire, he noticed that it was now frozen over. He also saw the Kiwi jumping up and down wildly, waving his arms and yelling into the air.

"This looks promising!" thought Satan. Coming closer, he finally made out what the man was shouting: "The All Blacks have won the Rugby World Cup for the second time!".

[_Shrek_]

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided
I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an
emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I
decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally
predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided
that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her She rushed from
one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made
me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but
directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the
ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything
I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I’m back looking for a girl with big tits.

[slofox]

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a little stroll in town one afternoon enjoying the sunshine.
As they walked, they come across a sign: “Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world.” “I am entering!” said Snow White.

After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, “Well, how’d ya go?”

“I won First Place !,” said Snow White.

They continue walking and they see another sign: “Contest for the strongest man in the world.”

“I’m entering,” says Superman.

After half an hour, he returns and they ask him, “How did you make out?”

“I won First Place , too,” answers Superman. “Did you ever have a doubt?”

They continue walking when they see a third sign: “Contest - Who is the greatest liar in the world?”

Pinocchio quickly enters the contest. After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.

“What happened?” they asked.

“Who the hell is Julia Gillard?” asked Pinocchio.

[slofox]

oldie but...godly..











There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.

Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.

Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.

By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.

The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.

All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?

Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing.

I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.

Sincerely,
Edna