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Thread: Friday jokes

  1. #961
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    1st November 2005 - 08:18
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    News that caused a great amount of upset,
    Justin beiber was found alive in his room last night.
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  2. #962
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    17th June 2010 - 16:44
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    A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

    To check it out, she went to the Wall, and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray, and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview..

    "Pardon me Sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

    "Morris Feinberg," he replied.

    "Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall to pray?"

    "For about 60 years."

    "60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

    "I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

    "I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

    "I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."



    "And how do you feel Sir, after doing this for 60 years?"




    "It's like talking to a fucking brick wall."
    "So if you meet me, have some sympathy, have some courtesy, have some taste ..."

  3. #963
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    I don't blame those hoons in north London for going on a looting rampage....

    How else are they supposed to make a living now Amy Winehouse isn't buying skag anymore?
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  4. #964
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    28th August 2005 - 19:37
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    Worlds smallest airport

    Where is the Worlds smallest airport?












    Under a scotsman's kilt:

    2 hangers and a night fighter......
    Suck, Squeeze, Bang, Blow aren’t just the 4 cycles of an engine

  5. #965
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    My Gran said to me, "Young men of today just aren't as polite and charming as they were when I was young."

    I had to explain, "That's because they aren't trying to f#$% you now."
    Keep on chooglin'

  6. #966
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    London joins Amy Winehouse and Norway in the growing list of victims of Rupert Murdoch's "Operation Distraction"...
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  7. #967
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    28th August 2005 - 19:37
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    Adidas

    Says it all really.Click image for larger version. 

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    Suck, Squeeze, Bang, Blow aren’t just the 4 cycles of an engine

  8. #968
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    24th September 2008 - 01:32
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    Just had a fight with my best mate, he caught me sniffing his sisters panties. Might not have been so bad if she wasnt wearing them at athe time.

    Made the rest of the funeral really uncomfortable

  9. #969
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    An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again". The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
    --
    Todd was in a bar looking very dejected. His friend Jill walked over and asked, "What's wrong?"
    "It's my mother-in-law" Todd replied, while shaking his head sadly. "I have a real problem with her". "Cheer up" Jill said. "Everyone has problems with their mother-in-law". Yeah" Todd answered. "But I got mine pregnant".
    --
    Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of whiteout. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

  10. #970
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    My wife walked in on an argument between our son and I. When he ran out of the room crying, I turned to the wife and said, "I wish I'd used a condom now."

    Horrified, she said, "What? You wish our son had never been born?"

    "No," I replied. "I've got his girlfriend pregnant."
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  11. #971
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    18th July 2007 - 18:32
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    ah Birthdays
    Attached Thumbnails Attached Thumbnails Click image for larger version. 

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    Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends. (John 15:13)

  12. #972
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    CREATION

    A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be
    so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
    'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
    God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
    God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
    Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends. (John 15:13)

  13. #973
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    The Metro Police will be using water cannons in London tonight -along with a little Persil Plus to stop the coloureds running.

  14. #974
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    A man goes to his doctor for a cock extension.
    The doctor suggests that he stitches on a baby elephant's trunk for $3,000.
    The man agrees.
    Six weeks later he's out having a romantic dinner with his latest date, feels an unusual stirring in his pants and thinks to himself "this is the night!". While chatting over dessert his cock flies out of his pants, grabs an apple from the table and disappears again.
    "Wow!" she said, "can you do that again?".
    "My cock can", he replied, "but I don't know if my arse can take another apple".

  15. #975
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    Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

    After arriving in Paris he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.

    As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house. Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.

    He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

    After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.

    They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

    Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.
    Do you realise how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?

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