Friday jokes

[Swoop]

My mate just said to me, "If you became invisible, what would you do first?"

I said, "I'd go to Paris, find a performing street mime and beat him to death, the round of applause he'd get would be astounding."

[MSTRS:Me]

[tigertim20]

My girlfriends a dirty bitch. When I come in her mouth she gargles it, blows bubbles, then lets it dribble down her chin and tits. She may be paralysed but i know she loves it!



I was in Rotorua a while ago and the tour guide asked me if I wanted to see a maori carving. I said hell no I saw a cow calving once and didnt like it one bit!

[Swoop]

Ironically, in exactly a year's time in London, there will be hundreds of blacks running about trying to take either gold, silver or bronze and it will all be started with the single shot of a pistol.

[Dodgy_Matt]

A young, very attractive Swedish girl was massaging his shoulders, then his chest, and gradually worked her way down his torso. The guy was getting sexually excited as the masseur approached the towel. The towel began to lift and the Swedish girl arched her eyebrows. "You wanna wank?" she asked. "You bet" came the excited reply. "Okay" she said "I come back in ten minutes".

[Dodgy_Matt]

"My wife caught a Peeping Tom last night, and she'd have killed him if we hadn't stopped her".
"He must have made her very angry peeking at her huh?"
"No, that's not what made her the maddest".
"It's not?"
"No, she got mad when he reached in the window and closed the curtains".

[Dodgy_Matt]

Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things. "Mummy, mummy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?" he asked his mother.
"He thinks a lot" replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness.
Until, that is, Johnny thought for a second and asked "So why do you have so much hair?"

[crazyhorse]

VIRUS WARNING

> If you feel the need to start housework.
> Stop immediately.
> This virus wipes out your social life.
> If you should come in contact
> with housework go straight
> to the nearest store &
> buy the only known antidote
> which is called CHOCOLATE.
>

[Swoop]

I went up to this fat bird in the pub last night.

"You're a big lass aren't you?" I said.

"Tell me something I don't know" She replied, with a tear in her eye.

I replied "The salad tastes nice".

[Stirts]

I love watching my big fat gypsy wedding on tv. Its a show about a community of weird inbred people, with ridiculous customs that don't pay taxes, going mad and spending an over the top amount of money on celebrating occasions.

So naturally I love royal weddings.....

[Dodgy_Matt]

My wife is pissed off with me again. I crept into the bedroom last night and swapped her tampon for a party popper. No sense of humour.

[Dodgy_Matt]

The woman across the road had the police round to report the fact someone's been stealing her underwear off the washing line... I just about shit her pants!

[Dodgy_Matt]

I spent three hours at the wife's grave this afternoon... bless her, she thinks I'm digging a pond.

[Dodgy_Matt]

The other day I asked my mate when it's legal to have sex with young girls. He said "I think it's alright when they've finished school". Apparently 3pm isn't what he meant.

[Vacquer0]

I was sitting at a traffic light yesterday next to a carload of Muslims, when a big 18-wheeler drove right over the top of their car! Flattened it!

"Wow!" I thought, "That could've been me!"... so I went out and got a commercial driver's license.