The Offside Rule
I know it's Saturday but!!!
"trolling"
The Offside Rule
I know it's Saturday but!!!
Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends. (John 15:13)
Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
Six to four odds say Gaddafi is driving a taxi in central Auckland this time next week.
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
BogOff-Cant you see I'm busy?
Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.
When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.
Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants,
concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.
On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy
to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said,
"I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"
Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem.
I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."
Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
Apparently, baby powder + water does not equal baby.
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
Hardcore Biker
Two priests at a Bucking Bronco contest.
The first priest hardly lasts 30 seconds, but the second priest lasts well over 2 minutes and walks away with the prize money.
The first priest says, "I don't know how you do it."
The second replies, "One of my choirboys is an epileptic."
Hardcore Biker
Wife: Where the hell are you?
Husband: You know that jewellery shop, where you found that necklace you fell in love with?
Wife: Omg, yes! <3
Husband: Yeah, I'm in the pub next door.
Una Storia Italiana
1st time poster, long time reader...
Why was 6 sceard of 7?
cos 7 8 9
cheers DD
(Definately Dodgy)
The instructions are simple...
Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.
The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them.
The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each".
The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys. Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!
And now you know how the stock market works...
Do you realise how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?
'tart tourmenter
And I always thought 9 8 7!Originally Posted by dangerous
1st time poster, long time reader...
Why was 6 sceard of 7?
cos 7 8 9
Suck, Squeeze, Bang, Blow aren’t just the 4 cycles of an engine
ArseBiscuit
What happened to Gentle Annie?
Kelvinator.
Sir Cumference
Didn't taste too good, because of the F'n P.
Can I believe the magic of your size... (The Shirelles)
Hardcore Biker
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well the passion starts to heat up and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me".
I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man". She responded to my puzzled look by saying "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realising that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes so I said "Let's get a pair for each outfit".
We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited... she must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said "That's fine, honey". She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier".
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out "No honey, I don't feel like it". Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT?"
I then said "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman". And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either...
Hardcore Biker
Little Johnny comes home from school and his mum asks him how his day was. To which the chirpy 6 year old replies "Great. I had my first ever fuck!" Disgusted, Johnny's mum sends him to his room until his Dad returns home from work. Half an hour later, his dad is told the story by his mum and is asked to go up to his room to admonish his offspring. He sits down next to the lad and says "Son. I heard that you had your first fuck today. Good lad! Congratulations! When do you think you will get the next one?" To which little Johnny replies "When my arsehole stops hurting!"
Easily wound up!!
This belongs in my thread!
"There must be a one-to-one correspondence between left and right parentheses, with each left parenthesis to the left of its corresponding right parenthesis."
Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
A lamb vindaloo is lying quietly in a stomach. All of a sudden something cold and wet lands on top of it.
"Hey! Who the fuck are you?" says the vindaloo.
"I'm a double vodka," says the newcomer. "Dave just paid for me."
A few minutes later another downpour arrives.
"And who the fuck are you?" says the vindaloo.
"I'm a double vodka," says the latest newcomer. "Dave just got another round in."
This goes on for a while until the tenth double vodka gushes in and says Dave just bought it.
"You guys have made me curious," says the vindaloo. "I'm going to take a look at this Dave bloke myself."
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
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