I saw a chameleon yesterday.
So I guess it's safe to say it was a pretty shit chameleon.
I saw a chameleon yesterday.
So I guess it's safe to say it was a pretty shit chameleon.
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
A guy goes hunting. A gust of wind blew, the gun fell over and discharged, shooting him in the genitals. Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.
"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."
"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."
"Well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly," answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the Boston Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."![]()
Bob forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was mad. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!!" The next morning when his wife woke up, she looked out the window to find a box… gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. . . Bob has been missing since Friday!
My husband wants a divorce after 50 years of marriage.
Apparently pissing all over him is an unacceptable Golden Wedding anniversary gift.
No body move... I dropped my brain
The missus came home steaming drunk last night. "You up for some role play action, babe?" She asked with a wink.
"Not really." I replied.
"Oh, come on." She said. "We can act out ANY scene, from ANY film you want."
Walking over to her with a huge smile on my face, I noticed her expression change. She had realised her mistake, however it was too late. Where I had previously seen arousal in her eyes, I now saw only blind terror.
As I shouted "THIS... IS... SPARTA!" and kicked her down the stairs.
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
Marriage: Betting someone half your shit that you'll love them forever.
No body move... I dropped my brain
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked. "Well, I can think of one thing" the cowboy offered. "On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled "Now, back off or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!" St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?" "Couple of minutes ago".
Some bastard's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line she's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 pegs back.
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
A young Korean couple are lying in bed when the guy starts farting continuously.
"That's disgusting!" shouts the girl.
"It's the dog," proclaims the guy.
"Don't blame him," she replies, "he was cooked perfectly!"
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
An old man went for a sperm count.
Doctor gave a bottle to collect sperm.
Next day man returned with empty bottle & said that he tried with left hand and then with his right hand.
Then his wife tried with right hand and then with left hand.
Then his daughter-inlaw with both hands and also with mouth.
Then his neighbour's wife and daughter tried simultaneously with both hands and mouth.
But nobody cud open the bottle.
If your girlfriend is fat, tell her to walk 20 miles a day.
In a month she'll be 600 miles away.
A pharmasist walked into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall.
"What's wrong with him?"he asked his assistant.
"He came in 4 cough syrup but I couldn't find any so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives."
"U fucking idiot" said the chemist "U can't treat a cough with laxatives"
"Of course u can" the assistant replied"Look at him,
he's too scared to cough now.
I tried having phone sex once, Now I have hearing aids...
Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.
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