Friday jokes

[Swoop]

Redhead Oral Sex - it's ginger lickin' wood!

[Stirts]

Guy in bar buys a pint then takes a photo from his top pocket, looks at it then puts it back...
He does this every time he has a pint...
After the 8th pint the barman asks.. "why do you do that"???
he replies "Its a photo of the wife, when she looks good enough to fuck I'll go home.

[crazyhorse]

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?" The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.The seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?'' "Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is this your husband? The Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the seamstress.The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said "no" to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.

Then if I said "no" to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said "yes," you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said "yes" to George Clooney. And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is:

Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

Signed,

All Us Women

[one fast tl1ooo]

Thank God It's Friday


A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, "T-G-I-F" (letters only).

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only)."

She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.

He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."

The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time.

The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T."

The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"

The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday

[crazyhorse]

Fred and Larry got married in California ..
They couldn't afford a honeymoon so, they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first married night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Larry are up yet.
She replies, 'No'.
Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'
She replies, 'No.'
Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school '
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,
'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'
His mom says, 'No.'
He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.'
He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...... I gave him my airplane glue.'

[crazyhorse]

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. So she left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, 'I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?'

The blonde said, 'No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.'

The milkman nodded understandingly, and asked, 'Oh, okay... So do you want it pasteurized?'

(YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS.... )

The blonde said, 'No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my eyes.'

[mashman]

Three guys, an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman go into a pub. They all suffer from a severe stutter.

"What's it to be?" asks the beautiful barmaid.

"Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi", says the Englishman.

Up steps the Irishman. "Th th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi pints of of of of gui gui gui gui."

Up steps the Scotsman. "Th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th."

"Oh bugger this" say's the beautiful barmaid and walks away to serve someone else. She returns ten minutes later and asks if they are ready to order yet.

"Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi," says the Englisman.

"Th th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi pints of of of of gui gui gui gui," says the Irishman.

"Th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th," says the Scotsman.

"Look" says the beautiful barmaid rather irately. "If any one of you can tell me where you live without stuttering then I'll let you shag me", of course quiet confident that no one will win.

"So," she says turning to the Englishman, "where do you live?"

"M M M M M M M Man Man Man Man Manch Manch Manch", he stammers.

"No, you lose" says the beautiful barmaid. Turning to the Scotsman, "Where do you live?" she asks.

"E E E E E Ed Ed Ed Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin", is all he can force out.

"No, you lose," says the beautiful landlady. "And where do you live?" she asks the Irishman.

"London," says the Irishman.

"Oh bugger" says the beautiful barmaid. A great cheer goes up in the pub but the beautiful barmaid agrees to meet her side of the bargain. She reluctantly takes him by the hand and leads him upstairs.

Once in the bedroom she strips to her underwear, and then hops into bed.

The Irishman climbs on and goes for glory, and then, right at the climaxing stroke he suddenly screams out ".................D D D D D Derry!!"

[Swoop]

A german tourist walks into a deep south McDonald's and orders a Big Mac and a beer.
A redneck with his gut hanging past his belt laughs and says "Stupid fucking Kraut, you can't buy beer at McDonalds".
The german turns around with a puzzled look on his face, then bursts out laughing.
"Whats so fuckin funny you Nazi Bastard?"

I just realised you Americans only come here for the food!

[MSTRS:Me]

McDonalds don't serve 'food'...do they?

[Scorp]

Man walks into a pub with a carrier bag in his hand. Sits down at the bar and orders a beer. While the barman is pouring the beer the customer takes a little piano out of the bag and places it on the counter. He then reaches back into the bag and takes out a little man about one foot tall. The little guy sits down at the piano and starts to play.

The barman's jaw drops. He's so amazed that he offers the guy a free drink. The customer is into his beer when the barman says: "Look, I've gotta know how you found this little guy. What's the story?"

"Well," says the customer. "I was digging in the garden one day when I dug up this lamp." The customer leans down and takes the lamp out of the bag. "You probably know the deal... I rubbed the lamp and out came this genie..."

The barman cuts him off and says: "Aw man, can I have go?"

"Sure," says the customer. "But make sure you speak clearly."

The barman grabs the lamp, rubs it on his sleeve and says: "I wish for a million bucks!"

There's a flash of smoke and bang! Suddenly the bar is full of ducks.

"Ducks!" says the barman. "Is this genie fucking deaf or something?"

The customer looks at the ducks, looks at the foot-tall piano playing guy, shakes his head sadly, and says to the barman: "C'mon dude. You don't really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist do you?"

[crazyhorse]

Two blondes sitting in a bar. An attractive man walks in with bad dandruff.

First blonde says "he needs head and shoulders"

Second blonde asks "how do you give shoulders?"

[crazyhorse]

The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church.

One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing.


He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church.

During mass, he asked the congregation,

'Has anybody got a cock?'

All the men stood up.



'No, no', he said,
'that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen a cock?'



All the women stood up.


'No, no,'
He said,
'that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?'


Half the women stood up.


'No, no,'
he said,
'that wasn't what I meant.


Has anybody seen
MY cock?'

Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

The priest fainted.

[Swoop]

A teacher in a Detroit kindergarten class asked the kids what kind of sound a pig makes.
Little Tyrone stood up and yelled:




"FREEZE,
MUTHAFUCKA!!"


I guess there aren't many farms in Detroit.

[crazyhorse]

THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT:

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,
'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch!'

[kevfromcoro]

Easter Joke..............................

What do you get if you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole.??

A hot cross bunny...............