Friday jokes

[_Shrek_]

Our Father, who art in Eden
Henry be thy name.
Your Wisdom come,
your will be done,
on the field as in training
Give us today our daily oranges,
Forgive us our infringements
as we forgive those who infringe against us. (Wayne Barnes I'm looking at you)
Lead us not into offside positions,
but deliver us from Aussie banter.
Thine is the kingdom,
the power and the Web Ellis,
For ever and for ever.
Amen.

[HenryDorsetCase]

Did you hear about the pallet of Viagra that was stolen over the weekend?

Police are looking for hardened criminals.

[Swoop]

Just heard the 2012 Olympics will have the 'French Self-Defence' event.

Or "the marathon" as it's more commonly known.

[slofox]

Me mad mate just emailed me this...loved No. 3.

[Dodgy_Matt]

I couldn't find that fucking thingy that peels the spuds and carrots, so I asked my kids if they have seen it... apparently she left me yesterday.

[Pseudonym]

Did you hear about the pallet of Viagra that was stolen over the weekend?

Police are looking for hardened criminals.

With swollen goods…

[MSTRS:Me]

Has something come up in that case?

[Stirts]

Apparently it was a massive cock up.

[Swoop]

After yesterday's incident, the vicar would like to make it clear that the bowl labelled 'For the sick' is intended for monetary donations.

[Swoop]

A wife buys some crotchless knickers to spice up her love life. She sits down on the settee opposite her husband.
Her husband looks over and says "Are you wearing crotchless knickers?"
She replies "yes darling" and winks.
"Thank fuck for that" he says "I thought the stuffing was coming out of the settee"!

[Swoop]

I'm making a show about two detectives who solve crimes over the phone.

Star Key and Hash.

[Dodgy_Matt]

The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls. I told my husband that I would be home by midnight 'I promise!'

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3am, a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realising my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one!

Then he said "We need a new cuckoo clock". When I asked him why he said "Well last night our clock cuckooed three times then said 'oh shit'. Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

[_Shrek_]

update on Happy Feet...

[Juzz976]

A husband emerged from the bathroom clearly aroused and naked. As he leapt into bed his wife complained, as usual, "I've a headache!" "Perfect!" her husband exclaimed. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my cock with crushed asprin. You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you!"

[nathanwhite]

A good looking and even more confident man walks into a bar and sits next to the hottest girl there. After ordering a drink he strikes up a conversation with her. She notices that he is constantly looking at his watch, when she asks about this he replies "Oh this is quite a special watch actually, its telepathic." She is clearly not impressed and asks for a test. The man agrees and looks at his watch for a second before a small smile creeps onto his face. "The watch tells me you are not wearing a bra." The female laughs at this and replies "Well it must be broken then because I am." The smile is instantly replaced by a frown and he taps the watch several times. Then, "Ah. Silly thing must be an hour fast."