I got a job as a bounty hunter in China.
Couldn't believe my luck, every time they put a new wanted poster up, the guy they were after was standing right next to me!
Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
I got a job as a bounty hunter in China.
Couldn't believe my luck, every time they put a new wanted poster up, the guy they were after was standing right next to me!
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
Forum whore
A mate of mine admitted to being addicted to brake fluid but reckons he can stop easily.
"trolling"
BREAKING NEWS
Wallabies rugby practice was delayed nearly 2 hours today after a player reported an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field. Coach Robbie Deans immediately suspended practice while police were called to investigate. After a complete analysis, experts determined that the white substance unknown to players was the TRY LINE. Practice resumed after special agents decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again
Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends. (John 15:13)
Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
I saved my mistress' phone number as 'LOW BATTERY'.
Whenever she calls and I'm not around, the missus takes the phone and plugs it to the charger unknowingly.
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
Forum whore
I saw a guy in an AA van who was crying and shaking uncontrollably, he was obviously heading for a breakdown.
Grumpy Old Bastard
Seen today...
. “No pleasure is worth giving up for two more years in a rest home.” Kingsley Amis
Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
I was clearing out my late German Grandfather's closet and decided to give all his old clothes to the local charity shop.
I handed over the bag of clothes to the shop assistant who was rummaging through it when a horrified expression formed on her face.
"How dare you bring this uniform in to my shop" she exclaimed angrily. "This is a symbol of pain, shame and humiliation."
Hugely embarrassed at this turn of events, I quickly took back the bag.
"I'm truly sorry" I said. "I had no idea he was a Wallabies fan."
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
"trolling"
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt.. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma ..'
And they say blondes are dumb...
A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world..'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
-----------------------------------------------------------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
-----------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
-----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
--------------------------------- --------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
--------------------------- --------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual..'
Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends. (John 15:13)
Forum whore
hahahahaahOriginally Posted by _Shrek_
I Like that!
Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
My boss at work said I've got a drugs test tomorrow, so I've just done some revising.
I smoked a spliff, downed a couple of E's and snorted three lines of coke.
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
Forum whore
Why do they lock toilets at gas stations? Are they afraid someone's going to clean them?
Hardcore Biker
It was mealtime during a flight. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row. "What are my choices?" the man asked. "Yes or no" she replied.
Hardcore Biker
Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father tried to concentrate on his Saturday afternoon poker game with friends and relatives. His father tried every way possible to get Johnny to occupy himself... television, ice cream, homework, video games... but the youngster insisted on running back and forth behind the players and calling out the cards they held.
The other players became so annoyed that they threatened to quit the game and all go home. At this point, the boy's uncle stood up, took Johnny by the hand, and led him out of the room. The uncle soon returned back to the poker table without Johnny, and without comment the game resumed.
For the rest of the afternoon, little Johnny was nowhere to be seen and the card players continued without any further interruptions.
After the poker game ended, the father asked Johnny's uncle "What in the world did you say to Johnny? I haven't heard a peep from him all day!" "Not much," the boy's uncle replied. "I just showed him how to jerk off".
BogOff-Cant you see I'm busy?
A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?".
The Sergeant replied "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel."
The captain said "Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right with me."
After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!"
The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters. The captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"
The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."
"trolling"
A Police STOP at 2 AM
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."
Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends. (John 15:13)
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