Friday jokes

[_Shrek_]

Therapy

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in
horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men
playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin,
fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in
agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately
began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a
Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd
allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the
man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position,
still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,
loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several
long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!

[Swoop]

I thought my girlfriend might be 'The One', but after finding police, nurse and maid uniforms in her wardrobe, I realised she can't hold a job down.

[Stirts]

Teeeheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

[Daffyd]

I went to the Library and asked for the book "Pyscho The Rapist".
The librarian searched for 6hrs and finally came back and slapped me hard.
I said, "Heck, that hurt and why did you do that?"








She said, "Idiot, the book is called "Psychotherapist".

[Juzz976]

After that slap you may need to see Osteo the rapist.

[Shadows]

10 characters

[Smifffy]

Little Johnny is asked by his teacher: "What is the most wonderful thing in life for you?"

‎"Well, sir," says Johnny, "when I think about it, the most wonderful thing in life for me is a pretty girl with big tits and a wet pussy."

The teacher is infuriated and writes a note that Little Johnny has to give to his father.

The next day, the teacher asks: "So, Johnny, what did your daddy say?"

"Well, sir," says Johnny, "we sat down in the living room and drank an espresso, read your note and talked, then we poured ourselves a cognac, smoked a joint and talked some more. In the end, we decided you must be a fucking poofter."

[Daffyd]

Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son, Anthony, for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Tina. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Tina and I are just roommates.'' About a week later, Tina came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure. " So he sat down and wrote an email: Dear Mama, I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Anthony Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read: Dear son, I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Tina, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now. Love, Mama

[craisin]

Indian Wanting Coffee:

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter:

"Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure Chief. Coming right up."

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.....

The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling
another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to
the waiter:

"Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto!
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says,

"Training for position in United States Congress.
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, Disappear for rest of day."
__________________

[george formby]

Shakespeare walks into a pub, the barman turns round & says " Hey! Your Bard."

[Stirts]

A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes him as real Rugby player.
They start to talk and eventually go back to his place.

They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.

"What's that for?" the lady questions.

"Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me."

Then the man takes off his trousers, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE.

'What's that?' the lady questions again.

"Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV."

Then the man drops his underwear and on his penis he has a tattoo that says AIDS.

The lady screams: "Don't tell me you have AIDS!"

The man replies: "No, no... Calm down...


It will say ADIDAS in a minute."

[Swoop]

I got home very late last night from a poker evening with my mates. The wife was of course waiting up, ready to moan as usual.

"Stop!" I said. "Don't even bother getting pissed off. Pack your bags. I lost you in the poker game. You're moving in with Bob."

"How could you do such a terrible thing?" she whined.

"Wasn't easy," I said. "You don't normally fold with four aces."

[Zedder]

A guy is out on his motorbike and gets carried away with the pure joy of it all and before he knows it he's doing 120 kph.

Soon he sees the red and blues flashing in his mirrors but instead of stopping, he speeds up a bit but then has a change of heart and pulls over.

The cop comes up to him and says "I've had a long day but it's near the end of my shift so if you give me a really good reason for the speed I'll let you off."

The biker thinks for a bit then says "My wife left me for a cop and I thought it was him chasing me to give her back."

"Have a nice day sir" says the cop.

[slofox]

Just received this via email. Made me laugh...

[Swoop]

Last night I burst into a hotel that I was passing, with a young girl over my shoulder.

"Please, I've just found her unconscious in the street," I panted. "I think she's taken an overdose of drugs."

"Shall I phone an ambulance?" the receptionist panicked.

"No," I replied. "I want a room!"