Friday jokes

[Swoop]

Two Aussies, Davo and Johnno, were adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Davo stumbled across an old lamp. He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth.

This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter, Davo blurted out, "Turn the entire ocean into beer. Make that Victoria Bitter!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned into the hard-earned thirst quencher. The genie vanished.


Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Johnno looked disgustedly at Davo whose wish had been granted.


After a long, tension-filled moment Johnno said, "Nice going Davo! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat."

[crazyhorse]

THE BEST DRUNK STORY OF THE MONTH

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over,looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:

'I went by your grandma's house today and
I saw her in the hallway buck-naked.
Man, she is one fine looking woman!'

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.

His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says:
'I got it on with your grandma and she is good,
the best I ever had!'

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad

but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says,
'I'll tell you something else, boy,
your grandma liked it!'

At this point the biker stands up,

takes the drunk by the shoulders

looks him square in the eyes and says....................

'Grandpa;.......... Go home!'

[one fast tl1ooo]

Glad to be drunk
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

[one fast tl1ooo]

Farting All The Time
Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"

Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"

The Doctor nods, "Hmm."

Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor,

He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.

The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"

"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."

[Swoop]

With the Polish president and leader of the security forces dead...

I bet Germany are thinking.. Well we could, just for old times sake!

[crazyhorse]

Oh To Be 12 Again...


A man was sitting on the edge of the bed,observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

'I'd like to be twelve again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops,

and then took her to Alton Towers theme park.

What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Corkscrew, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.

Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a Mc Donald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn, a huge Cola, and her favourite sweets......M&M's.

What a fabulousadventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,

'Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'

[Swoop]

Why is it that if you refer to Rhodesia, hippy types will correct you in a condescending tone "it's called Zimbabwe now, stop being so ignorant". But if these hippies refer to Tibet and you say "it's called China now, stop being so ignorant", they get really offended?

[YellowDog]

Frank came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are you?', demanded Frank , 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?'

The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter ....'

Frank was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much to live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family. .. ..... You've got to send me back straight away.'

St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'

Frank was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around, pecking the ground.

'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, 'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here ?'

'It's not so bad', replies Frank, 'but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode.'

'You're ovulating', explained the rooster.. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before.'

'Never', replies Frank ..

'Well just relax and let it happen'..

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him .. . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...

' Frank, wake up, you drunken bastard.

You've shit the bed !!'

[Swoop]

Did you hear about the dyslexic druggie?

He thought he was getting LSD but ended up with quicker broadband.

[crazyhorse]

GOLFER'S HONEYMOON

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball from a wayward

drive right in the crotch.

Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage,

he takes himself to the doctor.

He said 'How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and

my fiancée is still a virgin - 'in every way'.


The doctor told him, 'I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let

it heal and keep it straight. But it should be okay by the end of

next week but leave it splinted as long as you can.'

He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided

splint, and taped it all together; - an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on

their honeymoon.

On their 1st wedding night in the motel room, she rips open her

blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts.

She says, 'You're the first; no one has EVER touched these before.'

He immediately drops his pants and replies, ...'Look at this then, ......

it's still in the CRATE!'

[YellowDog]

Oh To Be 12 Again...


A man was sitting on the edge of the bed,observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

'I'd like to be twelve again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops,

and then took her to Alton Towers theme park.

What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Corkscrew, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.

Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a Mc Donald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn, a huge Cola, and her favourite sweets......M&M's.

What a fabulousadventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,

'Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'

I do like that one. Out of bling again

[Swoop]

My mother in-law recently returned from a holiday in Europe. It seems that volcanic ash has little affect on the air travel of a broom.

[Swoop]

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back
- wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I
was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit
exactly...Twenty two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

[crazyhorse]

Man was shagging his wife, says bend over babe, we'll try the WINZ position.

What the hells that! she asked

When my balls touch your arse, you're getting THE FULL BENEFIT

[one fast tl1ooo]

Please Pass The Mayo
A kid came home from school and asked his dad, "Dad, I heard some kids talking about a thing called a vagina. What is a vagina, and what does it look like?"

"Well, son, before sex it looks like a beautiful unopened rose."

"Wow, what does it look like after sex?"

"Well, son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonaise?"