Friday jokes

[Shadows]

I've just discovered something wonderful about smoking meth. It's only 2 more sleeps until Xmas.

[MSTRS:Me]

Edward walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches. "Can I help you, fella?" asks the cop. "Yesssh, ssshombody stol my car!" Edward replies. The cop asks "Okay, where was your car the last time you saw it?" "It was at the end of this key" Edward replies. At this point the cop looks down to see that Edwards's penis is hanging out of his trousers. The cop asks Edward "Hey buddy, are you aware that you're exposing yourself? Edward looks down sadly and moans, "OHHH GOD... they got Julie too!!"

[Swoop]

Our cat sadly passed away this morning so I've buried him under our tree.

The kids will be surprised when they're rooting through their presents on Christmas morning.

[MSTRS:Me]

Was sorting through the left over wrapping paper from last Xmas, when I found one of the kid's presents they hadn't opened. We'd forgotten about the kitten we'd got them...

[kevfromcoro]

I was in Thailand on a bus..
And this drop dead shelia gets on.
I said to myself....
Dont get a hard on
But she did

[HenryDorsetCase]

[Swoop]

Did you realise that a woman's "I'll be ready in five minutes" and a man's "I'll be home in five minutes" are exactly the same?

[MSTRS:Me]

I was having a shit in the train toilet today when some bloke knocked on the door. He said "Can I see your ticket please?"
"Not right now" I shouted "I'm having a shit!" He said "I don't believe you, can you pass it under the door?"
"No problem" I said sliding it under "The yellow bits are sweet corn".

[slofox]

One day an acquaintance ran up to Socrates excitedly and said, "Socrates, do
you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to
pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test." 'Triple
filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about
Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The
first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are
about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or
not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what
you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes
that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may
still pass the third test though, because there is a third filter, the
filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going
to be useful to me?"

"No, I'm not sure really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither true
nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?" The man
was bewildered and ashamed.

This is an example of why Socrates was
a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was banging
his wife.

[Jabman]

What do you call an owl with only one wing? "NOT EVEN OWL!!!'

[Geeen]

What do you call an owl with only one wing? "NOT EVEN OWL!!!'

Like this??

[Swoop]

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favourite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not.

People keep telling me I'm in Denial but I'm positive I've never been there before!

I have been in Deepshit many times; the older I get, the easier it is to get there.

[avgas]

One day an acquaintance ran up to Socrates excitedly and said, "Socrates, do
you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to
pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test." 'Triple
filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about
Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The
first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are
about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or
not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what
you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes
that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may
still pass the third test though, because there is a third filter, the
filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going
to be useful to me?"

"No, I'm not sure really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither true
nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?" The man
was bewildered and ashamed.

This is an example of why Socrates was
a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was banging
his wife.

Reminds me of a little snippet I read many moons ago, its a skit by Steve Martin.

Socrates: “What a busy day this was. All right. I’m gonna lay here and I’m going to die – and you know what’s going to happen? You guys are gonna go out and you’re gonna have lunch and you’re gonna sit and stare at each other. I was the only one in this whole group who ever said anything. It was always, ‘Socrates, what is truth?’ ‘Socrates, what is the nature of the good?’ ‘Socrates, what should I order?’ ‘Socrates, what are you having?’ And not ONCE did anyone ever say, ‘Socrates, hemlock is poisonous.’”

[Swoop]

I was a bit disappointed with my Anne Frank advent calender. There's loads of chocolate crammed in to one window but all the others are empty.

[nadroj]

I have been in Deepshit many times; the older I get, the easier it is to get there.

You are also easier to find in Continent!