Friday jokes

[Jabman]

Like this??

Very nice. And the T-Shirt.

[Laava]

IRISH SPEEDOS
Paddy, who was on holiday from Ireland on Bondi beach Australia couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls, so he asked the local lifeguard for some advice..
Mate, it's obvious,' says the lifeguard, 'you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're year’s outta style. You 're best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya mate...you'll have all the babes ya want!' The following weekend, Paddy hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, and laughing, looking sick! So Paddy went back to the lifeguard again and asked him,'What's wrong now?'
Bloody Hell!' said the lifeguard, 'Maaaaate.
The potato goes in the front!'

[Swoop]

I've just moved to South Auckland and I can't believe how strong the winds were here last night.

I woke up this morning and my tools had disappeared from my shed and my car was not on the drive!










Why do we have angels on top of our Christmas tree?
At what point in the bible does it mention a Angel being sodomized by a pine tree?

[Stirts]

Santa, what a cool life he’s got.
I mean, who else do you know that gets to do the following ?:

1) Dresses in red;
2) Sneaks in and out of homes at night;
3) Has helpers to do all the hard work for him;
4) Has ready access to untraceable goods;
5) And, best of all, who else gets to work only one day a year ?

What a life!
You’d think more people would cotton onto it.
Oh look, here comes Santa now:

[ellipsis]

I would like to share an experience with you, about drinking and driving in this festive season.
As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many whiskies and some rather nice pinot.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home.

I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it from!

[Laava]

Dear Santa, I've been;

[ ]Good all year

[ ]OK most of the time

[ ]Good occasionally

[x]Fuck it, I'll buy my own presents

[Swoop]

What's big and tastes like penis?

My secretary's Christmas bonus.

[Hellzie]

From the Dogs Diary

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


From the Cats Diary

Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of ‘allergies'. I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now... Will keep you posted.

[c4.]

My wife came home tonight and told me "My gynacologist said I can't have sex for 6 weeks!"
"No sweat" I said, "what did your dentist say?"

[<G>]

An Irish farmer named Seamus had an accident with a lorry ,and was sueing the lorry company,
In court their hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus..

Solicitor
> 'Now didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' .

Seamus
> 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the...'

Solicitor
> 'I didn't ask for any details','Just answer the question.. Did you not tell the police officer, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Seamus
> 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the sidecar and I was driving down the road.....'

The solicitor interrupted again and said,

> 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor:
> 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded.
> 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the sidecar and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit me right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
> Then the policeman came charging across the road, gun still in hand, looked me up and down, and said,
> 'How badly are you hurt?'
> 'Now what the F**k would you have said'?

[crazyhorse]

OMG, I'm rich!

Silver in the Hair

Gold in the Teeth

Crystals in the Kidneys

Sugar in the Blood

Lead in the Ass

Iron in the Arteries

And an inexhaustible supply of Natural Gas.



.......I never thought I'd accumulate such wealth.

[Swoop]

These days, the difference is:
A pessimistic woman has one tit smaller than the other.
An optimistic woman has one tit bigger than the other.

[Swoop]

Kim Jong Il is dead. I hope he is no Ronrey anymore.

[ellipsis]

A cowboy from the mid-west turns up at the Pearly Gates and is being questioned by St Peter.



'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?'
St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!'


St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Couple of minutes ago.'

[<G>]

They say Kim Jong Il died from too much stress at work
I guess he should have chosen an easier Korea...