Friday jokes

[Indiana_Jones]

lol awesome

-Indy

[misterO]

I used to be a necrophiliac but the rotten bitch split on me...

[Swoop]

The Italian army has been called in to help with the people from the grounded cruise ship. But they have now swapped sides and have declared war on the survivors.

[Stirts]

I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency.

[Swoop]

Today I watched the film Limitless. Limitless stars Bradley Cooper as Eddie Morra. Morra the main protagonist takes a pill, a pill which quadruples his IQ, allows him to learn several languages and acquire an immensely greater comprehension of the world in which he lives.



Summary: An American takes a pill, then he evolves into a New Zealander.

[Stirts]

NZ Summer 2012......

[Stirts]

A teacher with a class of 6 year olds is walking round her classroom, when she see's that there is a puddle on the floor by one of the desks. She asks "who did this?"
A little girl shyly says "it was me, Miss"
The teacher says "Why didn't you put your hand up?"
The little girl says "I did, but it ran through my fingers"

[HenryDorsetCase]

[youtube]giAQuLntqXY[/youtube]

[Swoop]

April 14th 1912:
MAN: "Women and children only please."

25 years ago:
WOMAN: "Women want sex equality"

15 years ago:
WOMAN:"Women to fight sexism"

5 years ago:
WOMAN:"Women winning on sex equality"

3 days ago:
WOMAN: "It was unbelievable, men were trying to get into the lifeboats before women!"

[Swoop]

I tried to log in on my iPad. Turns out it was an Etch A Sketch and I don't own an iPad.





Also, I'm out of vodka.

[YellowDog]

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman who is seated over there." and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.

The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants."

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read: "Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, Bentley Convertible, Mercedes SL600, and a Porsche Carrera 4 in several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen, Italy, South Florida and a 10,000 acre ranch in California There is over one hundred and sixty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off two inches. Just send the bottle back.

[tri boy]

Last night the missus said
"If you turn the bedside lamp off, i'll take it up the arse"

Guess I should of let the bulb cool down a bit first.

[crazyhorse]

My girlfriend just caught me blow drying my penis and asked what I was doing. Apparently "heating your dinner" was not the right answer..............

[Swoop]

My wife was complaining that we couldn't afford a holiday this year so, while she was at the shops, I redecorated the house. I carpeted one wall, put wallpaper on the floor and ceiling and upturned all the furniture, then put the hose inside the door and flooded the floor.

"What's this supposed to be?" she shrieked when she walked in.

"The luxurious holiday experience of a lifetime!" I said. "I've re-created an expensive Mediterranean cruise at a fraction of the cost!"

[slofox]

A teacher asks the class to use "handsome" in a sentence.

A girl, Latisha, says, "Sometimes when I be suckin' Jamal's soul pole, my jaw git sore and I hafta use my handsome."

The quality of our education system sometimes brings a tear to my eye …