Friday jokes

[crazyhorse]

A man, getting along in years, finds that he is unable to perform
Sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but
Nothing seems to work. Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to
An African medicine man.

The medicine man says, 'I can cure this.'
With that said, he throws a white powder into a flame, and there is a
Flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, 'This is powerful healing
But you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,'
And it shall rise for as long as you wish!'

The man then asks, 'What happens when it's over, and I don't want
To continue?'

The medicine man replies, 'When your partner can take no more sex all
She has to say is '1234', and it will then go down. But be warned, the
Pork sword will not rise again for another year.'

The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers. That night he
Showers, shaves and smothers himself in aftershave. He slides into bed,
Cuddles up to his wife, says '123' and suddenly he has the most
Gigantic stiffie ever, just as the medicine man promised.

His wife turns over and asks, 'What did you say '123 for?"

[Stirts]

Wife - "Can I drive?"

Husband - "No. I'm fine"

Wife - "Oh please let me. I really want to!"

Husband - "No"

Wife - "I tell you what, if you let me drive, just for a bit, when we get home I'll give you a blowjob"

Husband - "Really?"

Wife - "Promise"

Husband - "Oh go on then"

..."And that, your honour, is the final entry from the black box on the Costa Concordia".

[slofox]

I got this neighbour - one really hot chick!

She's single...

She lives right across the street.

I can see her house from my living room.


I watched as she got home from work this evening.

I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway.

She knocked on my door…..I rushed to open it.



She looks at me, and says, "I just got home, and I'm so horny! I have this

strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and fuck all night long!

Are you busy tonight?"


I immediately replied, "Nope, I'm free... I have no plans at all!"


Then she said, "Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?"




MAN... IT'S NO FUN GETTING OLD!!!

[Swoop]

Under SOPA, you could get 5 years for uploading a Michael Jackson song. One year more than the doctor who killed him.

[crazyhorse]

A Kiwi was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was Julia Gillard.

That evening, the man brought Julia to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again.

He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Julia and told her he hadn't had sex for months.

Julia batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said, 'Take the dog for a walk!'

[Swoop]

Typical Italians on that cruise liner. As soon as the side they were on started going down they all ran to the other one!

[HenryDorsetCase]

a snap from the wedding of the year.

[slofox]

The latest offering from my "outspoken" mate...

Worried your pension will run short?


So you're a sick senior citizen and the government says there is no nursing home available for you -

what do you do?


Senior Health Care Solution:



Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets.


You are allowed to shoot 2 MPs and 2 illegal immigrants!


Of course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating, air conditioning and all the health care you need!

New teeth? - No problem.

Need glasses? - Great.

New hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart?

All covered.


(And your kids can come and visit you as often as they do now).



And who will be paying for all of this?

The same government that just told you that you they cannot afford for you to go into a home..



Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay income tax any more.




IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT?

[Stirts]

Senior Health Care Solution:

Where do I sign?

[slofox]

Where do I sign?

Soon as I find out for meself, I'll let ya know.

Edit: I've emailed the source of that and told him we're lining up to join!

[crazyhorse]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young Mothers and their small children.


You all have obsessions,' he observed.


To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.'


He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'


He turned to the third Mom, Kathy: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'


At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick Willy up from school and go home.

[_Shrek_]

# How do they serve alcoholic drinks on Italian cruise ships? - On the rocks

# What vegetables do you get with dinner on Italian cruise ships? - Leeks

# What's the fastest way to get off an Italian cruise ship? - Follow the captain

# When the captain of the ill fated Costa Concordia was asked if he knew where he was going he replied "off course."

# So the captain of the Costa Concordia will soon be in the dock. That's more than can be said for his ship.

# I like my women how I like my Italian Cruises. Wet, wrecked and ready to go down.

# The Costa Concordia is probably the most expensive thing to go down in Italy since Berlusconi's last hooker.

# What's the difference between the Italian economy and the stricken cruise liner Costa Concordia?

Nothing - The bottoms dropped out of both.

[slofox]

# How do they serve alcoholic drinks on Italian cruise ships? - On the rocks

# What vegetables do you get with dinner on Italian cruise ships? - Leeks

# What's the fastest way to get off an Italian cruise ship? - Follow the captain

# When the captain of the ill fated Costa Concordia was asked if he knew where he was going he replied "off course."

# So the captain of the Costa Concordia will soon be in the dock. That's more than can be said for his ship.

# I like my women how I like my Italian Cruises. Wet, wrecked and ready to go down.

# The Costa Concordia is probably the most expensive thing to go down in Italy since Berlusconi's last hooker.

# What's the difference between the Italian economy and the stricken cruise liner Costa Concordia?

Nothing - The bottoms dropped out of both.

"You must spread blah blah blah..."

Very good. Especially #3.

[Mully]

Under SOPA, you could get 5 years for uploading a Michael Jackson song. One year more than the doctor who killed him.

And five more years than he got for having sex with all those kids.

[munster]

George Michael has sympathised with the Captain of the stricken Italian Liner saying

"I'm often left abandoned and lying on my side with a badly damaged bottom and dead seamen inside me after a nights cruising"