I was out walking in the woods when I found a dead woman's body. I phoned the police who came straight out. They asked me how I found the woman's body. I said "Well her tits were okay but the rigor mortis made her arse a bit tight for my liking".
The instructions are simple...
I was out walking in the woods when I found a dead woman's body. I phoned the police who came straight out. They asked me how I found the woman's body. I said "Well her tits were okay but the rigor mortis made her arse a bit tight for my liking".
Do you realise how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?
The instructions are simple...
The Royal Navy is proud of its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers. Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from Brussels, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence. The next five ships are to be named HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.
Costing £850 million each, they meet the needs of the 21st century and comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws. The new user-friendly crow's nest comes equipped with wheelchair access. Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims. Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on duty 24hrs a day and each ship will have its on-board industrial tribunal.
The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and balanced in accordance with the latest Home Office directives on race, gender, sexuality and disability. Sailors will only have to work a maximum of 37 hours per week in line with Brussels Health & Safety rules, even in wartime! All the vessels will come equipped with a maternity ward and nursery, situated on the same deck as the Gay Disco.
Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but cannabis will be allowed in the wardroom and messes. The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for "Rum, sodomy and the lash" so out has gone the occasional rum ration which is to be replaced by sparkling water. Although sodomy remains, it has now been extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available but only on request. Condoms can be obtained from the Bosun in a variety of flavours, except Capstan Full Strength.
Saluting officers has been abolished because it is deemed elitist and is to be replaced by the more informal "Hello Sailor". All information on notices boards will be printed in 37 different languages and Braille. Crew members will now no longer be required to ask permission to grow beards or moustaches - this applies equally to women crew members. The MoD is working on a new "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign is considered to be offensive to minorities. The Union Flag had already been discarded.
The newly re-named HMS Cautious is due to be commissioned soon in a ceremony conducted by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull. She will gently slide into the water as the Royal Marines Band plays "In the Navy" by the Village People. Her first deployment will be to escort boat loads of illegal immigrants across the channel to ports on England's south coast.
The Prime Minister said "While these ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking, they are also capable of being upgraded to comply with any new legislation coming out of Brussels". His final words were "Britannia waives the rules".
Do you realise how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?
The instructions are simple...
-I was watching the news about the stricken cruise ship when the Sky News presenter said "She's lying on her side with a gash the size of a tennis court". I just happened to glance over at the wife on the sofa and that's when the fight started.
-The current plight of the Costa Concordia reminds me of a comment made by Churchill. After his retirement he was cruising the Mediterranean on an Italian cruise liner and some Italian journalists asked why an ex British Prime Minister should choose an Italian ship. "There are three things I like about being on an Italian cruise ship" said Churchill. "First their cuisine is unsurpassed. Second their service is superb. And then, in time of emergency, there is none of this nonsense about women and children first".
-The Italian army has been called in to help with the people from the grounded cruise ship but they have now swapped sides and declared war on the survivors.
-Wife: "Can I drive?" Husband: "No, I'm fine". Wife: "Oh please let me, I really want to". Husband: "NO!" Wife: "Tell you what, if you let me drive just for a bit, when we get home I'll give you a blowjob". Husband: "Really??" Wife: "Promise!" Husband: "Oh, go on then". "...and that, your Honour, is the final entry from the black box on the cruise ship Costa Concordia"
-What's the difference between and Italian Cruise Liner and a Goat? The crew will go down on a goat.
-When the captain of the ill-fated Costa Concordia was asked if he knew where he was going, he replied "off course".
-Costa Concordia - the only cruise liner where the sauna is cold but the pool is at 90 degrees.
-The captain of the Costa Concordia says he is not guilty of manslaughter and has witnesses to prove he was nowhere near the passengers who died.
-The Costa Concordia is probably the most expensive thing to go down in Italy since Berlusconi's last hooker.
-News reports say the stricken Costa Concordia first listed to the left, then to the right. Bloody Italians... even their ships don't know which side to be on.
-Italian Police are still interviewing the Chinese Honeymoon couple found on the Costa Concordia as to the whereabouts of the rescue dog that first found them.
-Italian divers searching the stricken cruise ship have found two Scotsmen at the bar. They've told the divers to piss off, as all drinks are included in the fare.
-Costa Concordia - where you are guaranteed to get your drink on the rocks.
-Now I know it's nearly the 100th anniversary of Titanic and all that, but aren't the Italians going a bit far with their tribute?
-Attention passengers, this is your captain. We of Carnival Cruise Lines Costa Concordia welcome you to Italy. If you look out the port side now you'll see the beautiful Tuscan sky, and to our starboard, you'll see the old Italian navy.
-So the captain of the Costa Concordia will soon be in the dock... more than can be said for his ship.
-Man phones the model shop and asks have you got a model of the Costa Concordia. "Yes sir, we have one left". That's very good. can you put it on one side for me please?"
Do you realise how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?
Dickens Cider
A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.
The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!"
"Well, what should I do?” asks the man.
"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."
Taking the advice, he takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway.
The ecstatic man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.
The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."
"What can I do?" asks the wife.
"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's cock."
The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP -- the ball skips down the fairway about 15 feet.
"You know, that was a lot better than I expected," the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and hold the club in your hands...."
No body move... I dropped my brain
They call me Mr Fahrenheit
Couldn't have been his wife, must have been his girlfriend.
Originally Posted by Stirts
Keep on chooglin'
Hardcore Biker
I took a taxi today and the driver told me
"I love this job, I have my own business, I'm my own boss, NO ONE tells me what to do."
I replied "turn left here"
Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure.
Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
"Remember Son, it's two points for a yellow, four for a brown and a black is worth seven! You lose four points if a white goes down"
I fucking love taking my boy out on drive-by shootings in south Auckland.
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
Highway Biker
I just love Pot Black
Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
If lesbians hate men so much they should stop looking like them.
You don't see Jews dressing up like Nazis.
I was arrested the other day.
Apparently following a Muslim in a Burka while dressed as Robin and saying, "What's the plan, Batman?" is a crime now.
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
Missing my buddy Morepower
Why Parents Drink
A father passing by his son's bedroom was
astonished to see that his bed was nicely made
and everything was picked up. Then he saw
an Envelope, propped up prominently on the
pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'
With the worst premonition
he opened the envelope
with trembling hands and read the
letter.
Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and
sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with
my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a
scene with Mom and you.
I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so
nice.
But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing,
tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact
that she is much older than I am. But it' s not
only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy
She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the
whole winter. We share a dream of having many
more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really
hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people
that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.
In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS
so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.
Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of
myself.
Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you
can get to know your grandchildren.
Love,
Your Son John
PS. Dad, none of the above is true I'm over at
Tommy's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse
things in life than a Report card That's in
my center desk drawer.
I love you.
Call me when it's safe to come home
Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
Before sex, you help each other get naked.
After sex, you only dress yourself.
Moral of the story: in life, no one helps you once you're fucked.
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
Democracy: Where any two idiots outvote a genius.
Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons.
They forgot to mention morons.
The third rule of Fight Club is to have fun and try your best!
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
"Johnny," says the teacher, "what's the first thing your father does in the morning?"
"He takes a shit, Sir," says Johnny.
"Oh," says the teacher, "and what does your father do for a living?"
"He's a bricklayer" says Johnny.
The teacher thinks, hmm, working class, what else can you expect?
"Bobby," says the teacher, "what's the first thing your father does in the morning?"
"He takes a shit, Sir," says Bobby.
"Hmm," says the teacher, "and what does your father do for a living?"
"He's a joiner," says Johnny.
The teacher sees this as confirming his suspicions about the lack of linguistic skills among working class children.
"Freddy," he says. "What does your father do for a living?"
"He's a lawyer, Sir" says Freddy.
"And what's the first thing your father does in the morning?"
"He reads The National Business Review, Sir," says Freddy.
"Interesting," says the teacher, "and how much time does he spend reading the paper?"
"Not long," says Freddy, "just until he's finished taking a shit."
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
The instructions are simple...
The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning. I said to her "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff". "Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked. "I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don't want some other wanker using my stuff". She looked at me and said "What makes you think I'd marry another wanker?"
Do you realise how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?
Missing my buddy Morepower
A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all of his own. He went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, a stunning young blonde lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with Him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears?!?!?'
'Look at these breasts; they are a full 39 inches and 100% natural.
I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid.
I have a 28 inch waist.
Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere.
How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'
Clearing his throat, he stammered ....
'Outside,.... when you said you.......heard someone coming.......that was me......'
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