Friday jokes

[MSTRS:Me]

Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat watching the front door of the brothel over the road. The local Methodist pastor appears, and quickly goes inside. "Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman. "Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?"

No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door, knocks, and goes inside. "Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!"

They continue drinking their beer roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi When they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door. "Ah, now dat's sad" says the third Irishman. "One of the girls must have died."

[Swoop]

If all the dinosaurs had had a wide vocabulary, maybe they would have survived like the Thesaurus.

[Swoop]

Getting your helmet wet, getting some gash or just going head first into a ladies bush, however you want to put it.


Falling off your bike just isn't fun.

[slofox]

Police work must be entertaining as well as dangerous.

Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night.

The next day, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.'

Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence .

'I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin??'

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said:'A pumpkin? Shit ... is it midnight already?'

The Washington Post wrote an article describing this as 'Best come-back line ever.'

[crazyhorse]

LATE NIGHT CALL TO THE VET

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look
after her neighbours male dog while the neighbours were on vacation.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs
apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful
howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs
locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so
frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next, although
it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,
"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then
call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his
erection and he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"It just worked for me," he replied.

[crazyhorse]

The grade six science teacher, Mrs. Barker, asked her class, 'Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?'
No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, 'You should not be asking grade sixers a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the Principal, who will then fire you!'
Mrs. Barker ignored her and asked the question again, 'Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?'
Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, 'Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!'
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, 'Anybody?'
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, 'The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.'
Mrs. Barker said, 'Very good, Billy,' then turned to Mary and continued. 'As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
One, you have a dirty mind.
Two, you didn't read your homework.
And three, one day you are going to be very, VERY disappointed

[MSTRS:Me]

Just rang the radio station to win an all-expenses paid holiday in Melbourne next November, all I had to do was answer one question: "Name the race that stops the nation?"
"That's easy" I said "Maoris!" They hung up on me.

[MSTRS:Me]

Three large black ladies were getting ready to take a plane trip for the very first time.

The first lady said "I don't know bout y'all, but I'm gunna put me on sum hot pink panties beefo' I gets on dat plane". "Why you gonna wear dem fo?" the other two asked.

The first replied "Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare laying butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna find me first".

The second lady said: "Well, then I'm a-gonna wear me some floe resant orange panties".

"Why you gonna wear dem?" the others asked. The second lady answered "Cause if dis hare plane is goin' down and I be floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first".

The third lady says "Well, I'm not gonna wear any panties". "What? No panties?" the others asked in disbelief. The third lady says "Dat's right girlfriends, you hear me right! I ain't wearing no panties cos, honey, dey always look for da Black Box first".

[Stirts]

What is the difference between a wicker basket and a wicker box? A wicker basket is what little red riding hood took to grandma's house. A wicker box is what Elmer Fudd did to little red riding hood.

[Stirts]

What does the IRD and an Ostrich got in common?

They can both stick their bills up their arse.

[misterO]

"The 710 cap" she said. The mechanic on the other end of the phone asked, you want a what? This customer had rung to request a replacement 710 cap as she'd misplaced it while fiddling with the engine of her car. The mechanic had never heard of a 710 cap, so he asked her to bring the car in for a look. She did, and he popped the bonnet for an inspection. At a glance he noticed that the OIL cap was missing. There, she said pointing- the 710 cap.

[MSTRS:Me]

A little girl and her mum were walking in the park one day, when the little girl suddenly bent down, grabbed something off the ground and was about to put it in her mouth...
"Stop!" said the mother
"Why?" said the girl
"Because it's dirty"
"How do you know?"
"Because mummies know everything"
"Really?"
"Yep. We have to pass a special parent test to prove it, before we are allowed to be mummies"
.
.
.
"So that means whoever fail the test get to be daddies?"

[Swoop]

"It's a boy!"






I shouted, as I ran from the Thai brothel.

[Swoop]

How many teenage girls does it take to change a lightbulb?

Eleven. One to change the lightbulb and ten to each take 200 photos of it for Facebook.

[slofox]

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST
COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE
RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE,
AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:


1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything that you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

5. I thought that I could love no other
-- that is, until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
empty, and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes.
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell!'

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.