Friday jokes

[MSTRS:Me]

During a flood in a small town, a young girl was perched on top of a house with a little boy. As they sat watching articles float by in the water, they noticed an old hat go past. Suddenly, the hat turned and came back, then turned around and went downstream. After it had gone some distance, again it turned and came back. They watched as it did this a number of times". Do you see that hat?" said the girl in amazement. "First it goes downstream, then turns around and comes back, then it goes back downstream and then it comes back again". "Oh it isn't that amazing, it's only my dad," replied the boy. "This morning my Mum said that come hell or high water, he had to mow the lawn today".

[Swoop]

Saying "whoever smelt it dealt it" doesn't work when it comes to airport sniffer dogs.

[nodrog:Me]

[Swoop]

I've just heard on the radio that the leader of the Monkees has died,

R.I.P. Nelson Mandela.



















Putting this in the jokes section so that the KB bleeding hearts who cannot recognise a joke might detect a hint that this is, in fact, a joke...

[MSTRS:Me]

My mate just called me from Thailand and told me that he'd had his first ladyboy experience. I said "Sorry?" He said "I was having a beer in a bar and we got chatting. She looked like a lady, she walked like a lady and she spoke like a lady". "So how did you know she wasn't a lady?" I asked. "When we drove back to the hotel and 'she' reversed the car into the parking space on the first attempt, I knew I'd fucked up".

[Bounce001]

A woman answers the phone and the pervert on the other end, breathing heavily asks "Do you have a tight, hairy cunt?" She replies, "Yes, he's watching tv. Do you want to speak to him?"

[Stirts]

Twitter, Facebook and Youtube are all becoming one big social networking site called YouTwitFace.

[KiWiP]

A man has a check up at the doctors and listens intently to the doctors summary

"Well it's bad news I'm afraid you've got Alzheimers and cancer."

"Is that all?" asks the man

"What do you mean is that all?" says the confused medic

"Well I just thank the lord I don't have cancer!"

[Swoop]

The American porn industry needs to realize that a 42 year old woman in pigtails and knee high socks isn't "Barely Legal".

[nathanwhite]

No idea if this has been posted before...


The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle,
Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At
the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. "Since you've
been such a good man and your motorcycles have
changed the world, your reward is, you can hang
out with anyone you want to in heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then
Said, "I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and
Introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so
You were the one who invented the
Harley-Davidson motorcycle?" Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me...."
God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in
inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and
pollution and can't run without a road?"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally
spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?"

God said, " Ah, yes."
"Well ," said Arthur, "professional to professional , you have some
major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds

3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble too much

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

"Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,"
Replied God, "hold on."
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed
in a few words and waited for the results. The
computer printed out a slip of paper and God
Read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,"
God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers,
more men are riding my invention than yours."

[MSTRS:Me]

A bloke goes into a pub, and being one of those types that fancies himself with the ladies, he spies a likely conquest at the bar by herself. Needless to say, our cocky young friend dusts off his best pickup line and heads over to her...
"I see you have a ladder in your pantihose. Or is it a stairway to heaven?" he asks
She replies "It's definitely a stairway to heaven. But I've already got a cunt at the top, so you can fuck off"

[crazyhorse]

A Maori boy asks his dad, "Dad, what's democracy?"
"Well, son, that's when whites work and we get all the benefits from
it!"
"But dad, aren't the white people pissed off about it?"
"Sure they are, but that's called 'racism'"

[crazyhorse]

A couple was invited to a swanky costume party.



Unfortunately, the wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.


He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went.


The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early enough, decided to go the party.

Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little touch here and a little kiss there.

His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished... Naturally, (since he was her husband.)

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had.

He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."


- "Did you dance much ?"


- "You know, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Browning and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to...."

[MSTRS:Me]

I came home from work last night and told my wife that I've been given a huge promotion at work which means I get my own office and I get to employ my own private secretary. "Well, you'd better hire someone who's a bit old, fat and ugly" she said "I don't want you choosing someone who you're going to be tempted to have sex with". "That's fair enough" I replied "When can you start?"

[MSTRS:Me]

While visiting the United Kingdom, Winnie Mandela was invited to a cocktail party which was also to be attended by Margaret Thatcher. When Winnie saw the ex-prime minister on the other side of the room she barged past everyone, spilling the drinks of several invited guests on the way.

Winnie elbowed her way to Maggie, stood brazenly in front of her and declared "I hear they call you the Iron Lady!" "I have been referred to by that name, yes" replied Maggie, peering down her nose at this impudent upstart. "And whom, may I enquire, do I have the honour of addressing?" asked Maggie icily.

"I am the iron lady of South Africa!" bragged Winnie, waving her fist in the air. "Oh, yes?" replied Maggie dryly. "And for whom do you iron?"