Friday jokes

[Swoop]

I had one of those horrible moments this morning when I confused my wife's hair removal cream with the toothpaste.

Mind you, my legs have never smelled so minty.

[Stirts]

Joseph Kony has taken thousands of children away from their parents in Africa

Madonna and Angelina Jolie are said to be outraged at the news claiming they "had first dibs"

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Joseph Kony.
Putting the 'infant' back in infantry

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BREAKING NEWS:
Joseph Kony tops the Forbes' rich list...
He moved to NZ and claimed child benefit.

[Swoop]

People are gonna go nuts when they realise Kony 2012 is just a viral marketing campaign for a new Playstation 3 game coming out in April.




It's okay everyone! We arrested Kony in the early ours of this morning! However we had to chuck him over the side of the boat, but rest assured, He's definitely dead. Trust us!
-Barack Obama

[Swoop]

The Catholic church has stepped up it's efforts to ban same sex marriage to help protect the meaning of "true matramony".

But apparently same sex relations with children is still perfectly acceptable.

[crazyhorse]

An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland , arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, ..... but all men....are men!

[Swoop]

As the nurse delivered our baby, I told my wife:

"Wow, she's absolutely stunning."

My wife looked confused as she held the newborn baby in her arms.

She said, "Allan, it's a he, not a she..."

I replied, "what do you mean? Have you seen the tits on that nurse?"








I burned myself whilst ironing the other day and I didn't even end up wearing what I was ironing.

Well, that's irony.

[Swoop]

Joseph Kony -

Making Joseph Fritzl look like a good baby sitter since 2012.




I am a huge fan of underground music. Amy Winehouse, Whitney Houston, Michael jackson......





Today is International Women's Day.
It was actually supposed to be held yesterday but they took too long to get ready.

[Stirts]

Today is Steak & Blowjob Day

Equality for both men and women, because they both deserve a mouth full of meat.

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Steak & Blowjob day today.

It's Bangers and Gash Day tomorrow.

[Swoop]

Steak and Blowjob day is a bit too adventurous and unrealistic for me. Pot Noodle and a WankDay is much more likely.

[Stirts]

Steak and Blowjob day is a bit too adventurous and unrealistic for me. Pot Noodle and a WankDay is much more likely.

1 man 1 noodle pot

[crazyhorse]

After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life, an old

Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin.

In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it.



Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him. 'How 'bout that!' he exclaims, 'Here's a picture of me Fadder.'



He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the

way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in

the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishing', he would go

there and look at it.



His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the shed.

So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the

mirror..



As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly bitch he's

running' around with.'

[Shadows]

Steak and Blowjob day is a bit too adventurous and unrealistic for me. Pot Noodle and a WankDay is much more likely.

Fucking LOL

[YellowDog]

An Arab enters a taxi..........

Once he is seated he asks the cab driver to turn off the radio because he must not hear music as decreed by his religion and, in the time of the prophet, there was no music, especially Western music which is music of the infidels and certainly no radio ........

So the cab driver politely switches off the radio, stops the cab and opens the back door.
The Arab asks him: “What are you doing man?”
The cabby answers: “In the time of the prophet there were no taxis.
So get out and wait for a camel.”

[YellowDog]

After 40 years of marriage..

A married couple in their early 60's are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.

She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...

The husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story:

Men who are ungrateful b*tards should remember fairies are female.....

__________________________________________________ ____________________________________________
Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: I'm 92..... H*ll, I'm telling everybody!'
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Brothel Trip

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
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Senility

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
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Pest Control

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company.. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet..

'Who are you?' he asked him..

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.

'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked..

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those sneaky little b*stards!'..
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Marriage Humor

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

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Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife: 'Yes or no.'

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Stress Reliever

Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

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A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

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A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour!'
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[crazyhorse]

My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Beehive matches his little face lit up when he tried to walk.. Unfortunately, I had forgotten to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.