Friday jokes

[MSTRS:Me]

An elderly man goes into his doctor's office for an annual physical. After a while, the doctor comes out and says "I'm sorry Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition which only allows you another 6 weeks to live". "But Doctor" Bill replied "I feel great. I haven't felt better in years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?" After a moment the doctor said "Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa and take a mud bath every day". Excitedly Bill asked "And that will cure me?" "No" replied the doctor "but it will get you used to the dirt".

--

A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, having a snack and reading a magazine. "Hi Darling" he says "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Is that okay?"

--

Pedro and Maria got married. Pedro was a 'man about town' so to speak, but Maria was very naive and uninformed about the birds and the bees.
Pedro was a poor working man and could not afford to take time off for a honeymoon. So, that night they retired to his little shack. When Pedro was undressing Maria said "Oh Pedro, what is that?" Pedro being very quick thinking said "Maria, I am the only man in the world with one of these" and then proceeded to show her what it was for. Maria was happy.
The next morning Pedro went off to work as usual. When he returned home that evening, Maria was on the front porch obviously upset about something.
"Pedro, you told me that you were the only man in the world with one of those, and I saw Gonzalez the gardener changing his clothes behind the shed, and he had one, too".
Thinking fast, Pedro said "Oh, Maria, Gonzalez is my very best friend. I had two of them so I gave him one. He is the only OTHER man in the world with one of those".
Maria accepted his answer and they did their thing again that night. Pedro went off to work, again, the next morning and, when he returned home, Maria was very upset, stamping her foot on the porch.
Pedro said "Maria, what is the matter now?" "Pedro, you gave Gonzalez the best one!!"

--

A man is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door. He opens it to find two sheriff's deputies there. He asks if there is a problem. One of the deputies asks if he is married. The man says "Yes, I am". The deputy then asks if he could see a picture of the man's wife. The guy says "Sure" and gets a photo to show them. The deputy says "I'm sorry, sir. But it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck". The guy replies "Oh I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook".

--

There are three guys on a cargo plane. When suddenly the pilot came back and said "The planes going down and we gotta get off this bird but there are only two parachutes for the three of you ". With time quickly running out the pilot decided that these three guys -a white guy, Spanish guy and a black guy-had to answer one question each and whoever answered correctly would be given a parachute. The white guy was first. Pilot: "Can you tell me what is one of biggest accidents in history? White guy: "Uh um... the Titanic?" Pilot: "Correct!" Next the Spanish guy. Pilot: "Can you tell me how many people died in this Titanic disaster?" Spaniard: "Eh uh... one thousand aah... five hundred and... and seventeen...?" Pilot: "Correct!" Now the black guy was asked a question. Pilot: "What were their names?"

[FJRider]

IS SEX WORK ???

An RNZAF Group Captain was about to start the morning briefing to his
staff.
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the Group
Captain decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and
he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.
He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much
of it was "pleasure?"
A Wing Commander chimed in with 75-25% in favour of work.
A Squadron Leader said it was 50-50%.
A Flight Lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favour of pleasure,
depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the Group Captain turned to the Corporal
who was in charge of making the coffee.
What was his opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young Corporal responded, "Sir, it has to
be 100% pleasure."
The Group Captain was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have
me doing it for them."

[YellowDog]

A woman goes to the Doctor in Glasgae, worried about her husband's temper and threatening manner.

The Doc asks: "What's the problem, Janet?

The woman says: "Weeell Doctor Cameron, I dinae know what to do. Every time ma hubbie comes home pished, he threatens to slap me aroon'."

The Doctor says: "Aye, well... I have a real good cure for that.

When your husband arrives home intoxicated, just take a wee glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth.

Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is sound asleep."

Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

She says: "Doctor that was a effin brilliant! Evrae time ma hubbie came home pished, I swished with water. I swished an' swished, and he didnae touch me even once!

Tell me Doc....wha's the secret?


How's the water do that?"

The Doctor says: "Janet hen, it's really nae big secret.

The water does bugger all

It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick...."

[Swoop]

My wife always has a headache so I've started taking a tablet to bed with me.

It's got all of the porn I need on it!

[slofox]

Scrabble...



Rearrange the letters to spell out an important part of the human body which is even more useful when erect.

P N E S I





People who wrote SPINE became doctors... The rest are all my friends...

[slofox]

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fenc e and I made love to you.'

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.

The elderly couple walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know...

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, "This is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is."

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,




'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

[5150]

My wife always has a headache so I've started taking a tablet to bed with me.

It's got all of the porn I need on it!

Next time she has a headache sprincle some crashed Panadol tablets on yer pecker and then say, thats ok honey, I got some Panadol, you can take it orally or as sepository (analy)

[Stirts]

Next time she has a headache sprincle some crashed Panadol tablets on yer pecker and then say, thats ok honey, I got some Panadol, you can take it orally or as sepository (analy)

Anal sex:
It's not for pussies.

[Stirts]

Sing a song of anal sex, an asshole full of cum, 4 times 20 penises going up your bum, when the orgies over your ass begins to sting wasn't it a silly thing to take it up the ring!

[Swoop]

24 hours into this seige in Toulouse and still no sign of surrender. Must be some sort of record for the French.




EDIT: He didn't surrender at all! No wonder he had to be killed.

[Swoop]

If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced.


That's why people with no sense of humor have an increased sense of self-importance.

[Swoop]

As the bearded man in robes handed Harry Potter his magic wand, Harry regretted transferring to a catholic school.

[MSTRS:Me]

What if you were playing in the club championship tournament finals and the match was halved at the end of 17 holes. You had the honour and hit your ball a modest two hundred fifty yards to the middle of the fairway, leaving a simple six iron to the pin.

Your opponent then hits his ball, lofting it deep into the woods to the right of the fairway.

Being the golfing gentleman that you are, you help your opponent look for his ball. Just before the permitted five minute search period ends, your opponent says "Go ahead and hit your second shot and if I don't find it in time, I'll concede the match".

You hit your ball, landing it on the green, stopping about ten feet from the pin.

About the time your ball comes to rest, you hear your opponent exclaim from deep in the woods "I found It!" The second sound you hear is a click, the sound of a club striking a ball and the ball comes sailing out of the woods and lands on the green, stopping no more than six inches from the hole.

Now here is the ethical dilemma:

Do you pull the cheating bastard's ball out of your pocket and confront him with it, or do you keep your mouth shut?

[MSTRS:Me]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans including a southerner a New Englander, and a Californian, an Argentinian, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uraguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahamanian, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 47 to 53 Africans walk into a fine restaurant.

"I'm sorry," said the snooty maître d' "but you can't come in here without a Thai".

[crazyhorse]

Kevin and the light

Getting older is a lot harder than it looks!

POOF, THE LIGHT GOES OFF !

A 65-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back normal
so the doctor says, "Kevin, everything looks great. How are you doing
mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

Kevin replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so
he's fixed it when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the
bathroom, poof!, the light goes on. When I'm done, poof!, the light goes
off."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Kevin's ex wife. "Mrs.
Tanner," he says, "Kevin is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm
in
awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the
night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done,
poof! the light goes off?"

"OH bloody hell!" Mrs. Tanner exclaims,
"HE'S PISSED IN THE FRIDGE AGAIN!"