Whore of the Forumz.
A Policeman pulls a maori over for having a dog on the front seat of his car.
As the Policeman approached the vehicle, he notices the maori smacking the dog over the head.
The Policeman asked him why he was hitting the dog.
The maori replies, "The little bugger’s just eaten my registration sticker."
Missing my buddy Morepower
It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."
When the boy arrived home he told his mother.
The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"
BogOff-Cant you see I'm busy?
A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.
The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift.
Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful -- the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob and I've always loved the results, but now I've developed two annoying problems:
First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your tits."
She said, "Not lot of point asking about the beard then..........."
Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
I was just standing around, doing nothing, when I got arrested for impersonating a police officer.
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
A Sub has reached Earth's deepest place.
Plans for a Big Mac to climb Mount Everest have already begun!
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
Hardcore Biker
A man walks into a catholic church somewhat downcast. He approaches the Priest and asks
"Father, my dog died yesterday. Could you perform a funeral for him? he was like a son to me."
The Priest replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for animals in the church. However there is an islamic church two blocks down. God knows what they believe in, maybe they will do something for your dog.
The man looks even more downcast but says "Thank you Father, I'll go there right away. Do you think $5000 is enough to donate to them for the service?
"Mother of God!" the Priest exclaims "Sir, why didn't you tell me your dog was orthodox?"
Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure.
Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
A Pakistani goes into an Army recruitment office.
"Can I help you?" asks the sergeant, with his eyebrows raised.
"I'd like to join up, mate. You can't stop me or it's racism!"
"I see.." replies the wily old Sarge, looking at his vacancy sheet. "Well we do have an opening in the catering corps. All the British Army loves a curry, eh?"
"You can't put me there, that's stereotyping!"
"Ok.. what about a Quartermaster's private? We all needs goods and supplies while we're fighting the enemy."
"So you're putting me in a shop? More stereotyping and racism! I want to do something of equal standing to white blokes."
The sergeant, increasingly pissed off now, flips a page on his sheet.
"Right. I suppose you want to drive an armoured personnel carrier? Something like that?"
"Yeah! That's sounds good. What is it?"
"Sort of like a taxi."
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
Aio ki te Aorangi
It has been announced that the police are going to be
allowed to use water cannons on rioters. They are putting in some
Persil to stop the coloureds running.
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Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier
in London . Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
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Following the riots in Tottenham, it's important to remind
ourselves that not all black people are stereotypical thieves and
arsonists. The vast majority are drug dealers and rapists.
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Ngogo Mwambi has to travel 5 miles every day for fresh water,
7 miles every day for food and 10 miles every day for medicine for him
and his family. This is because the idiot and all his mates torched
the Peckham Spar, Tottenham KFC and Hackney Medical Centre and now he
has to walk to Croydon for his breakfast.
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Riots in Wythenshawe last month caused over £1 million worth
of improvements.
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Muslims have gone on the rampage in Bradford , killing anyone
who's English. Police fear the death toll could be as high as 5.
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Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her
eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red
spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.
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They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & the Beanstalk' in
Birmingham , Bristol , Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester, Luton and
London .. Apparently the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.
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Years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the
doctor away." But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that
a bacon sandwich works a treat!
I didn't think!!! I experimented!!!
Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
I recently agreed to appear in a documentary about the techniques I've learnt during my career as a porn star but I pulled out at the last minute.
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
"trolling"
NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first,
But her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'
The lady can't take this anymore,
"You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!"
She retorted indignantly.
'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!"
'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi '..
$5.00 says you're gonna read this again!
Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends. (John 15:13)
BogOff-Cant you see I'm busy?
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked
to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband,
Tom, had a terrible bicycle crash and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to
piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, " thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that
with time, his scrotum should recover completely."All the men sighed with unified relief.
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say,
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith."The entire congregation held its
breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."
Bogeyman
... Serialised.
1. Not allowed to watch Southpark when I’m supposed to be working.
2. My proper military title is “Specialist Schwarz” not “Princess Anastasia”.
3. Not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic.
4. Not allowed to challenge anyone’s disbelief of black magic by asking for hair.
5. Not allowed to get silicone breast implants.
6. Not allowed to play “Pulp Fiction” with a suction-cup dart pistol and any officer.
7. Not allowed to add “In accordance with the prophesy” to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me.
8. Not allowed to add pictures of officers I don’t like to War Criminal posters.
9. Not allowed to title any product “Get Over it”.
10. Not allowed to purchase anyone’s soul on government time.
11. Not allowed to join the Communist Party.
12. Not allowed to join any militia.
13. Not allowed to form any militia.
14. Not allowed out of my office when the president visited Sarajevo.
15. Not allowed to train adopted stray dogs to “Sic Brass!”
16. Must get a haircut even if it tampers with my “Samson like powers”.
17. God may not contradict any of my orders.
18. May no longer perform my now (in)famous “Barbie Girl Dance” while on duty.
19. May not call any officers immoral, untrustworthy, lying, slime, even if I’m right.
20. Must not taunt the French any more.
21. Must attempt to not antagonize SAS.
22. Must never call an SAS a “Wanker”.
23. Must never ask anyone who outranks me if they’ve been smoking crack.
24. Must not tell any officer that I am smarter than they are, especially if it’s true.
25. Never confuse a Dutch soldier for a French one.
26. Never tell a German soldier that “We kicked your ass in World War 2!”
27. Don’t tell Princess Di jokes in front of the paras (British Airborne).
28. Don’t take the batteries out of the other soldiers alarm clocks (Even if they do hit snooze about forty times).
29. The Irish MPs are not after “Me frosted lucky charms”.
30. Not allowed to wake an Non-Commissioned Officer by repeatedly banging on the head with a bag of trash.
31. Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions.
32. Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post.
33. Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.
34. (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did* bring enough for everybody.
35. Not allowed to sing “High Speed Dirt” by Megadeth during airborne operations. (“See the earth below/Soon to make a crater/Blue sky, black death, I’m off to meet my maker”)
36. Can’t have flashbacks to wars I was not in. (The Spanish-American War isn’t over).
37. Our medic is called “Sgt Larwasa”, not “Dr. Feelgood”.
38. Our supply Sgt is “Sgt Watkins” not “Sugar Daddy”.
39. Not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis that the world is going to end, more than once.
Go soothingly on the grease mud, as there lurks the skid demon
Bogeyman
40. I do not have super-powers.
41. “Keep on Trucking” is *not* a psychological warfare message.
42. Not allowed to attempt to appeal to mankind’s baser instincts in recruitment posters.
43. Camouflage body paint is not a uniform.
44. I am not the atheist chaplain.
45. I am not allowed to “Go to Bragg boulevard and shake daddy’s little money maker for twenties stuffed into my undies”.
46. I am not authorized to fire officers.
47. I am not a citizen of Texas, and those other, forty-nine, lesser states.
48. I may not use public masturbation as a tool to demonstrate a flaw in a command decision.
49. Not allowed to trade military equipment for “magic beans”.
50. Not allowed to sell magic beans during duty hours.
51. Not allowed to quote “Dr Seuss” on military operations.
52. Not allowed to yell “Take that Cobra” at the rifle range.
53. Not allowed to quote “Full Metal Jacket “ at the rifle range.
54. “Napalm sticks to kids” is *not* a motivational phrase.
55. An order to “Put Kiwi on my boots” does *not* involve fruit.
56. An order to “Make my Boots black and shiny” does not involve electrical tape.
57. The proper response to a lawful order is not “Why?”
58. The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence- Budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black earth mother, all Marines are latent homosexuals, Tantric yoga, Gotterdammerung, Korean hooker, Eskimo Nell, we’ve all got jackboots now, slut puppy, or any references to squid.
59. May not make posters depicting the leadership failings of my chain of command.
60. “The Giant Space Ants” are not at the top of my chain of command.
61. If one soldier has a 2nd Lt bar on his uniform, and I have an E-4 on mine It means he outranks me. It does not mean “I have been promoted three more times than you”.
62. It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to Specialist Schwarz.
63. Command decisions do *not* need to be ratified by a 2/3 majority.
64. Inflatable novelties do *not* entitle me to BAQ or Separation pay.
65. There are no evil clowns living under my bed.
66. There is no “Anti-Mime” campaign in Bosnia.
67. I am not the Psychological Warfare Mascot.
68. I may not line my helmet with tin foil to “Block out the space mind control lasers”.
69. May not pretend to be a fascist stormtrooper, while on duty.
70. I am not authorized to prescribe any form of medication.
71. I must not flaunt my deviances in front of my chain of command.
72. May not wear gimp mask while on duty.
73. No military functions are to be performed “Skyclad”.
74. Woad is not camouflage makeup.
75. May not conduct psychological experiments on my chain of command.
76. “Teddy Bear, Teddy bear, turn around” is *not* a cadence.
77. The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them “You don’t need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for.”
78. I may not call block my chain of command.
Go soothingly on the grease mud, as there lurks the skid demon
BogOff-Cant you see I'm busy?
In the middle of an international gynaecology conference, an English and a French gynaecologist are discussing various cases they've recently treated.
French Gynaecologist : "Only last week, zer was a woman ooh came to see me, and 'er cleetoris - eet was like a melon."
English Gynaecologist : "Don't be absurd, it couldn't have been that big, my good man, she wouldn't have been able to walk if it was."
French Gynaecologist : "Aaah, you eenglish, zare you go again, always talkeeng about ze size... I was talkeeng about ze flavour..."
Hardcore Biker
Why did the chicken cross the hemispheres?
To be more understood as a cliché.
Atheism and Religion are but two sides of the same coin.
One prefers to use its head, while the other relies on tales.
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